A bit of the old HIM showing through. I net to vent myself and I`m deeply hurt at the same time.
I`m having surgery Jan 8th. Hubby and I did`nt dicuss WHO was taking me?, I assumed he was. Today as I was folding clothes, he comes in and says...If your sister is`nt taking you I will stay home from work and take you. Well I was shocked,very shocked. I said to him why would you think my sister would be taking me when my H should be? He gets on the defensive and starts yelling at me, I was just trying to console you I thought you was scared of having surgery and I thought I would let you know that I would be there. I said I don`t know what part of earth you are from but in my part of the world H and W are with each other in time of need. I started crying and said if my having surgery is too much of a burden on you I`ll take a cab. He blew up again I said don`t twist this around and make my getting upset and hurt at YOUR statement my fault. I told him I would of expected this kinda remark a few years back from you, but not now, he agreed. As 6 years ago I had cancer surgery instead of being with me in the hospital he was with her. So its my fault I`m hurt as he ment to comfort me. I had told him if you wanted to comfort me why didnt you tell me you would be there for me and everything would be ok. Hes in his room sleeping right now. I don`t know how he can even sleep!!!! I stood above him and watched him snore. This behavior has always been like this for years. Anyone ever deal with this kinda stuff?

I'm so sorry that happened. I really think that it is just because he is a man. Sometimes they don't get it. It seems like he was trying to be comforting, offering to stay home from work. But it came out all wrong. But that is just the way they are. Men sometimes don't think right.

If my sister had offered he would have went to work. He has always wanted everyone else to do his things for him, take care of his kids,wife, ect. Anytime anything stressful for him comes up he gets wacky. I know he would rather have my sis take me or someone else. He is an avoider.

He sounds like my ex. His job was going to work. My job was going to work, taking care of his kids and mine, cooking, cleaning, shopping, all the dentist/doc appointments, staying in contact with his family, etc.

Besides working, my ex had other top priorities - things that were not important at all, but vital to him.

I hear what you are saying, vital to him.I knew I always was the last on the totem pole.I had 4 hours of thinking to do as he layed in bed snoring. He got up and I went to him and said, how can you sleep when you know how hurt I am? He says Im hurt too.I had alot to think about last nite. It was better when I had shut him out for years, we lived like roommates.He was ok with it.I find now that since I have let him back into my heart and Im trying to rebuild this marriage the old pains are there.I think maybe there is just too much harm and theres no nothing here.he got up this morning and not a word from him except becareful taking your brother to Chemo and he left for work.All nite not a honey Im sorry I didnt mean that or a hug or anything. I knew he ment what he said.He has taken a big LB and it hurts deeply.He will not be with me at the hospital and if he thinks he is going to NOW, I will have him removed!My wall is up again and if THIS leads to whatever so be it!I am tired of his hurting,cheating,lies ect.

Now what if you had asked him specifically to be there before all of this happened?

I'm wondering if your husband is following how his father was in his marriage.

Aptiva --
On this particular issue, I think you're going too extreme.

He was trying to communicate to you that he WOULD be there.

This is a COMMUNICATIONS issue -- you have some culpability in this mess too. Instead of working together to find a way to communicate, you're putting walls up and shutting him out and teaching him that you're gonna blow up if he doesn't phrase something just right.

Please settle down and look at your end of the problem.

I have to agree with Lexxy here, Aptiva. You beat the man up because he told you he would be there for you. Because it wasn't exactly as you would envision on an A&E chick flick, you blasted him. See if he tries that again!

Some guys have a harder time with this than others. They are not all going to be like soap opera guys. My H was always sort of blundering and uncomfortable with this, too. So, I ENCOURAGED him [read: TRAINED <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />] to be more thoughtful and he is EXTREMELY loving and thoughtful now. He is SO SWEET, I sometimes can't believe it is the same guy!

The way I did this is when he made blundering attempts at affection, I would PRAISE HIM for what I DID GET. The next time he got a little better and a little better. He tries VERY HARD to be thoughtful and affectionate because he ENJOYS pleasing me. He isn't scared to try. I fear you scared your H with this outburst because he will be afraid of making a mistake the next time.

Well Lexxxy and melodeylane I did NOT blow up OR beat the poor man up!!!! And no I DO NOT expect anything to be like a soap opera I dont even watch that crap!!!!What it IS called is having compassion and love for your spouse and for that matter anyone else!!!! When he had hospital time I didnt ask him or state WHO was taking him I knew it was MY DUTY as his wife to do that and also because I wanted to be there!!! I am the one who communicates very well and peacefully I DO NOT blow up!!! I am the calm one. he is the one that makes everything to extreme, ask his children. I am just to the point where Im tired of excuses or his too tired or whatever to deal with his behavior anymore, if it a chemical imbalance or whatever he has, then he should seek doctors care.I`ve been carrieing him way to long and I have my health to deal with.

you assumed something. (that he was taking you)

he assumed something. (that you wanted your sister there)

he tried to bring it up to you. you took it the wrong way and focused on the wrong issue. rather than noticing he was willing to take the day off, and him being sensitive enough to recognize you might be stressed about it -- you jumped to your next conclusion: that he didn't want to be there (which is not at all what he said).

I think you are stressed about your surgery (understandable) but you're taking it out on him. He did NOT say he was unwilling to be there. He in fact did say he would be. You're pissed off at him because he said so instead of just automatically assuming that you would know he would be there.

I also think this is a trigger for you (with FWH being with OW at the time of your last surgery...)

Could you at least consider that you might be taking some of this out on him? I truly don't see where he did anything so terrible. Just because he didn't make the same assumptions you do -- is that really a reason to play martyr and keep him away when you really want him there?

Lexxxy you assumed wrong. My hubby was told 2 days ago I needed surgery nothing else. Nothing else was disscussed and nothing else should be disscussed as to whom is taking me it should be known who is. My being upset with HIM thinking my sister would take me or even wanna take me when it is HIS job to. A trigger, no I didnt really even think of it till he stated my sister could basically take me is what he really wants done. I know him best.I know how he operates. And as me really wanting him there, NO I dont need him there actually. I just assumed that he loved me and wanted to be there for me,but as usual I assumed wrong. So be it.I hope the next time he needs surgery that he does`nt assume Im taking him. I only know what was said to me. If your sister is`nt taking you I will stay home from work. No one ever disscussed who was taking me so therefor no need to even bring her name into it. And no Im not PISSED at him and why would I be wrong at assumming my hubby would take me for surgery is`nt that what spouses are for? Is`nt that what spouses are there for to be beside one another in time of need? Maybe you and him come from elsewhere

Why don't ya just chew his [censored] out some more, Aptiva? That should really endear him and make him want to take care of you! Have you ever read about lovebusters?

Lovebusters:

The first three of these Love Busters are instinctive, yet thoughtless, ways to try to get what you want from each other. When a request doesn't work, a spouse will often revert to a demand ("I don't care how you feel -- do it or else!"). If that doesn't get the job done, a spouse will try disrespectful judgments ("If you had any sense, and were not so lazy and selfish, you would do it"). And then, when all of that fails, an angry outburst often represents the last ditch effort ("I'll see to it that you regret not having done it").

Of course, demands, disrespect and anger don't really get the job done. You generally don't do things for your spouse because of these Love Busters, you do them out of care and consideration. If your spouse is demanding, disrespectful and angry, you tend to be less caring and considerate, leading you to do less for your spouse. Instead of giving your spouse what he or she needs, demands, disrespect and anger cause you to resist. I want you to have what you need in your marriage, but demands, disrespect and anger will not get it for you. They will prevent you from having what you want if you revert to these destructive instincts.

But when you indulge in these three Love Busters, you do more than fail to get what you need -- you also destroy the love your spouse has for you. All of these instincts, and the habits they help create, cause your spouse to be unhappy, and that causes Love Bank withdrawals.

The fourth Love Buster, Annoying Habits, is behavior that is repeated without much thought that bothers your spouse. Marriage is a partnership of incredibly close quarters, where just about anything you or your spouse does is almost sure to affect the other. If you want to stay in love with each other, your habits, even the innocent ones, should make Love Bank deposits, not withdrawals.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

The poor guy offers to take the day off and take care of you, and this is his reward??? WOW!

APTIVA!! What are you doing, GIRL???

((Aptiva))

I don't know what you are having surgery for, but I do know that when I had my surgery, even though my H was (and still is) a WH, all I wanted was for him to say that he WANTED to be there for me.

We shared a 24 year history so for him to say "what do you want me to do?" was painful. He couldn't say he wanted to be there for me.

I know in my head he wasn't capable of more. And I know in my head that I didn't want him there because his presence would have been emotionally disruptive.

But my heart and emotions still wished he had wanted to be there to support me.

I'm so sorry for your hurt.

Yes I will see if my hubby will read your post on love busters, maybe it will sink in after 30 some years

I`m sorry for your lack of support from your husband and I hope your doing well after your cancer. It hurts I know, in my case having 31 years of being the lead in the house, not that I chose that positiion. My hubby is the type of person that always wanted someone else to do his resposibilites surgeries for his son,wife the list goes on. Our family(kids) knows he has a problem but sometimes we think he just does`nt care as he is more caring or at least verbalizes care for other people. I`m sometimes not good at explaining things right. But I know in my heart that he cares for us, he in cases of stress will say inappropiate things maybe in this case he did.but knowing and remembering past issues with him he`d rather be sitting somewhere else than being where he should be and doing what he should be. We have had many talks about being there for your loved ones his mom included. This had come completely out of the blue with him as I did`nt see him all day so I was taken back on this statement. My daughter works in the medical field and seems to think her father has anxiety disorder and panic attacks as she has just been diagnosed with it. To which he is talking more about himself (hence I think the bahaviors in the past). That is why I asked if anyone had any problems with their spouses. My fault for not explaininig and going into detail. But all in all regardless OF ones problem whatever, loved ones are your loved one and everyone has THEIR place to be. And I thank you very much for replying to my post.best wishes for you and yours.