Hi all,

Today is my 7th wedding anniversary and it's my birthday in 3 days time. It used to be a week long celebration for us. My WH and I are heading fast towards a divorce. The OW has now moved in with him and he has been making attempts to have the children over at their place for weekends. Previously he had them two Saturday's a month. He did on one occassion take them with the OW on a four day holiday without my knowledge. I was out of town and he said he could look after them for that time.

I must say that I have not been very good at treating him kindly of late. I have no kind words for him and the hurt is just too much. I have probably LB'd my way to a divorce. Its just that the way he behaves really makes me mad. He comes to my home even when I'm not there or he comes over and justs hangs around. But if I even try to talk to him anywhere outside of the house he makes it sound like I am harrassing him.

I think its probably too late for a proper Plan B because I messed up the Plan A and so I am trying to prepare myself for a divorce. I think even if his affair ends our marriage is over. I know that I probably sound very defeatist but I don't see any light at he end of the tunnel anymore. My WH has become some kind of monster that I just can't recognise, definately not the man I married. He is mean, selfish and arrogant and I can't imagine that he will ever change.

Is there ever a time to just give in and let him have what he wants.

Lakeri

What do you have to lose by trying?

Maybe it is too late, and maybe it isn't. The odds favor your marriage.

I would advise a detatched Plan A, followed by a hard-core Plan B. He is still trying to cake-eat, which means he has not been able to leave behind his attatchment to you. (Even if he were not cake-eating, it would not be hopeless, it would just mean more work to get him to like your cake before you abruptly cut off the supply.)

How many children?

Have you asked him not to enter the house while you or the children are not there?

Have you asked him to call before he comes over? Or to call when he wants to see the children? Set up a time in the evening for his call?

He has his own house, where you are not free to come and go, he should extend you the same courtesy.

It isn't being disagreeable, it sounds like it bothers you, so setting boundaries for him is reasonable.

And, if you aren't surprised by his showing up, but have planned for it, you may handle your emotions better and not LB all over him.

I really do want to try but it just seems so hopeless. Besides sometimes I worry about losing my sanity and my self-esteem. But I do want to try because I honestly believe that whatever problems we had before the affair were issues that married couples deal with all the time and can be fixed if we are both committed to it.

The OW was at college with me and since we've been out of college she has been involved with several married men. She's a notorious homewrecker. She met up with my husband at their work place when she became his assistant. Actually I never knew she was his assistant until the affair started. She is very aggressive and unapologetic about the affair and exposure has done nothing to deter her. My WH is also unapologetic and I think that its partly because he was a child of an affair and his mother just won't say anything to him. So exposure has not helped in anyway. I do know that a lot of our old friends have confronted them and now most peole just won't talk to them. I guess in the long run that may eventually wear them down because they can't live in isolation forever. But in the meantime my children are really paying the price. My older son who is 4 brought home a christmas card addressed to Mom, his brother and sister and when his sister asked him why dad was not in the card he said that his dad was not part of the family. This really broke my heart. i tried to explain to him that his father just lived in another house but he wouldn't accept that. I just don't understand how a man who professed to love his family just a year can become so selfish.

We have 3 children aged 6,4 and 2. I have set boundaries and told him that if I can't go to his house he can't come to mine. Arrangements for him to see the children can follow. He objected to divorce proceedings initally and instead agreed to sign formal separation papers but since my lawyer passed them on to him he has been stalling and then just recently replied refusing to pay what was asked and suggesting that I am an unfit mother and that he should take custody of the kids.

I would like to save my marriage because i believe that the man I married has taken an extended vacation and left a crazy clone in his place. How does the detached Plan A work?

Lakeri

Change the locks and tell him he had better show his 'happy face' when he comes over because the price you and your family are paying in misery, you need to know SOMEBODY in this crazy world of the A is HAPPY.

Betcha he can't do it. Leave a message for the OW at work (via another employee), tell her to stop sending the WS over to slum at your home. Tell her she had better keep tabs on this WS because he keeps trying to sneak back into YOUR home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks Orchid you always make me feel stronger. I did tell the OW that she had better watch out because he keeps sneaking back home while she's away. The last time he was there he found us having dinner and had the nerve to ask to stay. All this time she was supposed to be at home looking after him very well.

I've asked him not to come around unlese he starts behaving like a normal person. In the meantime I'm preparing a proper Plan B.

Make him feel welcomed when he comes. You want him to miss you when you go to Plan B, and part of that is showing him that you are willing to make changes in you; that when he comes back it is not just to the same old marriage.

It is not too late to do a short, sweet Plan A. IMO, you want him re-attatched more securely before you set him completely free.