Plan A is a pain. It is so hard to just put all my pain and hurt aside and just act like nothing had happened. That is just what she wants. I will do my best. I did have a little break down a couple of nights ago. Iknew she was having a stressful day at work so I arranged a sitter for our 2 kids and I thought I would take her out to dinner. Well, I guess she didn't want to. We kind of got into a small argument. It's funny because I heard all the trademark phrases from her like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", or "I'm just comfortable". She told me that I am taking this harder than she thought I would, etc. It did end up in a nice discussion though. I tried hard to just shut up and listen as she told me about all her stress at work. I made it a point to let her know that I wanted to listen and try to understand things that she goes through. To be honest I kind of enjoyed letting her open up to me. I know that communication was a big problem for us. It is hard to hear some of the cruel things that she tells me too. She knows that I am reading some books (including HIs needs, her needs) and she says that those are filling my head with a bunch of garbage. She says no 2 incidences are alike and I am getting bad information. All I know is that she is here and I am 99.9% sure that her A is over. She doesn't really seem to want to work on our M though. She just wants to let it all go which is commmon for the WS I suppose. I just hope that if I continue Plan A, she will realize the extent of what she did and will work on our M like I am willing to do. Like your W, M2L, I want to hear my W tell me how wrong she was. I need to hear those things.

Well, it took M2L about 4 months after his WW had NC with OM for her to say that. Trust me, those feelings can come back, and will, as long as there is NC with OM and you meet her ENs without LBing. You took a good step forward by listening to her complain about her work. Conversation is a key EN for a woman. Mostly they just want you to listen and empathize with them. Keep it up, and you will start depositing major love units. My WW loved venting to the OM about her job. Of course he listened intently because he wanted to get in her pants. You need to listen intently as well. This is the first step, but over time things will improve. Don't argue with her how she feels, but just tell her you want to save the marriage and are trying something different. One person making a change, can effect how the other person feels, but not immediately.

rb, jm is right.

I know plan A is horrible, and can feel humiliating, at times. It took my FWH five months to say the things you're waiting to hear. I don't know you're DDay/sitch, but hang in there. Things should improve, over time.

rlt

Thanks. The flip-flopping of her emotions is driving me crazy.She tells me that she loves me then days later, she changes her tune. She tells me that I am taking this worse than she thought that I would. That was hard to take. I guess I am just looking for some reassurance from you guys here that there's a chance things will get better. Right now she just doesn't want to talk about it. This would be so much easier if she seemed to show more remorse and be willing to work on our M more. I will keep trying Plan A. It is just so hard not to badger her.

My W and I have been M for 16 yrs and been together 23. My d-day was Oct 8, 06. We have 2 DDs (5 & 12). The OM was someone near her work. She says that there is NC.

rb, I know too well that whole business about loving you one day, then the next, they don't. I went through that excruciating ******, too. It was so utterly confusing, back and forth, back and forth. And me, feeling like a stupid idiot every time I took him back, only to be slapped around some more. The reason she's telling you that you're taking this worse than she thought, is to try and alleviate her OWN guilt. DON'T listen to it. Don't listen to anything hurtful she has to say, because she doesn't know what she's saying right now. Of course, she doesn't want to talk about it ... more guilt.

How far out are you from DDay? Sorry, but you won't see remorse for awhile. She's feeling too guilty.

I know you want to badger. Try not to.

I know this is probably the hardest thing you've ever done. Plan A is Hero's Work. But you can do it. Just don't do it for too long. And remind yourself WHY you're doing it. Are their kids involved? That would be a great reason.

RM, if it makes you feel better, I have been right where you are. And not that long ago. Today, FWH is remorseful, loving, and willing to do about anything to keep his marriage and family together. But it took him time to get here.

Patience, that's the key word. Everyone here kept telling me that. They were right.

Okay, October 8 -- you're just at the starting gate. Hang on, RM. You have a ways to go. But try and look at the long term. Try not to let the pain of this get to you too much. Hopefully, she'll come around.

I guess one of the hardest things for me to understand about my WW A is that she tells me that she was just curious. The OM had been flirting with her for years she told me. I don't know why she finally gave in to his advances. She told me that she was just curious. The OM told her right up front that he did not want any kind of relationship. So I suppose it was only a PA. Although by checking her phone records I see that she talked to him almost daily. SHe says that there were no feelings for him. I guess she just wanted to see if she could make someone else happy or see if she could please another man. I don't know. It would be easier I think if she told me that she fell in love with someone and this happened. Rather than giving herself to someone who blatantly just wanted to "get in her pants" too.

Just curious? Hmm, I would venture to say that we're all curious sometimes. That doesn't mean we act on it. Sorry, lame, lame excuse. My guess is, you don't know the half of it yet. Sorry.

Rock,

Pick a thread and stay with it, I just posted this on the plan A / B site:



Rock,

This is all part of the healing time. It takes TIME. I asked how I could speed it along. You can't and you will not be able to see that unit you are thru it.

You said your wife is home and that the A is over. Best place to start. Now spend time together doing upbeat things. Show her the changes you have made thru actions - she will see them. She knows you and she will see the change, it may take a while.

Keep at it. I know some of those things they say hurts. I've heard
OM is so much better than you M2L

OM has a great a55 that I like to feel it.

You would like OM

All Crap and now my wife won't even let me repeat them for her. It makes her mad - so I don't.

Stick to your guns and come here to vent.

M2L

this is still new for you both, give it more work (plan A) and time. The ups and downs of plan A suck.

been there

done that

got the t-shirt

Many here have and we are telling you the truth.
M2L

Thanks M2L. Actually I was told to copy and paste to move this thread over here. I probably didn't do it right. Sorry.
RLT, I have been the only one she has ever been with sexually and I figure that she just turned 40 and it was part of a midlife thing. SHe had to know that she was attractive to other men or had to experience someone else or something. (she got a tattoo and changed her hairstyle and stuff) By no means do I think that this is an excuse for an A. I'm just trying to find an answer to this insanity.

RLT, you say that she says those things to alleviate her own guilt. I am just trying to find any sign of guilt I can find. It would make me feel much better. I have a couple of more question. Should I have exposed it even though I'm almost certain that it is over? Would it do any good now? I doubt it.

rm, my H is the only man I have ever been with sexually. Have I been curious about what it might have been like with others? Sure. I don't think I'd be normal if I didn't. But, I never acted on it. I married at the age of 21. I chose that. It was my decision and I stuck to it. No regrets.

Her guilt is deep. She's covering it up with a whole lot of stupid comments, and she's trying to justify it. In my experience, yes, you want to see that she feels remorse. But as long as she's feeling all that guilt, she's not going to come around to you. It wasn't until my FWH decided that he had to let go of some of that guilt, was he able to start thinking about me, and about us. I'm sure he still has guilt, but he's trying to move past it. It's the only way your healing with start.

Is the OM married? If he is, I'm one of those who thinks the wife should know, espcially since it was only 2 months ago. If it were 10 or 20 years, I would say that it wouldn't help much to know. But at this point, yes, I think she would have a right to know. I hate that it happened, but I am ever so grateful OW'H let me know.

No the OM was some young punk who has had A with married women before. I contacted him before and he was willing to talk with me but I decided that I really didn't want to stay in contact with him. I also discovered a couple of EAs between her and a couple of other guys. She does have a low self esteem problem. It seems that if anyone just flirts with her, she just throws everything else to the side. It's scary.

Well, first of all, whoever reads this, Mery Christmas!! Last night I kind of blew it. We were staying overnight at my in laws. The holidays are definately a weak period for me. I was feeling down already. At one point last night my wife thought that it was ok to show some people there her 2 tattoos which are both in some places that I don't believe should be shown to people. So I saw her do that and sniped a few jabs at her. Next thing I knew she was p***ed off at me so I spent a good hour talking privately with her in a private room. I know I should have just kept my mouth shut most of the time. It was like I was talking to the "fog" person again. She said things like "Well maybe I shouldn't wear make-up anymore, or let you pick out my clothes in the morning so they're not too sexy,etc. etc." She accused me of not letting her do anything, being over-protective and such. I told her that hey I'm your husband and I don't really appreciate you showing yourself to everyone. It ended up with me being a wimpering fool and stuff. I'm really trying to do Plan A. It's hard because whenever I get quiet moments to think about everything I get so upset that I want to badger her. I am going to post my entire story soon. I think it will make me feel better. Thanks for your time.
JIm

Post deleted by rockbottom06

Well, I do think that she can help herself when guys hit on her. I'm wondering why you think she can't.

Ok, you're right. I guess she doesn't make the right choice. She is still with me. I believe she wants to stay in our marriage. Right now she just doesn't want to talk about it. I am trying not to talk about it because I am attempting Plan A right now. My hope is that eventually something will snap in her and she will want to work on our marriage. Like I said. She just avoids it for the most part. I am in IC right now. I am hoping that she will want to get some IC or MC for herself in the future. I assume she is still in a fog because it seems she keeps flip flopping all the time. I would really like to know why she did this. Am I wasting my time trying to figure it out?

You aren't wasting your time. Chances are very good for your marriage.

Time to let her own her own actions. Expect her to behave like a married woman.