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Do you think my wife qualifies as a FWW yet or still just a WW?
Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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I asked her what she really went for (meaning her alcohol) and she went ballistic on me. She was angry that I even accused her of doing that. So later I kind of felt bad for maybe falsely accusing her and sent her an apology via email to her work email. I told her that I am sorry that she felt like she always had to defend herself and stuff. Cool, her attack WORKED. The goal is to attack you for daring to question her to put you on the defensive. This is a very effective tactic of an alcoholic to keep you in your place and teach you to shut your mouth. So then I did a little snooping and found that the check that she wrote seemed to be more than what it should have for what she said that she bought. So I did some searching and in a very secluded place (I'mnot even sure why I would have looked there), I found a bottle with some gone. So now I'm not sure what to do with it. I could dump it and put it back with a note or I could dump it and put it back. I don't know how to confront her this time. Just hand it to her silently with SHEER DISGUST on your face. Don't say a word. Then look up Alanon in the phone book and get to a meeting. Get to as many meetings as you can. In the meantime, STOP Plan A if you are in Plan A. It is IMPOSSIBLE to meet the needs of an alcoholic, so don't even try. She will just view it as an opportunity to exploit you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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a WW still. She needs to fully commit to your M and start meeting your needs also. Also needs to know why/how she allowed this to happen.
You will know when you can call her a FWW. You will see it in her eyes and her demeanor. It will take a little time for her to process all that she had done. It is slow so watch out for your taker to poke his head up and demand some EN to be met for him.
Ok: for those that will come along and don't have time to read all 7 pages, you need to recap for them.
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Just hand it to her silently with SHEER DISGUST on your face. Don't say a word.
Should I at least dump it first?
Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Thanks M2L! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> rockbottom, here is an article by Dr. Harley about dealing with an alcoholic spouse: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just hand it to her silently with SHEER DISGUST on your face. Don't say a word.
Should I at least dump it first? NOPE! Let her do that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Don't dump it. Just give it to her. YOU cannot stop her unless fear of losing you would make her stop.
She needs to speak to another AA woman IMO. Hiding liquor is is surefire sign of alcoholism. I used to go to the store for alcohol only, then pick up a few things to make myself feel like a regular shopper.
Alanon will help you with effective tools in living with a practicing and/or recovering alky.
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DISGUST on your face! REMEMBER! Practice in the mirror.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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DF, she must not be a very good hider if he found her botttle that easy! lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She's not the best hider. I am a very good finder.
Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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She's not the best hider. I am a very good finder. ROFL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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DF, she must not be a very good hider if he found her botttle that easy! lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I'm almost 2 months sober and FWW still finds old bottles around the house, particularly in the garage!!!!
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My recap: Ok. Here's what happened. My D-day was Oct 08, 06. My w was involved in a PA for about 2 months. Since then I have discovered a couple of EAs as well. Right now there is NC and I think things are going fairly well. The only problem is now I have discovered that my ww has a drinking problem. She even admitted it to our family dr. I thought that she would quit but she hasn't yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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Posts: 1,530
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This seems all so overwhelming. I don't want to give up. I want to do whatever I can to save my marriage. I am going to fight for it. I do love my W so much.
Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,530
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Well, I handed her her bottle back last night. It didn't go too well. I hated to do it because she was actually in a pretty good mood. My mistake was that I didn't give it to her and walk away. I felt the need to try and talk about it. That's when all the fog rolled back in. She told me that for years she has done things for me and now she's thinking more about herself. She said that now she feels like she can do things knowing it might piss me off but she doesn't care. I got all the usual talk of how people change over the years and she can't tell me that she cares about me as much as I care about her. She doesn't drink every night, blah, blah, blah. I know that it's stupid for me to try and reason with her, but for some reason I try anyway. I guess I was having a big Plan A breakdown. I guess I'll see what today brings.
Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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rb, and hopefully you will give up on Plan A, which would be a disaster with an alcoholic. No Plan A! It is impossible to meet the needs of an alcoholic, a waste of time. Instead stop Plan A and go to Alanon.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I will go to Alanon. Do you know what alanon is all about?
Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 214
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I will go to Alanon. Do you know what alanon is all about? It's a place for spouces and family of practicing alcoholics and recovering alcoholics. Information about the disease will help you. They also cover coping with an alcoholic and what to do and not to do.
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M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,530
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It's been a pretty good day M2L. Thanks for asking. I have a question for you. Her last EA, the one with the guy that sent me the threatening email. The guy that made it sound like it was my w that was at fault for everything.
Tonight we talked a little about all that EA. She told me that after reading the email that he sent me, she wanted to write him and call him a liar and tell him what she felt about him now. I told her that I wished that she would have and it would have made me feel great. Do you think that it is something that I should encourage her to do? Would it be ok just so it would make me feel better? Part of me wants to just let it be, but part of me wants to let her write him (as long as I get to read it) and let her tell him off just to help deflate his ego a little bit. I don't know. Any ideas?
Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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