Post deleted by rockbottom06

M2L,
Your post made perfect sense. It really gave me a boost of confidence. Thank you so much. Lately I've been battling with some bad images in my head that have been really bothering me. They get me prettyy down and I'm sure that it is not good to just be down in front of her all the time. I'm also starving for some attention and remorse. I hope that someday those will come as I continue with my plan A. Thank you M2L and all the other great people on this board.

Maybe I am going about this all wrong. Right now my ww is with me. The A's are over. At this time she still wants to just sweep it all under the rug and not work on our M or recovery at all. All I do is sit around and mope and think of situations that she has been in. I am always looking for signs of remorse or comfort and rarely find any. Maybe I should just try to sweep it under the rug too. Just try not to think about it. Justaccept the fact that my wife had affairs and just move on. Or is that what Plan A is about anyway. Oh well, just thinking about trying to deal with things in a slightly different way. What do you think?

All good things in time my friend.

Your wife doesn't want to and can't deal with this all at one time. I asked my FWW why can't a WW give more now that NC is in place? She said "maybe that is all she (ww) can give right now" What she ment by that was your wife is at home living with you and doing things with you and that is all she can give right now. My wife felt that way and it was true.

Rock - give her more PLan A and more time. Knock her socks off with being "the" man, her man and a mans man. Step up tp Plan A. Come up with things that she would like to do and add a few that you would like also.

Will do. Sorry that I need you to slap me upside the head daily.

Plan SUSHD..... OK I can do that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Um.......what is SUSHD?

HI, Rock! I see M2L has been taking good care of you...

I just want to mention one little thing that has helped me because I wanted that sign of remorse too...I wanted to know that my H understood the pain that he causes...I get that...

So, here goes...the valley doesn't look so deep once you are on the other side...

I used this phrase by looking back to other rough spots in our lives and how we always managed to pull throw those...we pulled there my A...now his...our kids' illnesses...rough finanical times...my parent's disowning me b/c of him...we stick together...that's what we do...

Have faith...things made not play out the way you want them too...in other words...your WW may not show remorse the way YOU want her too...we all handle things in our own way...

See the RWW, I'm a recovered wayward wife...my H may not believe that...but I do and that's what matters...his POV, my POV...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

slap up side head daily <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

See ya tomorrow.

I'm in the same boat as you, I just don't need to be slapped upside the head daily. My WW shows little remorse for her A. She still refuses to wear her wedding rings, show much affection (no kissing or SF in over 6 months), or apologize for what she has done. However, she does cuddle on the couch with me more, thank me more when I do things for her, wants to spend more quality time with me, and talks about "us" in the future tense. These are the things that you need to pinpoint and chart your progress with. As long as things are improving (no matter how slowly), you are in recovery. I look at it this way: you can't love someone else until you love yourself first. It takes someone with some self-loathing to commit adultery, so there are issues that your WW needs to work out in her own head before she can fully give to the M. You just need to guide her in the right direction and help her through this.

Well, things have been going o.k. Two days ago I picked her up for lunch at her work. It was kind of tough because the OM works right across the street from her building. As I sat and waited for her I couldn’t help but feel anxiety as I sat there a mere stone’s throw away from the jerk. When she got in my truck I told her that I was feeling kind of strange being so near to the OM. She took my hand and told me that she understood and told me to try and think about good things.
The way that she showed me that she was concerned about me made my whole day. It felt so good to feel that from her. Then we went and had a nice lunch. I didn’t dwell on the OM or the A at all, but at one point it did come up somehow and she told me that it made her sick to think about it. Which was also good to hear. I asked her at what point did the thought of it become sick to her. She said that she really doesn’t know. So I dropped it and just enjoyed having lunch with her. It was tough being so near the OM, but it really helped to have her show me a little concern and compassion. It was awesome. I don’t think that she even knows how good she made me feel.
Valentines Day was good. I sent her some flowers on Monday and we went out for dinner last night. No kids! Hallelujah! It was very nice. When we got home she kissed me and told me that she loved me so much. Yeeha!
Just thought I’d update. Thanks for listening.

Oh and M2L, I missed my slap upside the head yesterday so I might need 2 today!

You should tell her how good it feels. Let her know that what she did helped you feel better. This way she knows it had a direct impacted on you. All good things.



No slap today and here is why....



You dropped the OM talk before you got too far in. You saw where it was going, but stopped. Your wife will see this as you being strong and not holding this against her every min of every day. Very nice. Hard to do, but very nice. This dropping it will get easier as time goes on. You won't want to talk (or think) about it all the time.





Taker getting some. Feels good doesn't it?!?! See the stuff you are doing is paying off.

keep up the good work Rock.

You should tell her how good it feels. Let her know that what she did helped you feel better. This way she knows it had a direct impacted on you. All good things.
__________________________________________________________
Actually I did tell her. I told her that the best Valentines gift I got from her was her being there for me when she knew that I was having a tough time.

WAY to go ROCK!

Awesome job man of being Open and Honest...heck, that little story made me feel good...H did something the other day that really helped me and it took me a day or so to process it but I got my chance to thank him...

Just acknowledging that made my heart warm...it really felt good!

So, KUDOS to you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks!

I am just down right now and wish to vent a little. I try to be so strong in front of her and for the most part I am. It's justthat recently my what you call "taker" just needs more. This plan A is the hardest thing to do. Just like some of you told me. I try and see her side (I've been there to a certain extent) and can relate to her just wanting to move on and not dwell on everything. I even think that in her mind she is really helping me. There is no problem with that. She IS helping me, maybe it's just me wanting so much more. No, I'm sure of it. Lately there has been a few moments of her really seeming to understand my pain and need for her comfort and she has come through. I don't even think that she realizes she is being so helpful. I do tell her. Yet I jab, I jab here and dig there. I hate it. I stop myself sometimes. I know that it doesn't help me.
Sometimes I try and figure out why I take a jab now and then. I can't figure it out though. Maybe it's my way of telling her that I am not forgetting it. Maybe it's just being cruel on my part. I don't know.
This morning I woke up once again like every morning to her A slapping me in the face. Sometimes it's a slap in the face, sometimes it's getting hit with a ton of bricks. I layed there thinking why do I have to do all the work. Why is this so hard for me and why am Idoing all the suffering? I didn't do anything.
I know that eventually I will be o.k. and that it's just going totake time. It's the times that I have a few moments alone to think that are so painful. I have to think of her living her secret life and picturing things and moments that she had with the OMs.
I wish I knew more of what went on. I wish I knew what other secrets that she hasn't told me.
There's so much hurt. I've been with her so long. We met in 1982 and got married in 1989.
I don't know. I'm sure we will be alright. (I hope) I'm just having a down night tonight. Thanks for listening.
Rock

Today is a trigger day for me. My WW is a gov. employee and today is Presidents day, meaning she is off. She has used these gov holidays in the past to meet with the OM. So today is kind of tough for me.

Good Morning RB! Are you also off today?

The reason that I ask is that you have the power to use today to your advantage...you and her can do something fun...create a new memory...meet for lunch...doing something...

It does get easier with time...I have used several of my triggers and turned them around to a positive for me...

For example, H bought to coffee cups from the convenient store that he met OW at...they are REALLY nice but they had the store's name on them...I didn't want to get rid of them because they were so nice...So I picked them up...

H got off work early last night and he wanted me to help with work on his bike...just adding some lights and it was cold...so, I asked him if he wanted some coffee...he agreed, so I put the pot on and didn't want to use our reg. cups b/c it would get cold quick...

So, I grabbed those cups, got a knife, and scraped the logo off of both...got my permanate markers out and colored them the appropriate color...I put the coffee in them, and walked outside...handed the cup to H...He looked at the cup and didn't say anything...we enjoyed our coffee and out time together...I created a new memory and I don't have to look at that darn name everytime I se those cups...

Of course, the store is starting to become just a store and not "the store".

I'm sorry that you are being triggered today...I just wanted to share how I'm turning MY stuff around...just a thought!

I hope that your day improves!

(((((RB)))))))

Thanks R for the reply.
I have to take a day off from work this week because we are pretty slow where I work. I told my wife that I was going to take today off too, but she talked me into taking another day off so I could watch our youngest DD and save a days worth of daycare $$. I'm hoping and convincing myself that it wasn't just a ploy to get rid of me. It just sucks.
Triggers suck. We did have a pretty nice weekend. Saturday night her and the kids went to church with me and hen we went and walked around at the mall.
We looked at some jewelry together and I mentioned something about our wedding rings. Anyway as we walked away she told me that she wouldn't ****** or ******* with anyone else again. It kind of hurt me and I told her that she seems to talk about it like it's no big deal. I was expecting a fight to happen but instead she took me aside and told me that she was sorry for saying it like that and also that she loved me. That was cool.
Last night we sat together on the couch and watched tv. She held my hand, cuddled with me and actually seemed to enjoy being with me. That ws cool too!
I hope things are getting better. Thanks for the reply Rinder.
Rock

Here is an email I just recieved from her:
_______________________________________________________
Honey, I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. I know it is all my fault and I just have to do things to prove myself. Prove that I will never hurt you like that again. I wish I know how to show things better, I am not very good at that. But I swear to you you have nothing to worry about. Today or any other day. I can only imagine what you are going through. It hurts me so much to know how much you are hurting. I can not say I am sorry enough. Sorry doesn't cut it. I swear I was not trying to get rid of you today. I am trying to save us money. That is the only reason. I am sorry if it upset you.

I am having such a hard time getting motivated today. I hope I don't blow it and not get anything done. I suck I know. You did all kinds of stuff this weekend, what did I do? Nothing, what a loser. I should be better, better for you. Please do not worry yourself about things today. You can come home for lunch if you want to. I am here trying to get myself motivated that is all. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I love you Jim and I just hurt so bad that you are hurting. I am sending you a (((((BIG HUG))))) and a big (((KISS))). I love you honey. I will talk to you later.