Well, I'm not going to force her to visit my boards here. I guess she would just like to snoop now and then. She says she never has time. There's always time for Ebay, but never time to take any interest in showing any interest in our M.
Maybe I'm being harsh, I don't know. Maybe it's my taker or whatever going crazy. I just wish that there was some show of concern about what is going on here. It's like the perverbial(sp) elephant in the living room. She just wants to act like nothing happened and I am too afraid to bring it up. Yay.

Rock,

How long has it been since last contact? I forgot.

This is still kinda new for the both of you and (broken record here) it takes time. Your wife didn't get into the A overnight and she won't feel like working on the M any time soon. Sometimes just being together and living day to day is all they (WS) can give at this point in time. That part came from my FWW BTW.

Show her Christ's love during this time. You would be suprised how much respect you will get in return one day from her.

How long has it been since last contact? I forgot.

What contact are you talking about?

When was the last time that your wife and OM talked to each other?

Gosh, I would have to ask which OM, 1, 2 or 3.
Well here's how it is. OM #1 (EA) works in her office and about 3 weeks ago she got transfered to work almost directly with him. OM #2 (EA)is out of the picture. He works at a gym that we used to go to and I'm sure that there is NC with him. OM #3 (PA) works in a building next to hers that she has to cut through sometimes and being a security guard he just sits there and watches everybody walk by. She has told me that she avoids that building at all costs and the couple of times that she had to go by him she said that she wouldn't even look his way. SO that's where I'm at with that.

Oh Boy - not good. This is trouble and I say this knowing that your wife reads here sometimes. There will have to be NC for good. This means no working together. This will be a road block in your M.

Sigh....

I think that it will be o.k. I have talked with him before. He is married and knows what he did was wrong and seemed truly sorry and assured me that it will only be professional and really seems like he wants the best for my marriage. Maybe I'm a fool, but I think he is being honest with me.

You are being a fool. Read up on Chicagodad's and NeverStopTrying's posts. Both of those posters confronted their OM, and both OM agreed to stop pursuing their WW, but NST's OM sent her a Valentine Day card and Chicagodad's OM tried to set up a meeting with his WW. OM will say and do anything to throw you off their scent.

SUSHD

Slap up side head daily.

Rock, if OM wanted only what was best for o Rock and Mrs Rock he never would have done what he did with your wife. Lets just say that NOTHING is happening between the co-workers right now. What about if things get bad at home and Mrs Rock starts talking to OM again about it? Then what?

Lets add the fact that you feel like something is holding back your recovery with your wife. Maybe OM? Maybe just the thoughts of OM?

Man to man here Rock. My wife never even "started" to come around and out of the fog until she changed jobs. Then it took 4 months for her to clear the fog for good.

Serial cheatting is hard to over come. It can be done, but it is much harder.


Maybe someone else will come along with their O.

Rock - what boundaries do you have with your wife?

I know that he is not pursuing my wife. He could have gotten her in the past if he wanted to. They flirted and he came to his senses. The man has a wife and kids and a great job. I could have caused a great deal of damage to all of that if I wanted to with the proof that I have.
If there ever is any sort of infidelity than my marriage is over. Me and my wife both understand that. And if I go down, I'll go down swinging.

Just to be clear here. You would not have caused the damage. The OM would have been the cause of the damage to his M. You didn't have this A, he and your wife did.

I still don't like that fact that they work together and I don't see myself changing my mind on that. You can live with it and that's your choice.

Waiting for others to jump in here.....

I understand and appreciate your concern. I hope I'm not wrong. I think that sometimes that I judge how some people are because of how I felt after I got busted. I know that I made a mistake. I remember when I first contacted him to let him know that I knew about their little "thing". He admitted it and told me that he would help me in any way. I told him that I didn't want to cause him any problems with his family as long as he stopped any type of flirting or pursuit of my wife. He agreed and told me to contact him any time. I also contacted guy #2 and he told me that he would stop any and all contact with my wife. Now when I contacted #3, he was a probelem. He threatened lawsuits and stuff against me. He's a real [censored].
I guess all I'm saying is that of all the three OMs, I have the least worry about OM#1. Not to be saying I won't be keeping an eye as best I can on things.
My wife has a pretty good job and we are going through a lot of financial problems right now.
You can all attack me. This is all I can do right now. Maybe it will make it impossible for recovery, I hope not. If it does than I guess I am doomed.
M2L, explain the boundaries thing. Do you have boundaries for your FWW?

Rock,

Lets just say that the co-worker OM and your wife have NOTHING going on such as EA or PA. Good right? Sure. I can also see a sitch where your wife's mind drifts to this guy during the day from time to time. She sees him and starts to think about "those A feelings" and the nice things he used to say, the way he smelled and such. Again she is not kissing him or hugging, but her thoughts are with him and not with you. Maybe in bed with you she is thinking about him some. Who knows? I do know that with NC those thoughts of OM fade and then her feelings can turn back to you.

Boundaries: things your wife may do that you will or will not live with M wise.

I have boundaries with my FWW and she knows them. I am not the same person I was on Dday. I will enforce my boundary options if need be and she knows that. Before I go into some of them why not tell me about what you expect from your wife.

Well, I guess that expactations and boundaries are the same. I suppose first and foremost I expect my wife to behave like a married woman that's for sure. I expect her not to flirt with anyone and I expect her to tell me if there ever is a situation where something like that happens. I don't know, does that sound like a boundary? I expect the same from myself.

Rock wrote "M2L, explain the boundaries thing. Do you have boundaries for your FWW?"

Here you go:

-NC for life.

-If OM contacts FWW she is to tell me ASAP. If she doesn't tell me and I find out I will treat it as her contacting him.

-Work on our M to make it better. This includes her short comings with our M. I do the same.

-I will not live in a loveless M.

-She is to fill some/all of my EN and keep them in mind.


These are a few of the big ones. She has lived up to each one and more. She really feels bad about her actions and she works on us all the time. She also knows that if NC is broken by her that she is out of the house and I keep our kids. I will never go thru this crap again PERIOD.

During my Plan A I told my wife that I will not live in a loveless M forever. Just so she knew where I stood.

Kind of like a Constitution for the marriage. I guess the only boundary or rule I have is that if this ever happens again than I am done. The same goes with me. I would like to say that I will never go through this again, but ******, I'm still going through all this right now. This is a bit**. I seemed to have been getting better. Now I find myself breaking down a lot like I used to. I don't know what I'm supposed to expect right now. I am lost. I've got a million questions, but we can't talk. We could barely talk about anything before this and now how am I supposed to talk about all this now? It's just crazy. Sometimes I just feel that there is just no hope.
You say you won't live in a loveless marriage. I think that's where I'm at and I should just accept it. I ask her if we can talk about things and all she does is blow up and scream at me. She will mock me and all the stuff that I try to do sometimes. It just sucks. I never dreamed that my marriage would go so bad like this. She is definately not the same girl who married me and loved me so much. I'm just this fixture in her life now. Sometimes I don't even know what role that I fill anymore. SOmetimes I feel like I should just give up on her and concentrate on our two girls. They love me.
She always says that she doesn't know what to do for me, or she'll say write down what you want me to do. Stuff like that. Why can't I get a long note about an apology or how she feels about us, or a simple post on this site for me.I just get so tired. I've always tried to be good for her but she has to go out and pursue other guys to have sex with. That's all it was. If all she wanted was sex, ******, I was always here. I don't get it. She told me that our sex was great. Sigh. Well, sorry I got way off subject and rambled on again. My computer at home is fried so I can't post until tomorrow.
Talk to ya later.

Rock - for when your back online.

I truly believe that most (not all so don't hate me people) women will not have sex with a man unless she has some feelings for him. Otherwise she would feel like a _____. Fill it in yourself.

Rock - maybe your wife still has feelings for one or more of the OM. One thing that won't help it is having contact at work with 2 of the 3. Without true NC there will be no WD and then no desire to work on your M.

If you want to build a better M you need to have WW quit her job, find another job, and probably MOVE at least 2 hours from where you are now, IMO. As long as she is around OM she will have that "I wonder what.....IF I were to.....". You get the idea.

I know you say you can't afford for her to quit but I don't see how your M cannot afford for her to quit. Also, you will find out a lot about her commitment to the M if you ask her to quit. My initial reaction is she will say anything under the sun to avoid losing contact with OM. I hope that I am wrong.

I know that my wife had no feelings for them. She was just searching for someone else to have sex with. Heck, the guy she ended up having a PA with told her right up front that he didn't want any kind of relationship with her. This was her little quest to see if she could please someone else besides me she says. Heck, half of the time when we had sex leading up to her A's she would always talk about other guys (just in general) and ask me if I thought that any other guy would enjoy her and stuff like that. It was really odd and scary. Embarressingly sometimes I played along and went along with it all. But I never knew she would act out on it. It's all messed up. To me I could make more sense of it if she told me that she had feelings for these people.