Hi Rock! Sounds like some self-esteem issues...

I was thinking on the statement and perhaps with my jaded background I can offer a different POV...at one point for me it was a game...just like some guys have that little score board...I had my own...it made me feel good that I could pull these guys...thus making me feel good about myself...not that I have feelings for them...it was just a game to me...that part at least...

Of course, I was taught that love was earned and not given...

Just a few thoughts! My 2cents! I could be off base! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

S4B, thanks for the input. I think you hit it right on the head. My wife definately has some self esteem issues. It's so frustrating because I can't seem to help her with them. All she ever says to me is "You have to say that, or you have to think that because you're my husband". She always told me that she wondered if other guys would think she was great, or hot or whatever. Very frustrating. And dangerous. I would like to hear more about your thoughts and situations. I've gotta run now though, I just popped into work a minute, my computer at home is out of commision at the moment.
I hope things are going well for you, take care!
Rock

Rock,

Your W said something that can be easily countered. Let me quote your comment
Has it crossed her mind that you don't have to remain her husband? Have you pointed that out when she makes such a dumb statement? Many women come here because they don't here their husbands tell them they love them or think they are pretty. You have chosen to stay with her because she is..... You don't have to remain her husband, that is simply your choice right now. You don't have to say a darned thing and she needs to know that.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

"self-esteem issues" for a wandering spouse

translated means ~~~> "What do others think of me"

which is NOT SELFesteem at all

but "other esteem"

a perpetual seeking of "other validation" usually is the kiss of death for a marriage

Hi all, this is Mrs. Rock. I have been reading the recent threads about NC. Like Mr. Rock has said, I have a real good job. I have been here for going on 20 years now. It is a government job and those are hard to come by. I am extremely happy with what I do and there are no other options out there for me at this level of payment. It would not be worth starting over. For what is is worth. OM 1 and I have had severl conversations on this topic. I made sure that when they were going to assign me to him that he was OK with it and that my DH was OK with it. I have been very unhappy for several years in the department that I was in and this is a very welcome change for me. OM and I have been friends for many years. It was only recently that interest was sparked and that spark was started by him. I admit I was flattered and had never delt with something like this before. But it is over. But unfortunately there is no way that there can be NC. I work with him and 2 other attorneys. This is my chance to move forward and hopefully get more pay.

As for the support that you have given Rock, I think it is great. He needs support. I could have used something like this when I was dealing with things 12 years ago. We have been through a lot of horrible things but have managed to stay together. I am not the best at writing, which I know he would like me to do. But I also do not like to be pressured into doing something that I do find difficult at times. But I felt that I needed to step in on this one and explain more of our situation. Every situation is different and every person is different. You have to deal with things in your own way, but it is nice to get advise from people.

Well I am ready for the daggers to be thrown at me. All I can say is that I am doing the best I know how at this point in time. I have to be careful at work because if I screw up one more time it will not be good. (A long story about work performance, because I was un happy doing what I was doing). Well I have to go home now. Our computer is broken so I will check back tomorrow and see how may nasty comments I have gotten. But I wanted to clear the air on this one subject. Thanks for reading.

Mrs. Rock

Welcome Mrs Rock.

Glad you stopped in.

Let me start by asking what Mr.Rock could do to help your M? Nobody is perfect and I'm sure there are things your H can do to make things better.

Best wishes for you and your H

You are not going to get any nasty comments from us, but you may have some issues with some of our suggestions. First of all, why are you working with a man you had an emotional affair with? Does his wife know about the EA? What happens if one of both of you start getting unhappy in your respective marriages again? You already know the connection is there, so there will be a temptation if things go bad to start things back up again. Let me put it this way: If Mr. Rock was hanging out with the woman he cheated on you with, would you feel safe even if he said it was over? What if he were spending excessive time with ex-girlfrieds who still wanted him. Just because OM #1 says it is over an he is okay with it and the relationship is over, doesn't mean that's how he truly feels. Let me speak from experience that OM are usually POSs who will say whatever it takes to get what they want.

I am not tossing daggers your way at all, I'm just wanting to know how you are going to protect Mr. Rock from having this happen to him again? I can speak from experience (and I'm sure you might understand as well) the pain of betrayal. When my WW was blatantly carrying on her A, before I found MB, all I could think about was how much I wanted to die. I was SERIOUSLY contemplating suicide. I lost 30+ lbs, I couldn't sleep more than 3 hrs a night, I couldn't eat more than 1200 calories a day, and I could barely function at work. Extraordinary precautions must be taken to prevent this kind of thing from happening again, because trust me, you will run into problems in the future again. Will your M be affair-proofed or when times get tough will you run to this OM who you know wanted you before to help fill the void of your loneliness? Just something to think about. I mean it in the nicest way possible.

Mrs. Rock,

Thanks for posting, it takes a lot of courage to do that and I have to commend you for doing so.

I agree, there are some things to think about, and I'm not criticizing you either. I understand the notion that every situation is unique, I really do. That's why the general advice that goes out has to be interpreted and applied to each circumstance on a case by case basis.

My question is: How does Mr. Rock feel? That's the important piece. I mean, how does Mr. Rock REALLY feel? If you sat down and looked each other in the eye and asked "Do you feel like every time I see him that I betray just a little bit of you? Is it inconsiderate of your feelings to continue working with OM?

Maybe Mr. Rock fully agrees with you! Maybe he doesn't. You'll see it in his eyes. I, like my friend Jim above, lost 20 lbs in 6 weeks and went from Capt. Strength and Confidence to Private Weak and Powerless the day my world crumbled. I don't know if I could personally live with triggers, reminders, and worries everyday that my wife is in contact with OM.

Food for thought -

God Bless,

Jay

MrsRock,

Welcome to MB. I have a question for you. If you were running the world what would your marriage look like? What are your goals for the marriage? And what plans have you, to make your marriage better?

I have a lot more to say as you might imagine, but in reality the answers to these questions will help formulate them. I do hope you realize that the goal of this site is to help people rebuild their marriages, thus you are NOT the bad guy in this process. You have to be a major part of the process so that you and Rock can acheive what you both seem to want. You may get some criticism, but understand it is an attempt to bring you two together, not single you out.

One thing you said that made me smile. You said each situation is different and people are different. If you take the time to read here, and perhaps even help other people you are going to be amazed at how similar these situations are up to and including using the exact words, phrasing, and rationalizations. It is the single biggest surprise that I found on this site and I have been here a long time.

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you all for welcoming mrsrock. And to you mrsrock, thank you for posting for me, I appreciate any step you take that shows any interest in working on our M.
First of all, I don't expect my wife to quit her job. That really isn't an option. I guess I just have to blindly trust her again as far as that goes. I have talked to OM1 and he seems sincere that their relationship will remain strictly profesional. I know people lie, but there is not much I can do except believe him. It is a crappy situation and I hope that my wife and OM1 could look at things from my position and understand my feelings on everything.
Every morning I have to watch her get all dressed up for work and know that she is heading to work to see him. Or possibly running into OM3.
I do love my wife dearly, I have been hurt beyond belief. The bottom line is that I guess I just have to trust her again. I really have no choice.
Thanks for posting mrsrock. Please stick around and don't be afraid to post.

Well, I think the admiration and attention from others help feed the low self esteem.

Wow. There are a lot of questions here. I am not sure that I can tackle them all at once. But maybe I can sum some of them up in one answer. As far as knowing how MRR feels, I think I have a pretty good grasp on how he feels. I have told him before that I can't believe how he is dealing with all this. He has more strength than I could know. For me it is hard to remember back to how I felt 12 almost 13 years ago. I know it was a very rough time. But I also had an infant to care for. I did what I could do at the time. And maybe that is what he is doing right now.

As far as the EA with OM1, it is over. We are friends and that is all. I can only give my word to MRR that I am in the circle of our marriage and I will not stray again. As far as having to work with him, I had no choice in the matter. You have to understand my office and how it works. I can sum it up like this it IS the government and you go where they tell you to. As far as OM3 goes. I avoid at all costs any possibility of seeing him. He works in a building across from ours. It used to be my pratice to cut through the building on my way to the Federal Building. But these days (no matter the weather) I go around. As far as OM2, there is no chance of ever seeing him again and that would be too soon.

This is about all I can do right now. I will re-read the replies and try (if I can) to cover some of the other issues. But for now, I am committed to my marriage and to being a happy family. Life it too short. I learned that with the death of our son. He would be turning 10 this year. I know he is looking down on us and helping us through all this pain.

Mrs. Rock

Hi Rock and Welcome Mrs. Rock,

This is my first post on this thread and Rock, I appreciate hearing your double perspective and your personal story on the Trigger Dumping thread. Mrs. Rock, please know that we appreciate your courage in posting.

You both have at least started a new journey together and I just wanted to encourage you both to be open to change....in your thinking, in your priorities, and in your potential solutions to your problems.

For example, Mrs. Rock, you say you expect to be blasted with nasty comments. You could see things as negative or choose to see them as positive.....we all care about helping you. Thoughts different from yours could be perceived as 'nasty comments' or they could be perceived as 'challenges and opportunities for growth and progress'.

Many can help you as long as you're open to suggestions and seeking ideas to change. Again, glad you're both here.....please stick around even if things may seem tough at times.

Ace

Mr and Mrs Rock,

I'm sorry for the loss of your son.


God bless

How do I change my thread title again? I don't see any "edit" option at my first post.

If It's not there, then you can't...you can only change the re: title.

O.k., thanks.

jmwc95 wrote:
Let me speak from experience that OM are usually POSs who will say whatever it takes to get what they want.
______________________________________________________-
I agree with your POS comparison. Isn't it funny though how a WW can think that this OM can be such a nice guy when this OM is willing to get involved with a married woman? Heck, OM3 was involved before with a married woman, but I guess that was some reedeming quality,I don't know.
Back when I messed around with a married woman I was terrible, but with OM it is ok I guess. Just a thought I had. I guess I am a recovered POS. lol

Rock and Mrs. Rock,

Does OM#1's W know about the EA (almost turned PA)? If not she should. Rock, I would be wary if your FWW can't admit that OM#1 is a POS. Any married man who would make advances towards a married woman with kids is a POS. I know that you made a mistake as well, Mrs. Rock, but if OM#1 hasn't had to live with the consequences of his actions, then he is probably still in POS mode. Not to throw daggers at you Mrs. Rock, but would you continue to be having SF w/ OM#3 had your BH not caught you? It's something to think about.

OM1's wife does not know about it and I am not going to let anyone know. When I first contacted him I told him that I wouldn't. I told just told him that I wanted to let him know about the A. Which was already about a year since it ended by the time I contacted him.
I don't know, I just don't want to cause more problems. I just hope that he realized what he had done. Supposedly it ended because they both "felt guilty", although I question my WW's guilt, because all she did was move onto OM#2.
As far as WW still having SF with OM3, I'm not sure what to think. I have tried to get an answer about that, but she says she doesn't know and that it probably would have ended soon because this POS started to want my WW to buy him stuff like TVs and stuff. (OM3 was a real POS, ****** OM#2 was too) I really don't know because we rarely talk about the As.