Mr. Rock is correct in saying that I am still dealing with the death of our son. As I am typing this tears are coming. I did everything right. I took care of myself watched my diet when I developed gestational diabetes (sp) Just to have him taken away from me. I miss him so and wonder what he would be like. I also feel for Mr Rock, that he does not have a son to share guy things with. It is just a hard issue for me. And my father is another story. I will never understand why he did what he did. But when you come home to a package on your pourch containing everything having to do with you and your children. With cut up pictures where they have cut themselves out it is very hurtful. But that is not an issue for here.

I want to thank all of you for your comments and advise. I have been thinking a lot since yesterday. I also want to thank Mr Rock for hopefully putting to rest the subject of my job. It is just not an option for us to have me quit my job. I have 20 years vested there and I really enjoy what I do. So please do what Mr. Rock asks and put that subject to rest.

Mrs. Rock

Mrs Rock -

How about just a hug for now?

((((MrsRock)))

Hey, watch it buddy, I have my boundaries.lol. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hello Mrs. Rock and welcome. Personally the above would be a deal breaker for me but hey I am not Mr. Rock and he knows what he can and can't deal with. I would suggest approaching someone to be accountable to (a real friend, not an enabling tell you what you want to hear to feel good friend) that could help you be accountable at work in dealings with OM#1. Someone that could be a helpful sage and eye for you, someone with no emotional attachment that could tell you if she saw you working to closely, spending non work time with, talking about non work related stuff, etc....w/ OM#1. I would think this would be a big boost to Mr. Rock as well knowing that there is someone there that has you, him and your M best interests at heart.

Just an idea. And, you have made a big first step toward recovering and building a new M by coming here. It takes courage to show up here as the WW/WH. congrats!

I would suggest approaching someone to be accountable to (a real friend, not an enabling tell you what you want to hear to feel good friend) that could help you be accountable at work in dealings with OM#1. Someone that could be a helpful sage and eye for you, someone with no emotional attachment that could tell you if she saw you working to closely, spending non work time with, talking about non work related stuff, etc....w/ OM#1. I would think this would be a big boost to Mr. Rock as well knowing that there is someone there that has you, him and your M best interests at heart.

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That would be good. That would also mean that she would have to reveal what happened to someone there and I'm sure that she would not want to have to do that.
I do appreciate just any little attempt on her part to show her commitment to our M.
Her posting here has made me feel pretty good.

Disclosure of the affair is key to marital recovery. It helps hold the wayward spouse accountable for their actions. What consequences has Mrs. Rock had? If there are no consequences for her behavior, why wouldn't she be able to justify those same actions in the future. Who will be there to protect you and her from developing an innappropriate relationship in the future? I'm sorry Mrs. Rock, but these things have very real consequences and you shouldn't be able to just sweep them under the rug. Close family and friends should be notified at the very least, and probably her employer as well. No offense Mrs. Rock, but I wouldn't trust the word of someone who just had 3 affairs in the past year. I would want some support systems in place to ensure that this didn't happen again. Mr. Rock, this is MB advocates exposure right after discovery of an affair.

I really don't see the point of disclosure at this time since D-Day was back in October. I fully understand all of your points as far as her being accountable for her actions and so forth. I think a lot of my actions are based upon how I remember feeling back when I was a WH. I remember what I went through and I know it was awful. I know that really isn't a good excuse. Sometimes I wish she would at least tell some close family or friends. At least somewhat for her own sanity. I don't know how she can keep it all inside. I know that back when I was in recovery from my A that I loved going to MC just so I could talk and release some stuff.
Like I said before, maybe I'm a fool, but I think and hope that she realized what she did was wrong. We'll see.

I guess the only consequences is having to watch me crumble and fall apart and hopefully see the pain that she caused me.

Disclosure to friends and family helps them keep an eye on you to prevent this from happening again. If they knew that your FWW had 3 affairs, they might think twice and give you a heads up about any inappropriate relationship developing whether it be from her end or someone pursuing her. Dr. Harley treats affairs like addictions. You would certainly want friends and family to know if you were a recovering alcoholic so they could help you stay on the wagon.

It's funny because there are a few people who were exposed to my A 12 years ago and everyone told my wife how terrible I was and that I didn't deserve her and stuff like that. These same people have no idea now that she has done the same to me. I really don't mind though. In allof their eyes I am the bad guy. That's o.k. though.

Rock,

I think you have your focus right. The only eyes that count are Mrs. Rock's, the rest will take care of themselves. If the affair is over, disclosure other than to the OM's W, is not productive or serve any purpose. Actions should have a defined purpose or they are simply reactions.

Hang in there Rock, and I do hope that Mrs. Rock has gotten something useful out of her interactions here.

God Bless,

JL

Me too. And thank you for your help!

I guess we just have to agree to disagree on this. I am accountable, to myself, my husband and to God. He will judge me in the end. Besides isn't our God a forgiving God.


"When Jesus had lifted up Himself, and saw none but the woman, He said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?"
"She said, No man, Lord."
"And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more." (John 8:2-11 KJV)

So I am going forth to sin no more and the idea that there has to be family members and close friends watching me all the time is just crazy. There have been consequences for my behavior. I have to watch my husband go through this and beat himself up and question himself all the time. It hurts me deeply that I hurt him so badly. So I am accountable to myself, my husband and my God.

Mrs. Rock

Sorry, Mrs. Rock. In no way am I trying to beat you up over this. What is necessary for some isn't for others. I'm just of the camp you do everything possible to prevent this from being able to happen again. I don't trust WWs either. After all, weren't you supposed to be accountable to yourself, your husband, and God before your affairs? Our God is a forgiving God, but you must first confess your sins AND do your penance. It sounds at times like you want to move past this and fail to accept your penance. It is one thing just to say you are sorry, but need to continue to make amens for your sins, not just try and forget about them. I wish you the best. Have a great weekend!

I certainly recognize every situation is unique and respect your mutual decision.

If your husband is amenable to this, and feels you are truly accountable to him, then that's all you can ask for.

I'd have to say that I'm always wary though when I read this on my screen. I'm also of the camp that believes that coworkers and friends can become lovers. Lovers can never be "just friends or coworkers". It really is "on you" Mrs. Rock - I'm sure you know the peril that contact could bring.

I wish your marriage the very best, and I'm very happy to hear you both on our your way! Please don't let each other down, you only get few chances in life.

God Bless,

This is so weird because I really don't know what to expect.Like I said once before, I try to judge the way she feels on how I remember how I felt back when I was recovering. I just assume that she must feel how I did. Terrible and would never do that again. Although the circumstances seem different.
I guess I have to stop and think about what I really want from her. I know that the first thing I want and expect is that she behaves like a married woman. I just want her to understand what I'm going through. I know she knows somewhat because of what I put her through.
I want her to be open and honest with me. I want to talk about certain things without it turning into an argument.
Lately things have been going very, very well. She has seemed to have opened up to me and has just been a great wife lately.
I am so happy that she has been posting here. Just the fact that she has at least acknowledged all this makes me feel good. I just don't want her to get beat up here so bad that she doesn't come back.
That's all I got right now. Thank you all.
Rock

Hi again. Things are going ok. My wife is doing fine and we seem to be getting along very well. I kind of feel like we have been reconnecting lately. It's amazing how kids can just suck the intimacy out of a marriage. Not that I don't love my kids. I think that throughout the past few years we just put the importance of our marriage on the backburner so to speak. At least that is what I 've realized.

Mrsrock has been very well lately. The only problem is with myself. There are times when I seem obsessed with talking about the A (which we never do). I just let my thoughts pass. I'm doing good for a couple of hours, then it hits me and I can't stop thinking about it the next hour. Strange.

It is much better than it was. I used to just curl up in bed and shudder with nerves as I thought about things.
Well, I don't know where I'm going with this, so I will stop now.
Again, thanks for listening.
Rock

Rock,

I did the same thing when our kids came along. I spent time with them and not too much alone with my wife. Well along comes OM at work. Plenty of time at work to listen to my wife so next thing you know old Jed's a millionaire and an EA starts.

Learning from the past is a very good teacher.

keep up the good work.

I hear you M2L but and I know you don't espouse this, an affair because your Husband didn't make your M the top priority because the two of you together were, well raising your children, is no excuse. I bet 90% of the BS's weren't having important needs met either but they didn't sneak around and cheat and rip the heart out of their M and family.

Your life is a painting of the choices you make. some make better choices than others.

and another EA and then a PA.