I am 33 years old and in my first marriage. My wife just turned 30 and this is her second marriage. We have four kids, ages 2, 3, 6, and 10. The ten year-old is my step daughter that I adopted about three years ago.

Well, this coming February I will have been married for six years. However, I am not sure if I am going to make it. In February of 2005, I relocated to Iowa because of my company's decision to close our TN division. I left to house-hunt and was home every third week. My wife and children stayed behind so my oldest daughter could finish school. I thought everything was fine because we talked every evening and nothing made me think anything was wrong. The week she was supposed to come up, she got cold feet, saying that she did not want to leave her home. I flew down and convinced her that she would love it up here. Her and the kids got up here the first week of June.

The past 18 months have been a living nightmare. Every two or three months, she has an excuse to head back to TN. Whether it be court (child-support from her first marriage) or her dad's failing health, she always heads back for a few weeks and then comes home "to work things out". Once she comes back, things are great for a few weeks and then they slowly start spiraling downhill until she leaves again.

I found out that she was seeing someone. An older and single man. When I asked her about it, she said they were just friends. However, my oldest daughter finally shared with me some not too pleasant details (seeing mommy and this man in bed, etc.). From what my oldest says, this man even flew up here to help my wife and kids drive back to TN once! During my time up here alone, my wife would get someone to watch the kids while she went out bar-hopping. Apparently, this is how she met the man. I have cell phone records of her repeatedly calling him, and even went so far as to log all of the keystrokes on her laptop. When I read the chat-transripts, my heart fell to my feet.

I have suspected an affair but my wife has repeatedly told me that she would never cheat as long as she is married. This past Friday, my wife was hospitalized for a severe Urinary Tract Infection. She has had some serious ones before, each time she was pregnant. When she told me, I asked her to be honest and tell me if she has had sex since she has been down there. She said yes, one time, back in October. I asked her if she was pregnant and she said, "the nurse didn't tell me I was." This is avoiding the answer in my opinion.

She says she still wants to come home to spend Christmas with all four kids. I feel as though she is coming home for Christmas and then leaving before school starts back up so she can take all four kids back with her. When I ask her if she wants our marriage to be over, she simply says that she does not know. Today, I asked her if she wants a divorce and she actually said no. However, she said that we will just have to wait to see how things go.

I do not want a divorce. All my friends and family keep telling me that I have to because she is never going to change. I want my kids to be raised by both parents in the same house. If I divorce her, I will fight for full custody and if granted, she will have to move back to TN because she does not know anyone up here and cannot afford to get a place of her own. I have offered to seek counseling but she feels that our problems are nobody's business. I have tried everything I know to get her to stay in Iowa and work on our marriage. Everything seems fine until she has some reason to go back and then all that we have accomplished gets wiped out.

I come to this forum seeking guidance. I do not think my wife will ever change. I feel as though I have no other choice but to divorce her in order to provide some stability for my children. Please help!

You are letting your wife walk all over you. She said that she didn't want to get a divorce, and neither to do. So, you need to set some boundaries for the marriage to make sure this doesn't continue or happen again. Don't allow her to violate those boundaries. She doesn't repect you, and you cannot love someone that you do not respect. I believe that you said she is a stay at home mother, correct? How does she afford to travel back for TN so often? I am assuming that you pay for it. This should not be allowed to continue. Don't let her go back without you, and do not let her take the children with her by herself. If she does, cut her off, and take the children back. She does this because she is an addict, and you allow her to continue this behavior. I think you will find out that if you give her tough love and take a stand, she will come back to you.

You need to also read through this site and figure out what emotional needs the OM is providing that you haven't been, and start working on meeting those needs and avoid love busting behaviors. I would suggest calling Steven Harley to get a plan on how to attack your problem. The cost is $185/hr, but the advice is invaluable. My WW went up to visit OM (1000mi away) and I moved out and allowed her to talk with the OM for an hour a day on the phone. Not until I found this website did I stand up for myself. I posted my story on 11/3, I exposed that day, and I stood up for myself. By 11/8 I felt so empowered that I told my WW that she had to find another place to live, and had to start paying for her health and car insurance, and a new cell phone plan if she continued her affair. That day she agreed to NC with OM. See, sometimes reality is a b!tch, and most affairs can't survive reality. They can only exist in fantasy. Don't allow her fantasy world to continue. Trust me, she won't like the prospects of losing her kids and her financial security, but she won't realize the consequences of what she is doing unless you expose her to it. So, read up on plan A, expose her A to all who would have any influence on her to end it (family, friends, OM's family, etc.), and start enforcing some boundaries in your marriage. If you take the lead she will likely follow, but she'll go kicking and screaming because she is an angry addict.

Also, repost this in the General Questions II forum because you will get about 10 times the responses. That is where the pros hang out.

Thank you for your input. I agree with you that I have been letting her walk all over me, and yes, I pay for her to leave and stay away. If I don't let her leave, she threatens to take the kids away from me and I am afraid of losing them.

I have never been a confrontational person. I just go with the flow because it has always been easier for me. I cannot stand the thought of being a distant daddy as I never really knew my own father having a military step-father. I want my kids to be close to both parents but I just don't know how to convince my wife to want the same. I know in my heart that we can work things out if she would just realize how wrong she is with what she is doing.

I still love her and I feel sorry for her. She does not know what love really is and I do not know how to teach her (or whether she would listen).