I am posting this in General Questions on the advice of a fellow forum poster (not sure what the term is).

I am 33 years old and in my first marriage. My wife just turned 30 and this is her second marriage. We have four kids, ages 2, 3, 6, and 10. The ten year-old is my step daughter that I adopted about three years ago.

Well, this coming February I will have been married for six years. However, I am not sure if I am going to make it. In February of 2005, I relocated to Iowa because of my company's decision to close our TN division. I left to house-hunt and was home every third week. My wife and children stayed behind so my oldest daughter could finish school. I thought everything was fine because we talked every evening and nothing made me think anything was wrong. The week she was supposed to come up, she got cold feet, saying that she did not want to leave her home. I flew down and convinced her that she would love it up here. Her and the kids got up here the first week of June.

The past 18 months have been a living nightmare. Every two or three months, she has an excuse to head back to TN. Whether it be court (child-support from her first marriage) or her dad's failing health, she always heads back for a few weeks and then comes home "to work things out". Once she comes back, things are great for a few weeks and then they slowly start spiraling downhill until she leaves again.

I found out that she was seeing someone. An older and single man. When I asked her about it, she said they were just friends. However, my oldest daughter finally shared with me some not too pleasant details (seeing mommy and this man in bed, etc.). From what my oldest says, this man even flew up here to help my wife and kids drive back to TN once! During my time up here alone, my wife would get someone to watch the kids while she went out bar-hopping. Apparently, this is how she met the man. I have cell phone records of her repeatedly calling him, and even went so far as to log all of the keystrokes on her laptop. When I read the chat-transripts, my heart fell to my feet.

I have suspected an affair but my wife has repeatedly told me that she would never cheat as long as she is married. This past Friday, my wife was hospitalized for a severe Urinary Tract Infection. She has had some serious ones before, each time she was pregnant. When she told me, I asked her to be honest and tell me if she has had sex since she has been down there. She said yes, one time, back in October. I asked her if she was pregnant and she said, "the nurse didn't tell me I was." This is avoiding the answer in my opinion.

She says she still wants to come home to spend Christmas with all four kids. I feel as though she is coming home for Christmas and then leaving before school starts back up so she can take all four kids back with her. When I ask her if she wants our marriage to be over, she simply says that she does not know. Today, I asked her if she wants a divorce and she actually said no. However, she said that we will just have to wait to see how things go.

I do not want a divorce. All my friends and family keep telling me that I have to because she is never going to change. I want my kids to be raised by both parents in the same house. If I divorce her, I will fight for full custody and if granted, she will have to move back to TN because she does not know anyone up here and cannot afford to get a place of her own. I have offered to seek counseling but she feels that our problems are nobody's business. I have tried everything I know to get her to stay in Iowa and work on our marriage. Everything seems fine until she has some reason to go back and then all that we have accomplished gets wiped out.

I come to this forum seeking guidance. I do not think my wife will ever change. I feel as though I have no other choice but to divorce her in order to provide some stability for my children. Please help!

Welcome to marriagebuilders. How long have you been married? Not that it matters, but just curious.

How are you getting by financially? Do you work? Does she work? How do you take care of the children while she takes these "trips"? How does she afford them?

Thank you for the welcome. I have been browsing MB for almost two months now, taking notes and trying to find things I can change. I have tried sharing information with my wife but she never has any time to talk to me anymore.

Anyway, I have been married going on six years. Financially, we are getting by. We had more money when we lived in TN (cost of living was MUCH lower) but somehow we manage to pay all the bills and have very little left to live. I work as an IT Manager. She works when she feels like it. She has never had a job for more than six months. When she takes her trips during the summer, she takes all four kids. During school time, I keep the ones in school (currently, two of them). This last time, she got a job as something to do and to pay her car payment. Well, she never has enough and I have still made the payment. She now owes the daycare down there over $100 that she wants me to pay. Also, she got her own cell phone so I couldn't check the call records. She now has a $400 bill that she blames me for since all the calls are mine and I am on a different carrier.

My wife is not the smartest person. I love her dearly, but she is more street smart than book smart. I wish I could have someone explain to her what she is doing or help her figure out what she wants. I have enjoyed much of the advice I have gathered from MB and have even used it to improve my productivity at work!

My family and friends say that my marriage is over and I need to file for divorce to protect my children from her. However, I just do not feel in my heart that is what I want. I feel I need to, but I do not want to. Any help would be GREATLY appreciated.

Don't pay any attention to what families and friends say. Of course, they want the best for you, and that is good. But unless they have been through this, they have no idea.

How long did you know your wife before you married?

Also, what does she do with 4 kids while she is in TN?

beliver, thank you for responding. My mom and step-dad divored about six years ago, so I listen to my mom very closely. However, I just do not feel that a divorce is the answer. My job is to solve problems. It is all I have ever done and I consider myself pretty good at it. I just cannot believe that this problem with my marriage cannot be solved without a divorce! I understand that marriage takes work and I have not been meeting many of my wife's needs. I know in my heart that I can change myself if she would just give me an honest chance. That is my biggest problem though, she will not be honest with me about anything. She tells me things are fine with us right before she decides to leave me again because she is unhappy. Very confusing.

We dated for two years before actually getting married. Two years to the day, so February 24th means a lot to me.

She pawns the kids off to family, friends and strangers while she goes out partying. One time back in August of 2005, she even left three of my kids at her brother's house with his two young kids unsupervised! All ages were 9, 4, 2, 2, and 10 months! My second child stayed at her parents. Her dad called me about it and I flew down the next morning to bring all of them back. My wife continues to say that someone was outside. How can you watch kids from outside the house??? My ten year old (9 at the time) said that no one was home and she kept calling her mom. My wife told my daughter that if she called again, she would get in trouble!

Of course the problem can be solved. You just have to figure out how.

It sounds like your wife has some issues. Is there any substance abuse? How old is she?

There is no substance abuse that I am aware of. She likes to go out and drink socially, but never any abuse. I gave up drinking when her and I started getting serious. I was in the military and drank heavily. When I met her and her daughter, I fell in love immediately and gave drinking up.

She just turned 30. I can understand that she is going through some emotional roller coaster, having four kids before you reach 30 can take a toll on anyone. I just cannot fathom how she can keep doing this to our children.

What happened to her previous marriage?

She got pregnant while in high school, her father "made" her get married. Her previous husband continued to cheat on her during her entire pregnancy and the cheating never stopped. Her ex-husband even told me that he has seen her at bars with this OM! He said he is proud that he let me adopt his daughter because if I ever divorce and get custody, he knows his daughter will be well taken care of.

Okay. She has some issues. You sound like an honorable man. I suggest you do more reading here. Plan A is the starting point. Show her what a wonderful husband you can be.

Then we will work on how to keep her at home, with no more "vacations".

Thank you for the complement. I was raised by a military step-father and honor is something that was drilled into me from a very young age. "Our word is who we are and without it, we are nothing."

I have been trying Plan A for two months now with no success. I have shared with her much of the wonderful advice I have found here on MB. I even suggested we go through it together when she comes home. She listens and agrees but I feel as though she is doing so just to pacify me a little longer. I cannot trust anything she says because she has continously lied to me. When will people learn that all lies are eventually discovered?!?

I first shared with her that I understood why she keeps leaving - because I have not been filling her EN. I explained what they were and even shared some ideas to change all that. I even drew up a schedule to ensure we get at LEAST 15 hours of private time each week. Every time I start talking about our marriage, one of the younger kids needs her attention and she has to get off the phone. I know she lying because I have cell phone records where she spent three hours on the phone while I was at work! She had three kids at home during that time and she found a way to talk for three hours!!! I am only asking for ten minutes and she cannot find a way to give me that.

Ranger,

In response to your posting on the other forum, she is using the threat of taking your children to enable her affair. She has no more right to take your children than you do. She can't very well take your children from you if she has no money. You can seek a restraining order to keep her from taking the children out of state if there is the threat of harm (and exposing them to the OM can constitute a threat). Don't let her bully you. You need to expose to her family and friends. Ask them not to let her drop the children off so she can go screw the OM. It's about time you man up and put an end to this. She and everyone you expose to will respect you more for taking a stand.

Right now, don't talk about your relationship. She won't want to hear it. Also don't try to educate her. She won't like that either.

Instead, work on yourself. Stay in Plan A. Expect nothing from her. I know how difficult it is, but you are the one here, and you are the one that can change things.

What are you going to do about the adultery, Ranger? You wrote about Plan A, but Plan A comes after you've taken measures to expose this obscene adulterous relationship to everyone who can put pressure on it and kill it. What's your plan, pardner?

Have you taken steps to ensure your adulterous wife cannot take the children out of state? What does your attorney say? Have you read Dr. Harley's book Surviving An Affair?

I see in your words a tendency to be passive. Perhaps that's an erroneous impression but it sure looks like you're hoping this will all blow over and the world will be all hunky dorry again just as soon as your WW figures things out. It isn't going to happen that way. Right now, your adulterous wife is having everything her way...and her children, and you, get to suffer so she can continue.

When do you get proactive, bub?

What's your plan, Ranger?

Ranger,

I am sorry you are here. I am going to take a completely different approach than Believer, more along the lines of Longhorn. I also make my living solving problems and there is one thing I know for a fact. If you don't accept ALL possible solutions, the odds of failing are very very high.

You said
You state that you believe that the problem with your marriage can be solved without divorce. Well, let's define the problem properly. The problem you face is really NOT about your marriage. It is about YOU, it is about YOUR children, it is about your W, and yes it is about your relationship (marriage).

The methods espoused here offer you the ability to make a plan to attempt to save your marriage, and the very FIRST thing you have to do is accept that your W is cheating on you, will cheat on you, and will suck you and your children dry in the process UNTIL you get it in gear and expose the affair, take some actions, and PROTECT your children.

You are putting them in harms way and YOU know it and this is NOT your W's fault, it is yours...YOU KNOW BETTER. Get a court order or whatever to keep them there with you. Next you protect your finances because YOU are going to have to support and plan for your children's immediate future and more distant future such as higher education.

Now once you have done this, THEN you start to worry about your marriage. You would be well advised to develop a good plan with Plan A and plan B as a major component. You would be even wiser to seek the advice of the Harley's.

Your W is having her cake and eating it too, but in the process your children are exposed to possible danger, and mistreatment...protect them because it is clear your W will not.

Ranger, you have more than one problem to address, your children and your support of them comes first. Figure out how to do that. Then start to address the possibility of saving your marriage.

I must tell you however, that if you are not willing to admit the possible solution being the dissolution of the marriage, you will have NO leverage either within yourself or with your W. I am not talking about threatening, I am talking about doing what NEEDS to be done. What works is often very counter intuitive, for example exposure, which is the corner stone of plan A. The WS WILL be mad, well not just mad, livid. You would think you would want to avoid it, but Mr. you WANT her mad, really mad. That way she cannot withdraw from you especially when deep down she knows she is the cause of it. This is just one example.

Please read more, but start to really address ALL of the problems you face and address the issue of your children FIRST.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL