[subject line edited, to reflect more recent posts to this thread]
(original thread back here )


So.... for those folks who havent been reading my other threads.. wife served me with a summons dec 11th, giving notice that she has filed for divorce. I have until jan 8th-ish, to file my "response".
Apparently, she filed way back in july <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
But didnt serve me, because allegedly that's right about the time when I asked her to not do anything until next june, to give us a chance to work on things.

I asked her why she served me now, rather than in june... she gave me fairly foggy responses as, "she has to protect herself, from the 'red flags' she's seen from me". (eg: actually paying attention to what she's been doing,and writing it down)

After re-iterating that I would still like us to work out a real marriage together (as Steve H suggested to me), she has finally agreed to actually discuss what a "good marriage" should look like. (in an ongoing kinda format)

YES, I know it isnt very likely she is serious. But I still need to take the opportunity seriously, myself.

I got a chance to briefly talk to Steve today, and he suggested that I follow the general flow of the book,
"Fall in love, stay in love".

Does anyone have any other advice, that they have successfully used in helping to open up a WS to be receptive to the MB philosophy of marriage?

I'd LIKE for us to start with talking with Steve together. but she has a lifelong phobia about counsellors, so she wont go, i think, and I wouldnt take that in itself as proof she isnt cooperating. On the flip side, I would take her going, as a very large sign that she IS looking to cooperate. But, we'll see what develops.

Did you tell Steve these things today??? Do you plan to??? If not techie, I don't see how he is going to be able to really help you...This is akin to going to the doctor and not telling them all of your symptoms...That doesn't make sense to me, does it to you?

Also, in order to get the most out of this forum, you should consider doing the same here...otherwise, this is just a waste of other people's time and yours, KWIM?

Mrs. W

In case you missed my email skewering you for lambasting my wife for the above post allow me to reiterate for you here. Back off my wife.

STOP EMAILING US

We will post whatever we feel like posting on this now ridiculous saga. NOBODY can offer you candid productive advice if you are not going to provide the whole story...most especially to Steve Harley and/or Jennifer Chalmers. There are a lot of other more appreciative and forthright people here that could use our time, experience and resources. Thus, pointing out to others not to waste their time IS a VALUABLE POST (of course, others remain free to choose what THEY want to do with their time). It will NOT be deleted despite your poignant and rude demand and may be repeated if you merely begin other threads. Somebody has got to protect the lurkers and other posters who may believe they can find value reading your thread.

On the other hand, if YOU have a post you'd like us to make for you...feel free to email me and I'll post it for you. (sarcasm since you've continually been asking me and a lot of others to edit their posts and stick to certain pre-approved topics).

I'm done wit U. Take care...my empathy cup no longer runneth over

Mr. Wondering

no, it's harrassment.

and PUBLICALLY blasting me, for sending a PRIVATE email to you, asking to leave me alone, is rude, to boot.

Oh, so you think your wife is not smart enough to read all of your threads just the current one?

You, are the most arrogant poster that has graced the pages of this forum.

Because you consider yourself some higher level thinker than all of the morons on here, you feel like you have the right to treat us like we are idiots?

Look, if you treat your wife with the same arrogance and attitude that you treat the people here, well, let's just say you really really really need to work on the carrot part of plan A. You have a long long long way to go before any woman I know would be willing to be drawn back in.

Maybe instead of bashing posters who are trying to help you you ought to spend a great deal of time in some self evaluation and doing your dead level best to make yourself into a decent human being

MrW

Co-signed

huh? What on earth would make you think I was trying to avoid having my wife read this thread? There's nothing that I wrote in my thread starter that I could imagine needing to "hide" from her. I started a new thread, because I thought it would be nice to have a clean thread, about "how to open up a discussion about MB building blocks with a WS".

heck, I REFERENCED this thread, in my old thread. Kinda an odd way to "hide from my wife", doncha think?

But instead of people providing some insight into the question, I just get harrassment about other threads.

Techie:

I don't know much of your story, but I do know this:


You can't help if she didn't ask you for the help. It's that simple. In all probability, you're desire 2 introduce her 2 MB methods will backfire.

You're separated and she's recently filed for DV? Seems like other things are on your plate first.


Huh? What does cooperating look like in this si2ation?


That'd be obvious. But wait for her 2 suggest it. Don't push it.

-ol' 2long

so, if you are talking about this thread on that one, then why can't Mrs. W talk about that one on this one?

inquiring minds want to know

wait, I forogt- you don't mind her reading your threads as you are the one that emails folks and asks them to edit their posts to suit your purpose.

Better still, anyone can look up any user's previous posts by clicking on their username, then clicking on "show all user's posts" at the bottom of the box.

There, I've just added a "link" 2 all our old posts, should anyone want 2 know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Techie,
I have not posted to you before so forgive me if I am missing many pieces here to your story...
ask your wife what she would be comfortable doing as far as counseling. It is very intimidating for some people to talk with a stranger.... there's nothing unusual about that. But since you have a need to get some help with your situation, start by asking her what would make her comfortable.
Do you date your wife?
Is she seeing someone else during your seperation?
Rather that trying to push her to counseling, perhaps a better approach in the short term is to be an example of a wonderful spouse. I know your opportunities are limited living in seperate households... but make the most of the ones that are afforded you.

hmm. actually, maybe "cooperating" is a poorly chosen word, in this case. Not sure what the best choice would be.

I was getting ahead of myself, and posting background to quetions that I thought people might ask me.

ie: I was guessing that people might say, "well, the best way to introduce her to MB principles, could be to go have a joint session with Steve H. If she wont go, then she probably isnt serious about talking"

So, I was mentioning ahead of time, "I dont think she would do a joint session for this kind of thing, because she is opposed to counsellors in general. Not neccessarily because she was stalling".

Does that make it clearer?

Post deleted by techie

well it has been posted by several posters that you are doing it.

was that supposed to be a secret, too?

People would like to help you- only how do you expect them to if you only give half truths? Give half help?

Who thinks techie should go to Plan B? (Oops! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Was I allowed to say that?) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

don't be saying dat bad thing!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I will never mention Plan B on this thread again. If I accidentally do mention Plan B, I will immediately edit out any reference to said Plan B. At least, that is my plan. We only talk about the "Harley Lite" principles here. Half the plans, half the calories.

Yes, I do.

This may sound very counter-intuitive, but I think the most likely scenario that she would be willing to open up to these concepts is one in which you stop trying to make her be receptive to them.

That is control. Any attempt you make at controlling her will likely be met with rebellion. It's a natural response.

IMO, the best chance you have at accomplishing this is to re-focus your efforts. Every time you find yourself worrying about how to get her to do something...DROP THE REINS, step back and focus on practicing MB concepts on your end.

Lead by example.

I agree Frozen. I am a fixer and problem solver and it was really hard for me to understand that you can't fix anyone. They have to want to be helped. Anytime I tried anything that was geared at my now EX WW working on saving our M OR even now when I place boundaries and such in regards to the care of our son (of whom I have custody) she reacts with "you can't control me"....and you know what I can't.

I can place boundaries and provide consequences if those boundaries are breached and have done so but I cannot control her. She is destined for destruction and try as I might I can no longer help save her from herself. I have finally accepted that.