What happened to my right to say, "i'm not interested in your opinion, go away"?

If I asked for an opinion on "POJA" type stuff, and someone heep ranting on about how exposure is critical to marital recovery... do they have a "right" to do that, and screw up a discussion thread on POJA?

I would hope you would agree "no". it's not relevant, and gets in the way of good conversation about POJA.

So in the same vein, I dont see how people somehow have a "right" to keep going on about subjects in a thread, when I have specifically and clearly asked people up front, to give up on those subjects in that thread.

and its not even just me "asking", and my "opinion" that those subjects are inappropriate for my situation. I made it clear, that STEVE HARLEY has said that stuff was not right in my situation. but people keep harassing me and messing up my attempts at a clean thread.

I emailed them asking them to clean up the interruptions they made in the thread, and I get more grief about it.

Sheesh.

and SH of course has whatever information you consider appropriate, not all the available facts. In fact on these boards, I think your true colours have shone through Techie. I wonder if SH read your threads what he would tell you.

Will you define what a "clean thread" is?

And can you point to a thread on here that IS "clean"?

~ Marsh

wow techie, I really don't know why there is such negativity here, seems like transferance of some sort.

Anyway, all the best.

Well since I did study logic...

Okay excuse me but if you really want to use the term "exactly the same logic", then what you are technically saying is that your WW made a bad choice in marrying you in the first place. That is the only situation in which "exactly the same logic" would apply here.

If that is not the case, then your argument to 2Long's post is truly convoluted.

"convoluted" is Techie's specialty

Here's what I would consider to be the problem with not disclosing to your counselor relevent info about your wife...

1 There really MIGHT be something different that he would advise as a result of that info [for example if she was raped by her father then spent 10 years as a prostitute which is how she met you.. things like that which fall outside of the norm may greatly impact his ability to use the standard practices due to rewiring of her circuits]

and

2 There is the danger that you are crafting the intelligence to lead to the answer that you will accept..in essence a predetermined response which is the only one you will accept in which case it is not counsel but rather validation that you are seeking. [See! Even this world reknown MC agrees with me.]

And you know what? That's all fine with me because it's not unethical and doesn't affect me one smidge. Either of those things are acceptable and not 2x4 worthy for me personally.

You have some religious beliefs that I don't share..I have already given several examples to refute and support my perspective..if you want to reject them that's ok too. I'll still not agree and you'll still be living according to what you believe is correct and required so everyone is happy.

Aside from just generally keeping you company and filling the dark days meeting those conversational needs that are probably going unmet...I'm not really sure what to offer.

Personally I'm a hardliner.

Fix it or end it is pretty much my motto. There are a lot of people who use other methods with varying degrees of success and even a different definition of success so you have to consider the source.

I think a lot of the frustration seems to stem from where you are saying you want to go...not really following the logical path of your choices. I don't personally see them leading to your stated destination. I'm basing that opinion on personal bias and on a few years of observation.

Certain patterns tend to repeat. I see them over and over and eventually I start to categorize for example..weak BS with no dignity----> WS who doesn't respect them....BS prone to AOs----> WS is "immune" but might respond to quiet self control and the reverse as well...Self controlled BS having a FU fit..well it's worked more than once...more often than not.

A lot of WSs are not necessarily in BAD marriages per say..they are just bored or were not buyers to begin with.

These are some of the issues that BS will have to deal with because no one WANTS to admit that they made a huge misjudgement or tried to create a buyer out of a renter and believed they had the power to do it.

Then ~sigh~ there are the addicts and personality disorders.

Frankly until those issues are addressed I have not personally seen ANYONE have consistent lasting success or recovery.

Yet the average BS is so heavily invested and fogged themselves most couldn't possibly stand back and make an honest/accurate assesment of their situation..their hopes will always color things just as the expectations of others will do likewise.

That's what I like about a concrete plan.

It takes the middleman out of the equation. That's a good thing...he's a confused unstable SOB anyway.

A plan..even executed imperfectly...still gives you better odds at hitting the mark than leaving it to chance does..failing that it at least offers some peace of mind that you have done all that you realistically can and therefore allow you to emotionally "let go" [I say emotionally because any control we ever thought we had was an illusion anyway] which is the hardest of all.

So I've seen a lot of arguing/debating and no concrete plan or sharpening of the blades..this is a pretty shoddy war room if I do say so myself.

I wouldn't be willing to head out to go hand to hand with this sort of gear and don't predict good results for anyone who does.

Since you have mentioned you are a Christian I'll just assume that you realize you are at war and not only with what is visable and obvious.

So ..what's the plan and what can I do to help?

You have the right to ask others to go away. I would suggest that you do it here and not on email. JMHO.

As for the posts being directed your way on this thread.... the hypocrisy on these boards is staggering at times.

I read threads everyday, from people who WANT to be helped, including yours truly, so those of you who do NOT feel that they are helping Techie, by all means, hit my thread. I would love to be getting as much attention.

Techie has told anyone who does not prescribe to how HE thinks that things should go in trying to save his M, to leave the threads he makes, so I advise just that.

If you notice that he has replied to a newbie in a manner that you disagree with, go ahead and post there, but I feel that it is a waste of valuable resources to argue with a person who obviously has his hands over his ears, his eyes shut, and is shouting to himself, 'I do not hear you!' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Let those who feel they can relate with Techie help him, otherwise, DANG, there are many others here who need you wise guys... : <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sorry techie:

This is a public 4um that is privately owned by MB.

You do have a mechanism by which you can effectively not pay attention 2 the advice you get by starting heated threads like this one - put us on "ignore."

Also, if we violate the TOS, you can report us 2 the mods.

silentlucidity:

I've come back (so far) because of the interest I have in techie's brand of conflict avoidance, and his need 2 control outcomes. Many of us have "experience" in those areas (and regret it now). So we think we can help. And we try 2 help, knowing full well that techie will likely resist hearing the good advice by lumping it with the bad and labeling it as a waste of his time.

But someday, maybe, something will strike a cord. Or not.

-ol' 2long

Ah, okay, thanks for clearing that up for me. I'm not a heartless wench, so I understand that all BS's are dealing with the unthinkable, and ON TOP of that, need to deal with their own faults. I see such great advice going out to Techie, and I get frustrated with his lack of self reflection in all of this. Others here are trying so hard to find their way, prescribing to the MB philosophy as best they can, and gaining knowledge of themselves because so many take precious time out of their lives to help. I guess I have mistaken conflict avoidance with ingratitude.

Thank you, noodle, for offering to help, in a "constructive" way. Others who like to think of themselves as "helping", could learn a whole lot from you.
Not just by that sentence, but from the whole way you worded your post, in contrast to others. Thank you.


To reply specifically...


(heh.. "7 habits of highly effective people"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

my main plan is, "follow the professional. Follow Steve".
He doesnt seem to LIKE having an end-to-end plan. He seems to like to focus on one thing at a time, and not actually lay out a full plan ahead of time to his clients (I think I've read this from others who have counselled with him).
I think this is part of the "coach" metaphore. A coach doesnt lay out the strategy for the whole game ahead of time. He goes "play by play", and adjusts with the flow of the game, so to speak.
For those who dont know, the Harleys like to refer to themselves as marriage "coaches", not counsellors.


That is actually a very good thing to offer in itself.
As I posted at the top of my other recent thread, I keep posting here in part as a diary, and in part, just to get some feedback and company in this horrible ordeal.
To get some thoughts on what my wife might be thinking. hear about other similar stuff, that other people may have gone through. But as far as people here telling me what to do with my marriage... those people should quit harrassing me and go elsewhere. There's only one person, outside of me, that is steering my actions along the path to marriage recovery,and that's the person I'm paying money to, around every month: steve harley.

Ok, lets see how well it works:

BigKahuna, piojitos, moveforward: "go away."

Yeah, there's a certain amount of "drift" on most any thread here longer than 2 posts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But on "most any thread here", people dont usually go out of their way to "drift" onto topics that were specifically noted as not welcome.

Techie,

There's a really good feature on MB whereby you can ignore a poster. Why don't you work out how to use it.

And Please Techie, you've alienated many more people than the 3 you have named.

Hmmm...Okay, so essentially you could just start a blog to do this dear diary, hand holding, pat pat project you've got going on...


Okay, right now your marriage is FAILING, and you want to hear similar stuff??? Why??? How would that help you??? In your position, I would pick out what I wanted, which I would ASSume would be a recovered marriage, look for those that have that and ask in earnest what they have done to achieve that state...You remind me of a trainee that I once had...The person went on a sales call with me...I pitched and aced the sale...I asked "the green one" what, if anything, he had learned in the process...His words to me I still find comical today...He said, "Well I would have learned more if they would have told you no!"...*THUD*...The newbie had missed the entire point...techie, success begets success...


Well first, people TRYING desperately to help you is NOT harrassment...Dude you are shooting at your rescuers...WHY??? Amazingly your email to me was much closer to harrassment...telling me that I was sabotaging your thread...HUH??? Why because I spoke the TRUTH??? Is truth offensive to you techie??? I only used YOUR OWN WORDS and asked a couple of follow up questions...that is all I am guilty of...Lastly, I reiterate, PLEASE GIVE STEVE ALL THE FACTS IN YOUR SITUATION...Anything but that is a mission in futility...By the way, I'm sorry to hear that you are leaving God out as one who steers your actions through this storm...Might be time to give up control and bend your knee techie...(Mr. W on his knees in prayer had a significant impact on wayward me and the affair...let me know if you'd like to hear more about this...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

Mrs. W

techie,

I can't even figure out why you post. You are apparently paying Dr. Harley for his services. What more do you need? He is certainly more qualified than anyone else here to help you - yet you ask anyway. And when you don't like the advice you get, you complain, ask people to change it or twist it to what you want to hear. So why do you post anyway? I'm stumped.

You might consider going to the corner store and buying a notebook to do your journaling in, instead of posting it here. Since you don't want the advice that you're bound to get from posting here, it seems to me a notebook would give you a lot less feedback and grief.

Posting here is pretty much a garauntee that you'll get advice and feedback, which you've made clear you aren't interested in.

Make sense?

pio, you make such perfect sense.

I have been asking that same thing on each of Techie;s threads.

As for what his wife is thinking? I would guess it might be "I am going to prove he can not control me any longer. He can try, but I am away from that controling and I am not going to put myself back into a situation like that again."

Personally, I don't think you should go to plan b- as I don't think you plan a has been very effecctive. Part of plan A is to make improvments to yourself in order to draw the WS back.

Have you made changes? Surely you can't be telling us you are less controlling than you were?

Honoestly, you really ought to work on yourself for a while before you plan b- you want her to WANT the person you have become- not continue to run from the controlling person you are.

Sorry you don't like me and tho others you named. You asked for advice- we are giving it to you - too bad you can't CONTROL the advice with us like you do with Steve H by not telling him everything. You do realize that is conntrol, don't you? Or is conntrol just so a part of you you can't see it anymore?

have a nice day