My H found my diary of negative emotions about him and our relationship. He told me how hurt he was to read some of the hurtful words in this book. He says that I [me] knows how sensitive he is about how he looks; his weight, his male parts, how he performs in bed. His response to me was that he heard worse and how could I express such feelings when there has been happiness. He asked why I didn't come to him about this. I apologized and I told him that I write my negative emotions to get them out of my system so that I can deal with them better. He just felt so hurt and frustrated that I would even write such things and that my happy feelings were fake.

This is the same man that has a porn addiction and addiction to the internet. This is the same man that posted profiles on the Internet as a single man. This is the same man that has rejected me sexually and told me that I had a sexual addiction because I wanted it so much. I have been hurt by these things. I guess he knows how it feels.

I do love my H and want to make things right with him. How can I recover and regain my H respect? Has anyone experienced anything like this before?

kstan,

Ok, you have me confused and I mean really confused.

In the first paragraph you clearly have negative feelings for him, and yet apologize.

In the next paragraph you vilify the man.

In the next paragraph you say you love him.

If a casual reading is confused can you imagine how your H feels?

So could you educate me a bit. Where do you stand on and in this marriage? This is not a trick question, but in order to offer any advice at all, I would like to know what your goals are with regard to this marriage.

God Bless,

JL

He's hurt? Then ask him, if you did to him what he is DOING to you, what emotion WOULD HE be displaying?

L.

How can I recover and regain my H respect?

Respect yourself!
Sounds like trite advice?
You absolutely have a right to your feelings. Did you write those things in hope that he would find them? Was it simply airing emotions? Do you wish he'd make changes?

Are you radically honest in your relationship?

Respect yourself.
What things do you do in your life independent of him that make you proud?

Yes - I have been there. I too wrote a list of 37 negative things about my husband when i was in plan a. and he snooped and found it. so in essence he did not trust the changes that he saw b/c i was harboring such feelings for him. Did i want him to find it????
I had hid it.
Was I so frustrated in plan a with a man that loved another like i felt i should be loved that i'd want to see him react in some way to me??? YES.
(of course it took me 3 mos. to admit it)

Has he stopped the internet addiction? Has he sought help?
Will he use this as an excuse to start up again?

Hello-

Perhaps he feels rejected by you. And the negative comments in your diary added to his hurt feelings. One of the reasons men are attracted to porn is because they can be with women who "want" them (not really, but they can pretend).

There are two problems here: his porn addiction and your dishonesty. You can't MAKE him give up porn. Stop trying. But you CAN work on yourself. From now on, be honest with him. Talk about the things you wrote. Tell him why you wrote them. Also tell him how his porn use affects you. And, if you want to be with him, tell him! Show him! There is nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who wants to be with him.

Good luck!

First of all there is no confusion on my part. I was airing negative emotions about my husband that I wish I could say to him. I wish he would take better care of his physical health, I wish he would listen to me as I talk about what pleasures me without telling me all I want is sex, he had a porn addiction before I married him.

Just learning,

I am learning that I can't change my husband's addiction. He has to want to change it himself. Where do I stand in this marriage, I want to be married to him. I can't imagine myself without him. I want to work on our communication. I want to work on our marriage. I am not confused about any of this, these are negative emotions. Now, where do we go from here? Counseling may be a good solution, but I found out yesterday that my H doesn't want counseling. He would rather try to work this out without the help of anyone else. He says it is embarassing to him to admit that he is having problems in his marriage.

SaturnRising,

I have never rejected my H. I have always been there for him with open arms even when he lied about how many children he had before we got married, and how much child support he was really paying. I didn't like that harsh reality, but I have dealth with it. I have mentioned my true feelings about this particular situation and his response is "you will never forgive me for that". He wants me to forgive him and never tell him how I truly feel about the lie.

Also, this book was hidden in the back of a drawer. He knows that I write in this book and he often says that it is all bad things about him. Not true, there are so many wonderful things about my H, things that I like about him. How marrying him is one of the happiest days of my life.

His internet addiction turned into downloading music CD's to the computer. Between the two of us we have over 3,000 CD's and he feels that by putting all of them on the hard drive will keep them safe. I think he going to break it. He still looks at porn and has had women he knows sending him naked photos to his cell phone, I found the photos and he has now locked the phone.

I know we need counseling. I will not nag him into getting counseling.

You say you love him and have "never rejected him", but every one of your posts (I read your thread in emotional needs also) lists negative things about your husband. He criticises the way you clean the house. He tells you that you want sex too often. He has a porn addiction. He lied about children and child support. He locked his cell phone, which has pornographic pictures.

You're sending conflicting messages.

What type of advice are you really looking for? Can you pinpoint one major problem that you'd like to work on in your marriage?

I would like to work on our communication and honesty.

Good answer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There are many techniques that can help you improve with this. Make sure that you understand that you can only work to improve yourself- you cannot change your husband. However, when you change... it is likely that he will change too.

First- be completely honest with him, in a non-confrontational way. Use "I" statements. Explain how you feel. If you do this, he will never be surprised by anything he reads in your diary.

Second- eliminate "love busters" in your interactions with him. Angry outbursts, silent treatment, disrespectful judgements. Never assume you understand how he feels. ASK HIM instead, if you are unclear.

Third- be consistent and supportive with him. Make him feel "safe" with you. He will be more likely to open up if he feels that you are on his side, a true companion to him.

Keep trying and don't give up. I realize that you're a newlywed- this is new and perhaps overwhelming. I have been married 15 years and am only starting to really feel like I have a handle on this. It's hard but not impossible. Good luck!

Thanks for the encouragement.

There is something else I don't understand about my husband. Why does he feel that I need to constantly tell him that he is a good man and husband. He also needs me to give him some praise when he cleans the house. He says I never appreciate anything that he does. I said to myself ok if he needs me to tell him that he is a good man then that is what I will do and I tell him how much I appreciate all that he is doing, it doesn't seem to do much good. Because he forgets that I have told him those things, I am trying to give him what he needs. But when there is an arguement he tells me that I never appreciate him.

To show my husband how much I appreciate him working hard and I knew he needed a break, I invited him on a date this weekend to the movies. We had a nice dinner and saw a good show. But the diary thing brought out "the I never appreciate him". I told him when I invited him out for date I wanted to have a breather, let's catch up and talk since he works 7 days a week. I told him that I could see the tired look in his eyes and the feeling of this 7 day work week never ending.

He found the diary after this wonderful weekend. What I wrote was from the beginning of this month. Looking back I wrote these negative words because I was mad at the naked pictures I found in his cell phone. So....yeah, this is a communication issue that I have to workout with him. I have to learn how to communicate with my husband without confronting. I confronted him about the photos and it gave him an opportunity to give a quick story, get upset, and lock his cell phone. In some way I am glad that he read it because I want openess from him, I just have to find the correct way to approach him and help him feel safe with me.

kstan,

Why he wants praise? I am quoting from your first post
I would say that if he is feeling inferior about the topics just mentioned, that your question is answered. From a male point of view these are BIGGIES.

Communications can be addressed by doing to things: 1st learn to really listen to him. Repeat what you think you heard "do I understand what you have said when you said ...?" Then think about what you heard.

2nd, make sure you are very honest, not brutally honest (LB's), but clearly honest with no accusations. When you have porn on your phone I am ... embarrassed, ashamed, concerned for your image, worried about who will see it, etc.

Notice I did not mention "hurt", or "offended" why? They are not easily defined. Use words that have meaning when you communicate. Hurt, down, etc, convey feelings, but they are in the eye of the beholder. Make the words really target what you think and feel.

You are entitled to your negative comments, but to think he would not take them personally is foolish. This is especially true given the quote I mentioned.

Next, remember you are NOT his counselor, but you are his W, his friend, his lover. If his abilities in bed leave something to be desired, work with him, show him how to become a "stud" in your eyes. If you want to respect him, tell him what you respect in a man. I would think HONESTY and the ability to face his failings and failures would be high. Consider it.

If your goal is to love him, respect him, and be his mate, then tell him and also tell him what it will take. Not in a "you failed" way, but in a way that indicates that this is an upward spiral and that your goals for marriage and his CAN be met...IF you both address the others issues as friends and lovers.

Get to work on a plan for YOUR improvement. YOu have been told many times he will respond to changes in you. One cannot predict what that response will be but change is good. If he indicates he wants a happy and loving marriage, sit down with him and make a plan for the both of you, a VERY SPECIFIC plan. Lots of details, lots of "how do we help each other" details, how do we know we are succeeding, etc.

You have been correctly told that porn is fantasy, often men themselves don't realize what it is, they just know what seems to make them feel better. If he realizes it is a fantasy based on being "desired", which it is in most cases, then start to talk about how to make the fantasy are reality. This will require YOU to examine your own desires, and perhaps fantasies.

The point is, your situation is not hopeless, IF you want it to work. Your situation is not hopeless, IF you will start to visualize the positive things you want in this marriage and establish goals to make them happen. But, for him to come along he will need to know you do see negative things in him AND positive things.

You should NOT shy away from your negative comments. In fact, I would guess if you looked him in the eye and said that is how you felt when you wrote them, it may hurt him, it will hurt him. However, your next comment is to tell him he has the POWER to change all of your negative thoughts, he simply needs to be honest with you, and work with you to make your marriage better. But, "work" can be fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Make sure he knows this as well.

Must go, please think about all you have read here, and do more reading. Set your goals, and then communicate your goals to him...honestly, clearly, concisely, and with grace.

God Bless,

JL

Also, realize that open and honest communication requires safety. That is, you must make it safe for him to reveal unpleasant truths. If he says something that hurts your feelings, and you lash out at him in response, then he is not going to say anything he fears will upset you. If he says something is hurting HIM, and you pooh pooh it, or belittle him, or you invalidate his feelings, then he is not going to admit his feelings to you.

So realize that when you say you want honesty and better communication, you better mean that you want to hear the BAD stuff. And that you will thank him for his honesty. Even when you would prefer that he not feel the way he feels. You will prove whether you truly desire honesty by your behavior when he delivers unpleasant information.

Too often people say they want open communication. But what they are really looking for is accountability. As in "I want him to tell me the truth about where he goes and what he views on the Internet so I don't worry about what he is doing". Fine, it is OK to want accountability. But some of those people do not truly want honest communication. As in "it bugs me when you constantly nag me to fold my socks a particular way". Make sure you understand what you want before you ask for it.

JustLearning and holdingontoit,

Both good sound advice. I will take these comments into consideration. I will talk to him when things settle down. His emotions are still raw and the wounds are deep. In the meantime I will come up with some ways to communicate without confrontation (I am really bad at that, I confront everything head on and that's when things can get ugly). I do appreciate total honesty about feelings and things people don't like about me. I can take constructive criticism. I will keep everyone updated.

kstan,

Here is something very subtle for you to consider. Addressing things head on, is often a very good thing. Confronting, is not unless you want a fight. Here is something you need to realize. If your H's defenses come up, your chances of success go way down. If you can get under his defenses your chances of communicating go way up.

What is he defensive about? Consider that first. What actions of yours cause his defenses to come up? Think about that.

I will tell you one thing you should not do, and it is very subtle. You could imagine starting a conversation: "Honey, I do love you and I am sorry you are hurt BUT..." That "but", just erased the good start, but more importantly it will alert his defenses.

Most of us guys respond defensively when we here: "We need to talk." Wonder why? Most of the time that is the beginning of hearing all of the things that are wrong, and how it is our fault. Pretty much a cliche, but it is for real.

You need to plan your strategy so that your points are made, but are made in the context that YOU are NOT mad, you are on his side, and YOU NEED HIS HELP.

One way to address certain things is to talk about news items that touch on similar topics. It becomes a "third" party discussion where you two exchange ideas about this event. It allows you to share ideas without it becoming personal.

So please think about this, and plan well.

God Bless,

JL

Why is that so hard for you to do? We all need affirmation. Some of us are more starved for it than others. For many men, porn is how they get it when there wife cannot pony up with enough affirmation and he feels rejected.

When a man is rejected often enough, he typically internalizes his anger, his hurt, and his disappointment until such time when the rejection drives him to one of several reactions—none of them are good. Either he will give up on the relationship or sex with his wife, he will seek alternative sexual outlets such as pornography, or he might compromise his wedding vows by pursuing female affirmation elsewhere.

Ok...yeah I realize that mean need affirmation, some more than others. However, it starts to become really difficult when he says I "never" affirm him. Like I said before, he had this addiction before we were married. He has since thrown away his magazines, and videos. Now, he works so many hours that he can not get on the Internet because he is too tired. Now we are just need to work on our communication.

If I've learned anything in life it is that you have to look beyond behavior to motivations. While behavior is almost always motivated, it is also almost always biologically, culturally and situationally determined as well. But usually if you can tackle the motivation, the other determinants become moot.

And you do know "never" really never, ever means "never". I laugh when I hear my H use it. It's just hyperbole.

I come back with something like: "I NEVER cook you liver and onions? Not EVER? Not even once?"

A response to this might be: "You know what I mean."

"Well, not exactly. Could you explain better?"