The SAGA: WS had PA with underage girl in 1978 - 2 years after we were married. We reconciled.

WS had another PA with a different OW in 1985 - our son was age 2. After he found out that I had filed for legal separation - he said "I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks" - begged me for forgiveness and we reconciled again.

In April 2004 - I caught him in EA with the 1st but now MOW - which became PA 5 months later. He told me he was so ashamed and we reconciled. I then helped him through rehab for alcoholism and he is still sober.

On 11/14/06 - I caught him lying and in EA/possibly PA with same MOW for the 3rd time. He says he has been talking to her for about a year. He wants to work things out again. I feel like a fool and I feel I have given him more chances than he deserves. I can't do this again and am ready to move on with my life. Am I wrong?

Eliz

BS: 52
WS: 52
married: 30 yrs.
son: 23
daughter: 17
D-Day: 11/14/06 (3rd time with same MOW)

ELIZ,

It’s rare that I would recommend reconciliation with a pathological WS.

Your feelings here are NOT wrong and it is your choice completely if you want to work on this with your WS or not.

Nobody here should fault you if you hit the eject button with this man. I use the term “man” loosely here BTW. He has been nabbed with adultery in the past and keeps choosing the same path over and over again.

If it were me, and I were to even CONSIDER building any more of a future with my S, I would be convinced only upon their complete surrender to working a plan that was all about them recreating themselves in a much better and healthier way.

This would include MC, IC, alanon, or anything else that could be fit into a plan about their personal growth.

Some people are NOT changeable.

It’s your decision; but I can guess that when the pain of staying the M exceeds the pain of D’ing you will follow the latter path.

Best wishes,

No, you are not wrong. ELIZ, only you can decide if you want to live like this or not. Many people do decide to move on. For me, I would not be interested in staying in such an abusive marriage. You know you cannot change him but he can change himself if he truly tries and goes to great lengths to affair proof his marriage. He has never taken that opportunity while he had the chance in the past.

Even so, some marriages are simply not salvagable and the definition of success in those cases is divorce.

Here is what Dr.Harley says about serial affairs:

From Dr Harley's article Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment:


Quote:
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In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree.