I hope you can read eveything that is going on from the other post sites. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

jamead, welcome to MB. First go to the top of this forum and read the welcome to the preg/child board thread by sunnydale. Next click on the link in my signature line and read up on infidelity and Harley's concepts. I suggest getting and reading the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley or "Torn Assunder" by Dave Carder if you are a Christian. "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams is also good reading.

I read your other posts so let me summarize. Your H of 39 years had a 5 year LTA (long term affair) with a woman 30 years his junior. They have a 9 month old baby. DNA and CS have been established but visitation is court ordered at the OW's home. Is that correct? Have you seen actual paper work that states he can only have visitation in OW presence? If so, is this due to OC age?

If the above is true, your H needs to get himself a good attorney that will fight for his parental rights AND for the sake of your marriage he needs to go NC with the OW. OW mother or someone else can be the go between. Sometimes the wife does acts as the go between.

Now some q's about your marriage. How long has the A been "over"? How long have you known? What has your H done to help heal your wounds and work on healing your marriage? Do you have COM? I assume if you do that they are grown and gone. How do you feel about being step mom to an infant after all this time?

Keep posting. Read up on the concepts.

Hi,

thanks for talking to me.

to answer ?. Yes, I have a copy of both paternity and court papers. the child is under the age of 3. she has the right to say when and where. her mother told her she would cause ****** if she let the baby go home to our house because of me. she says I will hurt the baby. I have never hurt anyone in my life.

He has an attorney. But you have to keep on attorneys and he doesn't.

The affair was supposed to be over when he went to tell her the affair was over, 9 months before the baby was born. He says she tricked him into getting her pregnant. She says different. I don't believe either.

I found out on our 39 anniv. august this year. we got child support papers in the mail. My husband doesn't know what to do to heal the wounds. We have 4 grown kids. Great kids, but they have children and they worship their grandpa. They don't come around or call anymore. they are very dissapointed in what he did to break up the whole family and also that I have stopped the divorce twice since.

Didn't plan on being a stepmom. But nobody will give me the chance to try. He looks exactly like our other boys when they were that age.

PS, where do I find out what all the abbreviations mean. I am a newby.

thanks again.

for the abbreviations go to the just found out board. There is a thread at the top of that forum.

Ok, here is the thing. He CAN assert his parental rights and get visitation away from OW, just probably not overnights. Hon, we even have a FWH that posts here occassionally. He can tell you how manipulative the OW can be and she will do everything she can to have complete control over the OC. There is nothing to "protect" the OC from with you unless you have a record of criminal activity or abuse. Your H needs to get on the ball.

Get the books I suggested. If your H is like many men and won't read, Dr. Harley has some of his books on tape/CD to listen to.

Your children will follow your example eventually but do not try to protect your H from the consequences of his actions. Even though your kids are grown, they are hurt by his stupidity too.

For the record, not all but most OW do not "want" the wife around the OC. It busts up their fantasy of having your H and their OC as a family. She did not count on him staying married to you. My OW did everything she could to get ME to leave my H because she could not get HIM to leave me.

you sound like you have been down the same road.

I knew it was going to be very hard when I chose to stay but I did not realize what was going to be asked of me.

He is at the OW house now to see the OC and to bring him his Christmas gifts. I went out on my own any bought everything for the OC. He was grateful.

I asked if I could go with and he said it would be better for me if I didn't. I get very emotional about the whole thing. I think it is to emotionally charged for him to handle more than me.

Thanks for your help.

Please keep in touch.

jamead,

He has to start respecting you but first YOU have to respect yourself. Boundaries. What are YOU boundaries for your marriage?