Hello everybody,
This is TomFool reincarnated. Some of you may remember me as "the crazy guy buying a house with his WW". For a number of reasons, I will no longer be using the name TomFool. From now on, I am NotSleeping.
I just wanted to let people know who may have been following my story before how things are going now.
Basically, things are getting much better. When everyone said it would be a roller coaster after DDay, I really had no idea what I was in for. We certainly have a long, long way to go before we could be considered "recovered", but we are certainly taking what seems to me to be positive steps. All signs point to OM being out of the picture, so it's just us, trying to rebuild and recover what we should have had all along.
I feel like I owe my life to the Harleys and all of you in this community. The emotions and gut reactions one goes through on and after DDay are so visceral and counterproductive, that I don't think a marriage would have much of a shot at recovery without the support, guidance, and coaching of a community like this. Without some reassurance that you are doing the right thing by giving the M a chance, it would be all too tempting for both BS and WS to walk away from the pain.
Here's a summary of where me and my DW are at now (I hope this provides some hope to some new BS's out there):
Positive signs:
- Resumed affection. Hugs, kisses, non-sexual touches. I definitely initiate more than my DW, but she is very receptive.
- More time spent together, more conversation. I can't believe looking back how little time we spent together before. Now it seems obvious to me that nothing is more important than communicating with my DW.
- Resumed SF. And better SF I think, as I feel like I am rediscovering my beautiful wife.
- Agreement to work on M. We agree that we can't afford the Harley's phone counseling much longer, but my DW has agreed to read some books with me and work on the "5 Steps to Romantic Love" workbook with me.
- One ring is on. DW has put her diamond engagement ring back on. We have yet to put our wedding bands on. Since my ring is tainted (see the thread "My Confession"), this is something we will work towards.
- On the same team. This may seem small, but it made me feel great when I told my DW that I was concerned that she still wasn't on "my team". She confirmed without hesitation that she is.
- Family life. I notice our entire family life improving as my DW returns mentally and emotionally to the M.
- Improved honesty. I feel like we are being much more honest in communicating our thoughts and feelings.
- BUYING THE HOUSE! OK, you may all still think I'm crazy, but we are about to buy the same house we looked at before. I no longer have any doubt in my mind that this is right move for us. Yes, there is a chance that things could fall apart. Nothing is certain. But the house is a great new start for us, and I think it will help us start a new chapter in our lives.
Milestones we still need to reach over time:
- Saying "I love you"
- Having DW agree to work with me to handle any situation where contact with OM comes up as a possibility.
- Mutual trust. She needs to learn to trust that I won't have my own A and I need to trust that she will no longer hurt or deceive me.
- Rings. We need to reach a point where we both have our wedding bands on. This mainly hasn't happened because of the backstory of my ring. DW will need to buy me a new ring and put it on my finger herself. I would also like us to renew our vows in front of friends and family sometime in the future, especially since we eloped originally and never had such a ceremony.
- Analysis of the past year, and mutual understanding and agreement of what it all meant. I hope that this will come out of our reading the books and talking together.
That's it for now. I am very happy with our progress, and I am still excited that we can make something good out of all the pain. It may have all been the wake-up call that we needed to take our M to a new level.
Wish us luck!
NS
