I've met someone that I'm crazy about!!! He is kind, thoughtful, respectful just wonderful!!! Nothing like my X at all.

I want to be with him....in every way.

I've been here with MB for a couple years probably now. I did a VEEERRRYYY long plan A. My spouse has NPD and ADD he was abusive. I'm about to sign a LSA that is a prelude to our divorce. He is heavily committed to OW and she has already separated from her spouse for WS.

I wouldn't want him back anyway now. I couldn't...wouldn't.

I've been sad, angry, lonely, scared, happy, wishful...now I'm just feeling like I've been bumping along for a while...then this man drops in my lap (so to speak)...and I've always admired him from afar...very far....and I'm thinking...God must be at work here he is a dream. All I want to do is make this man happy...he makes me happy.

I've talked to some other men on line now for the last two months and it is NOTHING like this man AT ALL. He is feeling it to, I know it!

It is so difficult to not "be" with him until I sign this LSA that is dragging due to unforseen circumstances. God has already said I can leave my X...now I'm waiting for the law.

This man is the county elected District Attorney!!! He is such a gooood person. He does so much for other people. He says "pardon?" It is killing me to not be "with" him...the desire is so strong...it is hard to bare. So far I've been true to my word. He is amazing.

What do people do...when these agreements drag on and on...I'm frankly feeling a little ridiculous, old fashioned...It is inevitable that I'm divorcing...My X has been having an Affair for about 3 years, has lived out of the house for 4 months now (after sleeping in a separate room for a year)...and I've longed for love...and here it is...We're weeks from signing the agreement.

I'm human!

I know I'm looking for permission...I guess the question is...how will I feel about myself...since I've come this far. It's just when I'm with this guy...oh my gosh...I practically loose my head!

Please tell me he isn't the guy working on your case....please....

If you "must" be with this other guy now,why not file for a D? You sound head over heals in lust...and very vulnerable..

Cool. Is he single? Are you?


Cool. In what ways have you been with him already?


Well, there are enough red flags in this one quote to sail the Titanic, IMO.


Is he single?


More red flags.


Sigh. I think you are going to get very badly hurt. Recall your own words from just recently:


AGG

my advice would be to proceed very slowly. i don't know the story of your marriage very well but i know in mine, i was alone the last 3 years of it. he slept on the couch, we did NOTHING together, not even as a family. if we had to go somewhere for the kids we took separate cars, etc. so when he left (or i should say, when i told him to leave) it was really no different than when he was here because he was never here anyway!

what i am trying to say is, i see nothing wrong with dating or getting into a relationship when you are legally separated. i know many people here who stay legally separated forever is they never intend to remarry, or stay separated legally until they do remarry. it is honestly just cheaper that way. so, and i know others will disagree with me here, i do not see any problem with relationships and dating once legally separated.

however, i would say go very very slowly and only proceed if you are ready. if you want to jump into full gusto already... slow the heck down! there is no hurry, the world is not ending tomorrow (as far as i know anyway... )

now, i would be careful saying God sent him your way... wo! God might send a good friend your way, but a relationship man already? when you are very vulnerable and by the sounds of your post, very ready to jump in feet first? i would not say that was God... When in doubt, pray about it and place the whole sitch in God's hands. i honestly do that with everything in my life and then you cannot go wrong.

mlhb

And I say, let your conscience be your guide.
If you are asking, then there is something nagging at you inside.

I am one who got involved while separated. It's something that I'm still not proud of. I knew better, but I enjoyed someone making me feel attractive, wanted, and desirable.

The relationship was doomed after the 4 month mark. I don't believe it ever had a chance.

And just one tiny nosey question. At what point did you decide you couldn't/wouldn't want your h back? Was it before or after the mutual attraction?

K.

Ok, Ok, Ok

I'm in over my head.

No he is not representing me...though I thought I might have him look at my agreement for a final review before I sign it. He did matrimonal law for 15 years.

We haven't gone below the belt. A lot of kissing...and some hugging....hand holding...and he stares a me intensely...oh my gosh!...He looks at my hand while he touches it then looks back up at me....with a serious look.

He has been divorced for 6 years and is looking for that "someone"...he contacted me (not knowing it was me) through a dating site...so he is single...

am I single???...Technically...not as far as the state is concerned. I believe in all other ways I am.

I know...I can't MAKE him happy and he can't MAKE me happy.

I know "killing me" wasn't a good word choice. It screams of neediness...

He is also 9 years older than me...and he seems so sincere and he said he is lonely...he has dated quite a bit but nothing has worked out. He wants to be with someone for companionship. He is (50)...

Perhaps I'm in trouble. Yikes. I kept telling him I don't know if he is a player....he just said calmly "I know." He doesn't come across that way at all. Of course I could just be blind. I told him "I couldn't" and he said I was being "sensible."

well???...what do you think?

Well,at least it seems you are evaluating a bit of what's going on.You didn't come back with an immediate defense tactic.

Since you asked: one thing I will never agree on as long as I'm alive and here at MB: you should not be dating unless you are officially divorced and had time to heal.That is not much if an option right now (kissing,hand holding,hugging,etc) unless you end it.


I also wonder about those people who get involved with other's knowing they are in the midst of a painful and drawn out LS or D situation.It would never even cross my mind to be involved with someone at such a difficult time.But that's me.Did you happen to put that on your website profile? ugh

And you don't really know him yet.

I still think that you are too vulnerable and are likely to get hurt. It will really suck to be rejected all over again, so be careful. Is he dating others?

AGG

K.

It was before. I'm so much better without the brow beating and verbal abuse. I had basically been doing a Plan B to him and a Plan A for myself...well trying...to help me completely separate and get over him. It was hard and I cried really, really hard a few times...it felt awful, and I know I dealt with some depression. He had already left me a long time ago emotionally and I was just needing a few more 2x4's...which I got... and then some.

After T-day I cut my rings off...I hardly winced...I was ready...I did it alone...I almost had to fake sadness for I wasn't really feeling any...not elation either...just time.

It was around about that time I put my name on a couple of dating websites and got many responses. Yikes. Then I redid my profile with some help from my uncle who has met his last wife (who died) and his new girlfriend through the net. By being more specific about what I was looking for...I eliminated about 95% of all the guys emailing me. (The ones posing in their jeans in their front yard raking.) I generally started getting responses from men who were much more "my type." A lot fewer...but more like me.

Anyway. This guy is for real. I guess I will try my best to take it slow. The only reason I hesitate is that the state sees me as married...so I really don't want "be" with him until it's legally recognized by the state. Just seems kinda ironic.

I will pray on this and give it to God. Thank you for your advice. This could be real...and if I slow down it will become more obvious.

It feels good though. Someone says your intelligent, young, and so beautiful...and stares at you...and says "um" all night...it is so nice. I feel like a school girl.

Good advice everyone!

American Beauty,

I appreciate your frankness. I will ask him what he thinks about being involved with someone who is a drawn out separation...and isn't he risking a lot??? I drilled him with 100 questions.

He said he wasn't seeing anyone but had planned on going to a public event with a woman the next night she is a friend who keeps him company on these public events sometimes. He doesn't like going to the many public events he has to alone...it makes him feel a bit uncomfortable. He said he felt guilty now and needed to let me know that it had been planned for quite some time...I believe him. I think he is a sincere honest fellow.

I could file for Divorce soon after the LSA is signed.

Well...oh well. It could be real.

So far you don't mix Lust&Hormones with "Love"&"He'sTheOne", it could be even OK and might help you if you take it right way...


Who said so??

You don't know that yet.


You have to slow down if you want to figure out if it's real. It will take time to figure it out.


Not sure what that means, but doesn't sound consistent with going slow, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AGG

I am glad to read that. I think and I've seen, it becomes easier to not want the spouse back because there's someone there to cushion the fall. I'm not saying that you might change your mind and want him back, but instead, suggesting that you be emotionally prepared for something new.

Be careful.
K.

I can see by your words....that you know you are not single. What you are doing is against Gods plan....therefore...I would be frank....state that you need to put things on hold until the divorce is final. For you are a married woman!

Yes...we all are lonely after divorce. When that someone comes along and you feel giddy with newfound attention....your heart races and you become totally involved with the other person.

I found someone very special in my life....and we are taking it very slow. This someone did not come into my life until after the divorce and until 4 years after divorce. I dated a few men before...but I was not ready to try and have a relationship. You are so vulnerable after divorce and could get yourself into a mess. Especially when you were the recipient of your husband having an affair. Just to have someone at the grocery store tell you that you look beautiful...you get all flustered.

I would not continue dating. If you two wanted to talk once in awhile on the phone...that is okay. But for you to get on a dating site....that was wrong. You are not being honest with men out there looking for a relationship with a single woman. If you want to lead your life according to God...you know what you must do!

This man that I met...we have been dating for a little over a year. He had been divorced for 12 years, his wife was the one having an affair....and he never enjoyed the dating sites. He did the sites for a brief period of time....same with me. I just said Lord....if there is someone out there...you will allow our paths to cross.

When you were married for a long time (25 years for me) and then start dating...I had red flags go off. You are much wiser and think more deeply about your past and what you want in the future. You have assets to think about and you have your health to think about. For many men this age have had sexual relations....and I do not want to contact any STD. You have children, family to think about. You have your in-laws to think about. Your work gets involved....and your everyday life is more complex and therefore more to think about. This is not like when you were a teenager on your first date.

Sometimes...I wished there was a website for people who are divorced and to talk about dating...assets...and such. This would be very helpful for those who want to date...but are more wiser and want to protect themselves too.

Remember...you are single and you need to finish with the paperwork and resolved the divorce. If you want to leave this to God...I would pray and get on His path.

Blessings.

May I suggest you read the book "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher?

Dr. Fisher maps the path to recovery. He likens the road to a climb up the mountain. Some make it up. Some linger at the depths for a while before climbing. Other's never make it to the top or fully recover.

It's been quite helpfull tool for me in my own journey up the mountain.

Good luck.

HL

LWP36,
Hey!!! Slow down.
Like some of the rest above, I believe that you are married until you are divorced. You mentioned this being of God. I know you don't want someone preaching but.... until you are D you are legally married. I don't think God, who hates D, would bring a man into your life while you are still legally married.

And, even though you have settled in your mind and heart that your M is over, you still have some healing to do. Jumping right into a serious R would probably not be wise.

But............... it really sounds like you are infatuated and horny and you are probably not going to listen to reason. I say this b/c I've BTDT. I was D'd about 1.5 yrs when I met my second H and I fell head over heels. I was lonely, I thought God sent him, I was infatuated, he was charming and said and did all the right things.

Ended up being one of the biggest mistakes of my life and I've made some big ones.

Just be careful and guard your heart as much as you can. It it's real he'll be around. Just slow down. I know that's easier said than done. I haven't "been" w/my H (now XH for almost 2 months) in over a year (no one else either).

I get lonely but I don't want to make another mistake. I've got a lot of healing to do and some housekeeping regarding belongings and finances to take care of.

Anyway, take it slow. Be good to yourself. I see red flags too like you saying all you want to do is take care of him.

Be careful.

LWP,

You're getting, and I believe, taking in a lot of great advice...

What is T-day?

And you have you now signed the legal separation agreement?

This sent up red flags for me "He has been divorced for 6 years and is looking for that "someone"...he contacted me (not knowing it was me) through a dating site...so he is single..."

You say the state doesn't see you as single...do you believe God does? Do you see yourself as single?

A lot of what you wrote, if you will read it, could have been written by your STBXH's OW...think about it...she could have said all those things...

Which is me lovingly telling you, as the others are, to look at yourself from a different perspective...you Plan A'd and Plan B'd to save your marriage...to learn, grow and know...and so you'd come away, if you decided to divorce, with your head held high knowing you did all you could.

You wouldn't want to end up with an EA on the record, would you?

And what you said...that your WH is now with OW who is separated...is that okay for them? To me, it says their A continues...which is one shakey start to an honest relationship.

You want to have a brilliant beginning...so end this now, clear your head...learn where you still do not meet your own needs, love and honor yourself...and use what you experienced so far with this guy to know more about yourself and make great choices...more healing, no dating...gets in the way of healing...just ask any FWS.

LA