Recap then new question- long time boyfriend of 12+ yrs had PA for 6 months. Even though living together for 11 yrs. he agrees we had a committment "like a marriage" so not just me thinking it. DDay 11/26. Saw him at her house on 12/15 but says he is doing NC now- except for seeing each other in work.
We are going to start counseling together to figure out if what we had is worth saving. In the meantime, trying to Plan A and ask him to at least "be neutral" to me until we figure out what will happen.
CHRISTMAS- we usually go to his sister's before Christmas, then my father's on Christmas, then my mother's the next day. Big chaotic mayhem usually, but I have always been very close to my family.
I know nothing about this Christmas can be NORMAL. Part of me wants to stay home with him and not even visit family- but I'll have to go eventually. Part of me wants to go to his sister's. They know the whole story. My family doesn't. He says it will be too uncomfortable to go anywhere together. I get that we will both feel like people are scrutinizing us but figure we just need to say we are going to counselling and just trying to do the best we can in the meantime. Christmas has always meant alot to me. Seems like we should force ourselves to go through it together, it won't get easier if counselling helps us stay together.
Says he can't deal with seeing my family- maybe my father, but not my mother. That it will take years to rebuild that relationship- they had a good one, but he gets they need to protect me. That we need to accept that Christmas for us is cancelled and not try to make it 'normal'. I get it won't be normal, but to me it's worse to be separate for it. It's too emotional for me to go through knowing we can't even show up to a holiday together.
Advice?
blind_hope

He may be planning to see OW on Christmas. That is just the way they are. You can usually count on contact on Christmas and Valentines Day.

I get it. Still could be lying. But, let's imagine that he isn't and we show up on Christmas together. Any advice for dealing inwardly and outwardly with the imagined scrutiny or reactions?

I'm kind of going through the same thing. I've been married 6mo Sunday. Last monday i just found months of phone records of my WH talking to MOW. (They work together) I have told my family and his family what is going on. Of course everyone is upset about what has happened. Your family will be irate with him, but if you still love this guy and want to try to make it work then that is your decision and your family will stand by you. I was just talking to my mom last weekend and she is furious with my WH. I told her to quite talking bad about him b/c I still love him. As she explained- no parent wants to see their child hurt or used this way. But if we-the betrayed spouse choose to take them back, then they will accept and get along with our partner b/c we have choosen to be with them and as long as we are happy- our parents will be happy for us. (but I understand how you feel. I havent turned the x-mas lights on for a week and I just dont feel like having to show up and have everyone stare at me and ask questions- but it may help to be around ones that love us) Good luck!

I am so frustrated because he says he wants to go to counseling to see if what we had was worth saving but in the meantime he is doing nothing to try to recover- other than stop dating OW. What can I say to make him realize it is impt. for us to show up together- otherwise our separate lives are just continuing?