I am not even sure why I am posting except that the tears won't stop flowing tonight. Everything seemed to be going so well - H gave me a surprise birthday party this week; lots of affection and attention for a couple of weeks and then it all suddenly changes. At first I tried to ignore the snide and resentful remarks and then started to see a common theme. The theme being that I am the suspicious wife and he is the victim. Ironically this comes at a time when my focus was not at all on being suspicious and hasn't been for some time. My focus was positive, optomistic and hopeful and I hadn't said, thought or done anything along the lines of being suspicious and untrusting for quite some time. Just a couple examples of many hurtful remarks over the weekend were "I can't watch this movie it has a woman in it". "I can't talk about the job I want to take teaching law school because I'll be around all those young coeds". What I don't understand is I have done nothing lately to act like the suspicous wife (although I had good reason to in the past and stupidly didn't because I thought there was something immoral about my feelings something was going on). Suddenly its just like we are roommates. No more affection. Just normal talk and snide remarks. I asked him why he was doing this and he said "just leave me alone. I am tired of worrying about your feelings and worryig about what I say." Some of you may recall I've lost most of my hair since disclosure of H's affair and his starting divorce proceedings. (not relevant but ow's hair has grown long and thick since then - grrr!) Since then we've come a long way - long story. But in any event doctors have diagnosed cause of hair loss as severe emotional distress. Treatment includes among other stuff twice daily treatments that have to be done 4 hours before bedtime, 4 hours before swimming shower etc so its a real pain in the [censored] not to mention a constant reminder of the pain of betrayal. Tonight H said as I was doing the treatment thing "are you coming to bed" I said "I can't for three or four hours". He said "Good. I'll have the bed all to myself". I lost it and gave him the finger and said "!@#$ you." I'm beginning to believe he is either really sick and abusive - every time things start to get really good with us this happens - OR he really does want out. I'm even finding myself worrying tonight he is having personal contact with the ow again - they work together and that is unlikely to change.<BR>I just don't know anymore and don't know if I can take the ups and downs much longer. Its been nine months since he started divorce proceedings (since dismissed) and about seven since disclosure of his year long affair - when I see how long so many of you hang in there I feel like a whimp wanting to call it quits. I just don't know how you do it.<BR>H just walked in and said "sorry if I said something to offend you - you'll have a whole hour at the therapist tomorrow to yell at me" and went back to bed. Well, I do plan on letting him know how hurtful and confusing his behavior is. Meanwhile I'll just hang out here, finish the wine from dinner and feel sorry for myself. But if any of you have any insight into this kind of behavior I'd love to hear what you think. Thanks for listening.

He definitely has a bee in his bonnet, doesn't he? All I know for sure is it is terribly difficult to talk to some one who has negative emotions controlling their talk like that. I don't know what to do. It probably won't be that easy to find out what it is that's bothering him until he calms down a bit.<P>"Letting him know how hurtful he is being" at the counselor seems like a good idea. It'll be a great way to get him when he can't really respond, because counselors are normally not physiologists and they just jump all over anything that appears like poor communication. Communication is what they do. Also, he won't really feel free to address the issue because he has to apologize and save face over the comments. But why he is acting like that will remain unresolved.<P>I wonder if maybe these comments point to some sort of trouble he is having coping with guilt, or maybe he feels he has done his penance and you are still mad at him, or something like that. I'm not saying he is right, but there are always two sides to every story. Is there anything you are doing, even in a passive-aggressive way, that may be designed (even accidentally) to remind him how angry (or hurt or abused or whatever it is you feel) you are? Is there any "guilting" affecting your ability to have a functional relationship? Just guesses.<P>One piece of advice I do have is this:<P>There are only two types of things in life: those we can control, and those we cannot. What ever problems and challenges we face in life, there is only one way to make things better, and that is to affect the things we can change.<P>In this issue, I would suggest trying to "impress upon him" how his behavior is making you feel is necessary, but it's going to be up to him to change it. There may be something you are doing which will be within your control to change as well. It's only fair you find out what that is.<P>Maybe with the counselor try: "I've felt hurt by some of the things you have said to me lately. I am wondering if you are upset with me. Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to feel like this."<BR>

Simone,<P>His back-and-forth behavior indicate depression. Is he being treated for depression? If not, he should be evaluated.<P>And you also need to learn new behaviors, because some of your actions indicate that you ARE the SUSPICIOUS WIFE and he is a victim. And you're reacting just the way he's expecting you too. So stop---don't do it (hee hee hee, that'll fix him )<P>If he says he can't watch a movie because there are women in it, respond by asking him if he'd like to make a movie with you (leer inserted here). Put him off-balance by responding to potentially inflammatory statements in a loving way. Not by throwing your middle finger at him and telling him FU.

Simone,<P>Maybe he is feeling guilty, but feeling guilty is making him feel weak, so he turns it into anger and projects it unto you like you are making him feel guilty.<P>I think my H always thought his affair was wrong and wish it hadn't happened, but it was several months before I think he really felt guilt and remorse as an actual emotion rather than a thought. So maybe your H is feeling things more deeply than he has been.<P>Maybe he is having a problem at work that he is not sharing. Maybe the OW is a problem, not that he is necessarily doing anything inappropriate, but there is something going on that is bothering him that he feels he can not share with you because of the stress you are already under.<P>Maybe he is just weary....sick of it all...even though he created his own problem.<P>It sounds like your recovery as well as most has its highs and lows. Is this low different or worse?<P>If he was posting here, what would be your best guess of what he would write?<P>Do you think he may think he is trying his hardest and it is still not good enough in your eyes? <P>For a long time I secretly felt that the only thing that would be "good enough" for me is if he would have never did what he did. I finally got it through my head that neither of us could change the past and I had to change my thinking. It was hard. It still is.<P>Simone, try reading my Grief thread, it is not directly applicable, but it may be thought provoking for you today.<P>One question, does he go to seperate therapy and couples counseling? Is it the same person? If it is not, does he recieve mixed messages on how to go about recovery and it is basically frying his brain?<P>Hope the sticking point is identified and you can continue to move forward.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13