Hello Everyone...

I am new here. I have been having this problem off and on for awhile now. I have read the other posts concerning porn and I wanted to make my own thread about this.

This is what I would like to say..

Me and my husband have been married almost 4 years. He knows how I feel about internet porn especially teen porn (legal) 18-19 year olds. We have talked about this alot. He even said that he was sorry and would never do it again. I explained how it makes me feel. (inadequate, no good, ugly, etc etc..) Well, he hasn't looked at it for MONTHS...until just recently. Its hard to describe the feeling when you see WHAT hes been looking at. My heart drops. WHY does he look at it even though he knows how it makes me feel? He does it when i'm not home. He rarely ever kisses me or even tells me he wants me. He seems to take advantage of me a lot, having me do things he doesn't want too. (not sexually) We RARELY have sex, i'm giving him attention all the time, it just feels like he doesn't want it from me. He says he loves me, but yet he rarely shows it.I feel like when he looks at porn, that he wants someone younger and prettier. I'm working out and loosing weight, I have diabetes. We are both 37 years old.He has 2 step-kids. Hes never been married. Why does he stop for awhile, then all of a sudden go right back into porn? I don't understand. Am I not giving him what he needs? I practically do everything for this man and show him all the love in the world but somehow I feel he may not be satisfied. I'm really worried about this. Any advice? especially from a guy's point of view? I really need some help. Thanks very much

Joanie

Who thinks looking at porn is like cheating? single choice

yes, it's cheating (75%, 3 Votes)

No, it's no big deal (25%, 1 Votes)

Total Votes: 4 Voting on this poll ends: 12/23/06 11:00 AM

If you have been reading on this site, surely you know by now that his porn addiction is NOT ABOUT YOU. He has an addiction. That's why he keeps coming back to it. The addiction probably started long before you even met him.

This type of addiction is very difficult to overcome but it can be done. Importantly, your husband has to do it. You have no control over his addiction at all.

There are many sites devoted to helping men with this. But he needs to find them and do the necessary work to overcome this. You can't set him up- he needs to do it.

The truth is that he DOES love you. This has nothing to do with you, how you look, or how you treat him.

But obviously his addiction is affecting you, and you are perhaps losing some self esteem as well as worrying about the state of your marriage.

The healthiest thing for you to do is to set a boundary. You have already told him how porn makes you feel. He does care about that, and has tried to stop. But he needs help to do it completely. He needs to know that your marriage is at stake. If he doesn't get help, he may lose you. Does he know this? If not, tell him. And be prepared to let him feel the natural consequences of his behavior.

Good luck and keep us posted-
~Saturn

Well, I have told him everything, there are times when I see it and then I get toungue tied and don't know how to confront him the right way. He KNOWS how this affects me but obviously he has no respect for me. He does it, I confront him, he stops for AWHILE, then he goes at it again behind my back. It is taken an emotional toll on me, like I said, he doesnt come to me if he needs any sort of attention. I wish he would. I just feel like all he really does is take advantage of me. I don't feel like a wife. Sigh..I appreciate you answering Saturn, I really need all the help I can get.

Joanie

Joanie, did you read my post? His addict behavior does not reflect his feelings for you. He DOES respect you. He DOES love you. The fact that he actually tries to stop, and is successful even for a little while, demonstrates that you mean very much to him. He is addicted and needs professional help. Willpower is not enough.

Here is a site that may help you:
http://www.firesofdarkness.com/

If that one isn't helpful, there are many others. Look around and find support for YOU while your husband takes responsibility for his recovery.

Good Luck-
~Saturn

Saturn, thank you again for your reply...I understand what you are saying, but if that was me looking at guy porn, and it bothered him, i'd stop in a heartbeat. There are other issues, like taking advantage of me, he calls me ****** and lazy (sorry for that word) How can I be lazy? I do EVERYTHING!! I have talked to him about this. He then says, do you work? Heck, I take care of him, my kids, bills, shopping, house everything. How can I make him understand that ALL I need is a little support from him?? I have told him this but nothing wants to sink in. Is there a problem i'm not aware of? Thank you for that site.:) I'm just very confused. I wish he would open up to me.

Joanie

There is another thing I want to mention to you. His attitude towards me. That is a big problem. he rarely kisses me, he wont do anything for me, I don't EXPECT anything and maybe thats a problem for me, but I'm not selfish. I take care of everyone but me.IF I was getting what I was needing and he still looked at porn, thats one thing, but...he doesn't even act like hes part of the marriage, there has to be an underlying problem within himself.it's a derivative OF something else... an extension of something else....he just won't communicate with me. I don't know how to communicate with him sometimes. This is a difficult situation for me.:(

Joanie

My husband has an addiction to porn that hopefully he will work through. It is cheating. Any time something arouses your body other than your body, I mean even a thought, is considered to be cheating. I know that porn is never about the spouse it soley about his addiction. It's an unfortunate reality that he may never get over his addiction until he hits rock bottom. I understand how you feel, and I have only been married 6 months and my husband's porn addiction has driven us into many arguements. He must realize that if he really wants this marriage then he will have to beat this addiction. Most men have this addiction and it usually starts early.

SWEEPING GENERALIZATION ALERT!

Thank you for your reply.:) Yes he started early too. He stopped for awhile but then started up again recently. Maybe porn addiction affects wives differently in many ways. But, we have other issues other than porn if you had read what i put up there. Its hard. I love him so much but he doesnt want to see whats going on. I can't make him understand my feelings. I can talk to him till I'm blue in the face. Is there any other way to get through to him?

Joanie

Joanie,

I'm sorry you're going through this. This is tough stuff.

Please keep in mind that not all men who use and/or abuse porn are necessarily addicted. But the fact that your husband avoids affection/sex with you... AND shows such blatant disrespect for you... AND continues to use porn... is a pretty troubling combination.

If you think you're dealing with a true addiction, can you find a support group in your area for the partners of SA (sex addicts)? That should be your first step because you won't be able to address any of the other issues in your marriage untill the addiction is addressed. And dealing with a spouse who's a sex addict of any kind is tricky business. You'll find that some of the most constructive things you can do are counter-intuitive.

The most important thing to keep in mind is something you yourself wrote: "there has to be an underlying problem within himself." BINGO JOANIE!! Addictions, of all kinds, are about covering-up and medicating underlying problems. Sexual addictions aren't really about sex... so much as they are about a core set of destructive beliefs within the sex addict. (A good book on the subject: "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes). This should also help you to remember that this is not about YOU!!!

But... If you think it's probably NOT an addiction... and more about your run-of-the-mill laziness and selfishness... do you think you could get him to go to MC (marriage counseling)?

Hugs & Kisses,
--SC