As you may know from my other post- I have been married 20 yrs and found out 3 wks ago that my H has been in another long affair with a coworker.As soon as I found out I filed for D. His last affair was 5 yrs ago. After his first affair we went to MC, a marriage seminar and WH looked for a new job so we could move away from the constant triggers that reminded me of his affair. At the root of our marital problems-- WH is a perfectionist and a conflict avoider who also stuffs his feelings for a long, long time then blows up over small things that irritate him. He often blames me for things that go wrong whether I am responsible for them or not. Needless to say our communication is strained when it comes to issues that upset our marriage. For my part I have tried too hard to FIX WH- I've read every marriage help book, tried to get him to spend time with me as a couple without the kids, plan a wkend away together etc. All of these plans I have tried WH has refused to do with me.Of course I realize full well that I have faults too. I hate to argue and I avoid confrontation- I'm a pleaser type of person. I also have in my head a strong craving for a traditional marriage and family life- it represents security and stability to me. I am so pro-marriage I can't believe my marriage is ending- even though I see that it is. I often feel like a personal failure that I just can't get my marriage to work. Have any of you felt like this? Am I being too hard on myself? I realize WH is unlikely to ever change significantly. I see that yet I still can't face the idea that our marriage has irretrievably broken down.

Yes,this was me too to some extent.My parents are D'd and so I wanted to break that cycle of D in my family and have the stability and security of a loving,happy,together family.I lost mine too through no fault of my own,however.It was a very big pill to swallow,that I had no control over the marriage ending.It takes two to make it work and it was failing big time since my now ex refused to do anything but secure his own selfish needs and desires.He no longer had a "family" bone left in his body,not in the way we had dreamed of and said vows to one another about,etc.


Also,having to endure yet another A is just plain awful.Spouses who repeatedly cheat have some serious internal issues to reconcile.I personally would not stay married to a man like that.Many people have some type of baggage to deal with but cheating on your spouse is a particularly hurtful and inappropriate way to handle problems.

Just like you mentioned,you cannot FIX anyone else.That is their own job.At some point,you will come to an understanding.An acceptance.We all do.So if you are hard on yourself now,it's ok but in time you will probably come to see that you did all that you could and that was the best thing.

Oh, yes. I felt like I failed. I think that’s why I stuck it out so long even when it was obvious B wasn’t going to make any of the changes necessary for me to remain married to him. I knew if I tried hard enough…. And when it didn’t work, I refused to admit I didn’t have control over the situation. I couldn’t single-handedly make our marriage happy and successful. I couldn’t control that. I felt like I failed and I was powerless. I felt ashamed of making such a horrible mistake as marrying the man in the first place. I felt like I failed my children.

Now, 3.5 years later, I’m content. I look back at my decision to move out and divorce as a HUGE success. It was me taking a stand and saying “Hey, I will not allow someone to treat me like that!” “I won’t be miserable for the rest of my life.” That was really good.

Divorcing my H gave me the self-confidence to change careers and my relationship with my father. I have a sense of security now from knowing I can survive. I can survive the death of a marriage. I can survive alone. I can create a home for my children even if their father isn’t in it. I can put food on the table, etc. And I feel safe in my home. I didn’t feel safe when I was married.

I felt and still feel the same, as I also lost my job shortly after, and it took me three years to get a job of equal
pay, and lost almost all my money. I finally have paid off my VISA card, but need a new car, and owe parents $4,000
and I need to find a new apartment to live in, which i can barely afford. . .

DD14 and I had a very big miscommunication and lots of hurt feelings and tears, and the pattern that I responded
to angrily was when DD started saying the same words as X, woe is me, and not taking responsibility for her actions.
My life goal is to counter act behavioral habits that the X is allowing, lack of personal responsibility, etc.

Although GG feels better, because I earn 6 figures, and can barely afford an apartment and new car AFTER
CS payments to someone who wants the money, found lawyers to get more out of me, and said this weekend that
one reason that she divorced me was that she said "I'm sorry" too much. . . ridiculous,
however, as long as she has someone to blame for everything while getting $20K a year, she is very happy.

it will get better in time, but will never go away, why? because we are responsible people, well intentioned
people, and understand what success means. . .

currently, I am sorry that i ever met my X, and i always hope the next time i see her is at my funeral.

good luck. . .

wiftty

Surely, Wiftty, you hope the next time you see her is at HER funeral.

you missed the irony of the comment. . . . i won't be able to see her even when i am dead if she comes