I found this article interesting and very true in regards to those who try and escape reality through romance. I firmly believe this is the one type of A that causes women and men to walk away from all that they once loved to pursue something that is fleeting and ultimately not a cure for what ails them only to find out too late that the bus they really wanted to be on has left the station. Sad, IMO.


by Bob Huizenga
Romance is Overrated - Get Over It and Move Beyond It!
Almost daily I encounter those entangled in a kind of extramarital affair I describe as "I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love."

The cheating or "offending" spouse has encountered someone where there are "sparks!"

Here are common phrases: (to the spouse) "I love you but am not 'in love' with you. The romance in our marriage is gone. I found someone who really loves me." (self thoughts) "I don't want to settle. I have a lot of love to give. He/she treats me like no one else. I feel special with the other person."

The "offended spouse" often responds with increased or new romantic gestures. They fall flat.

At the core of this kind of affair is a deeply engrained belief that "romance" is the savior and benchmark of a great marriage or intimate relationship.

Here are some reflections on romance:

1. "Romance" is subtly touted in our culture (USA) as the ultimate experience in an intimate relationship. Romance is idealized in movies and books as the ecstasy of being "in love." We can't get enough (hugely profitable grocery counter tabloids) of which "stars" are currently "in love" with whom. And, it often does not matter (really) if the are married. Oh gosh, to be like that, to experience that. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

2. Romantic movies are often called "romantic comedies." Ever wonder why they are so funny or why they should be? Or, at the other end, romantic movies are tragedies (Romeo and Juliet). How about the smaltzie "Bridges of Madison County" where the woman and man (Clint Eastwood) never get at the huge "emptiness" in their lives? Ever see a "real" romantic movie?

3. The search for romance whether through an affair or within our marriage often belies powerful personal needs. It has little to do with love and more to do with getting our personal needs met. Most of us have strong needs such as to be acknowledged, adored, cared for or perhaps cherished. Another powerful need is to feel "special." This is often the pattern for a man overindulged by his mother (forgive me for bringing in Freud) or a woman who was the "apple of her father's eye," yet was emotionally deprived in that relationship.

Romance becomes the vehicle through which these needs are supposedly met without needing to name those needs or talk about them. (Gosh, he/she knows what I want before I do - he/she can read my mind. He/she/we are special!)

Don't get me wrong. Personal needs are ok. We all have them. Personal needs drive, often powerfully, what we go after. But, and this is a huge but, if we do not consciously name them and get them met once and for all (and that can be done!) they continue to drive us and we live perpetually in frustration, always wanting more.

Once we move beyond the merry-go-round of personal need meeting we discover our personal passion, our purpose and reach down and touch the essence of real joy and peace.

4. Romance is for mating. Sex (sexual union) is often the bottom line. The "chemistry" described in "romantic love" we are finding, is truly that - raw chemistry. Studies now show (just read this last week) that those "in love" have a high concentration of specific dorphins (chemicals) in their bodies. These are the chemicals found when animals are in "heat."

I also believe that we run into 2-3 people in our life-time where we experience this "chemistry." I have no idea why this happens. There appears to be some attraction, based on a huge number of factors that stir our juices - literally. Interesting. But, doesn't mean that I must jump into bed with this person. Maybe some animals do, however.

5. A person seeking romance is often someone looking for a high. They want to feel good. They expect they should feel good. They believe they should jump on something that feels good. They want the pill, the drug, the retreat, the experience that will take away their pain, their emptiness, their loneliness and make them feel good. Of course, it is only temporary. The nagging pain continually emerges and their eternal search for quelling the storm within seeks a new substance.

So, should I forget the cards, the notes, the special events I plan secretly for him/her, the I love yous and be cold, frigid and distant?

Of course not. Please understand the temporary place of "romance" and the fact that your relationship longs for moments, days, weeks and years in which you declare your self more and more fully and welcome (sometimes with trepidation) the declarations of the other and together explore the depths of acceptance and heightened awareness (love) that moves beyond romance and knows no end.

Dr. Harley says that once a couple falls out of love they are vulnerable to an affair. He believes, advocates, and TEACHES that even long term marriage partners can have romance and can be in love if they meet each others needs.

The author of the article almost gets this to a small degree but does not understand how to put it into action, as does Dr Harley:


He then goes onto proclaim that romance is only "temporary," which is a pretty common belief and would also explain why many marriages don't make it:


Dr. Harley does not believe it is TEMPORARY at all. And neither do I. I have found in my marriage that the romance is actually GREATER as the years go by because the "depths of acceptance" and understanding in my marriage increased by learning to meet my H's needs. That depth ENHANCES the romance, rather than erodes it.

A good book of Harley's that goes into this is Fall in Love, Stay in Love.

Romantic Love: Is it a Realistic Goal for Marriage Therapy?

Jennifer H. Chalmers, Ph.D.


I recently attended a training conference for psychotherapists that showcased several experts in the field of marital therapy. The purpose of the conference was to educate therapists.

Yet when it came to determining the goal of marital therapy, NO ONE suggested that restoring the feeling of love should be the goal. In fact a prominent scholar and expert on "sex, love, and relationships" boldly said, "Anyone who says that romantic love can last is giving you B*** S***." He probably lost the feeling of love in his own marriage and didn't know how to restore it. But then he had the audacity to claim that no one knew how to do it.

This "expert" was not alone with his viewpoint. The topic of creating and sustaining the feeling of love was never discussed in any of the marriage-related workshops that I attended. They talked about conflict resolution, improving communication and listening skills, understanding each other's themes and beliefs, understanding our choices in how we behave, and changing our irrational beliefs about the other. But these issues were not intended to help couples create the feeling of love. According to these scholars, that goal was impossible to achieve.

Several times I felt like shouting out to the thousands of fellow therapists, "The feeling of love is not only something that can be created, but it's essential to every marriage. I help couples restore their love for each other every week. And so do countless others who use Dr. Harley's 'Four Rules for a Successful Marriage' when counseling."

I ended the five-day conference feeling energized. Although these educators and experts did not know how to create feelings of love in marriage, I use a plan that has taken couples from feelings of hate, discontentment, unhappiness, and incompatibility to feelings of love, contentment, happiness, and compatibility.

Do you know how to create the feeling of love in your marriage? If you don't, I urge you to read all of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, especially his "Four Rules for a Successful Marriage."

Don't let anyone tell you that the feeling of love is unobtainable or unsustainable. It can be created even after years of neglect. It is an achievable goal. And I speak for thousands!




http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8118_real.html

The Four Rules
for a Successful Marriage

The Rule of Care | The Rule of Protection | The Rule of Honesty
The Rule of Time
Couples usually ask for my advice when they are just about ready to throw in the towel. Their Love Banks have been losing >love units so long that they are now deeply in the red. And their negative Love Bank accounts make them feel very uncomfortable just being in the same room with each other. They cannot imagine surviving marriage for another year, let alone ever being in love again.

But that is my goal for them -- to be in love again -- which means they must re-deposit all of the love units that were withdrawn. When that's accomplished, the love they feel for each other ends the threat of divorce. But in order to deposit enough love units to fall in love with each other, they must follow rules that they don't feel like following.

The feeling of love brings out the Giver in each of us, and the Giver's instincts make marriages great. We feel like meeting the emotional needs of the one we love; we feel like protecting that person from our Love Busters; we feel like giving our undivided attention, and we feel like being open and honest. But when we are not in love, and our Taker calls the shots, we don't feel like doing any of those things. In fact, we feel like doing the opposite. That's why so many marriages become so painful when love is lost. It's because all of the ways that they used to care for each other are a faint memory when there is no love to inspire them. The love and care once shown is replaced by neglect and thoughtlessness. Who would want to be married under those conditions?

The Giver's instincts deposit love units, but the Taker's instincts withdraw them. When you are in love, the Giver keeps a marriage passionate. But even under ideal conditions love can be lost momentarily, and when that happens the Taker can do things to ruin any hope of love returning.

con'd at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html

Mel,

for what it's worth, I am with you. I too believe that "heathy romance" can be sustained in a M. I think what this author was trying to say, albeit not as well as Dr. Harley perhaps, is that there can be an unhealthy romance, one that identifies with jet setting around the country, clandistine meetings, fantasy, unrealistic expectations and a desire to escape reality (kids, bills, family, time constraints, work, etc) This unhealthy romance IMO leads people often times to engage in A's. Their A is where they can be the person they really wished they were, where they are free to lie and make themselves into whomever they want to the OP to think they are.

They can't do this within a long term M or R because too much is known about them and reality is while romance is attainable it requires work. See the A doesn't require planning around children's schedules, sickness, work, caregiving for parents, and on and on. The A provides a place where I don't have any responsibilites and no one save my A partner expects anything of me and we are totally one another's for this period of time. Nothing and no one else matters, not even the children.

I do believe that there is a healthy romance in M that contains flowers, unplanned trips to exotic locations, special moments, SF, trips to the lingerie store, Godvia chocolate, fireplace and wine and so on.....but I believe it happens within the context and understanding that this is PART of M and not the end all of a great and SUSTAINABLE relationship.

I dare say we are not far apart on this?

Oh, absolutely agree, h&p! Romances based on fraud and deceit are doomed to failure. I think the belief that romance can't be sustained in a healthy marriage contributes to the conditions that lead to affairs. If folks would learn how to stay in love in their marriage, maybe there would be LESS affairs? I think that is what the author doesn't understand. He believes that ALL romance is temporary, even the healthy romance in a marriage.

Romance doesn't have to mean elaborate efforts...like the examples you've shown.

Romance can be something as simple as this: When a man kisses his wife goodbye before going to work, he can very sweetly look at her and say, "Sometimes, it just amazes me how beautiful you are!" Then, give her a really sweet and tender kiss before heading for work.

Or, maybe take note of what kind of bath products she favors. For instance, I LOVE nice long baths. I don't often take bubble baths due to the bubbles not being good for the whirlpool motor, but I DO like to use bath oil products. A really nice and romantic little gift for me would be some bath oil beads and maybe a good-smelling candle, plus the offer to take the kids for ice cream so I could enjoy a nice bath without distractions.

One time, my H went duck hunting, and the ducks weren't flying. I love to do arts & crafts, and he noticed some grapevines nearby. He spent his time in the duck blind making me a grapevine wreath. I TREASURE that wreath and will always keep it. In fact, it's hanging over my den fireplace right now. It was the fact that he thought of me and made that wreath for me with his own two hands that I find to be so romantic.

It's not really all that hard to be romantic. And, one more thing...I see a lot of guys on MB (not just GQ) who complain about not "getting SF". Well, when SF comes down to just the guy "getting" it, that is a big turnoff for a woman.

And, BTW, my H is really not into being "romantic". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> The thing with the wreath was not even an attempt on his part to be romantic...and that may have been what actually made it romantic, KWIM?

Agree LC, see I am a romantic, a giver by nature. I like doing and participating in romance. This includes the small but meaningful things you mentioned all the way throug the elaborate items I mentioned.

The thing I was getting at is that so many people, men and women alike, think that because they aren't being swept off their feet with something new and exciting everyday within the confines of a long term M leads to unrealistic expectations about romance and often leads these same people to engage in A's that they THINK offers what they are looking for. It does for a time but unfortunately "old reality" kicks in and time together becomes harder to come by, mortgages and bills take the place of 5* dinners and hotels, kids soccer practive, ballet, school take the place of secret meetings at a small cottage on a rainy afternoon, and so on and these same people are back wondering where the romance went just like they were in the M before the A. So, in a lot of cases, they begin the cycle again and look for the next A partner to meet this need to be in love.....

H&P, the trick is to work these little things in between all the family stuff.

Romance is basically letting your partner know that you are thinking loving thoughts about them and showing them with those small gestures. What did making that wreath for me cost my H? Nothing but a little time...which was being spent in a duck blind, waiting for ducks that never flew over. The payoff? Well, let's just say that he had a very pleased, touched, and receptive wife when he got home that night! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />