Finding Perfect Men!

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"


Dating Advice Thoughts!

"Ladies, never marry a guy soley for his money cozzzz it's cheaper to borrow from the bank!"

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Sooooo it's the "sixth floor" where their handing out the free TV's and interest free loans!!!

Thanks for the directions!!! Whooo Hoo!

Brillantly hilarious!!!

LOL!!!

Happy Holidays!!!

Good one, bitbucket <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hey guys not sooo fast.... catch this!


Switching Roles


Sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, a man wanted her to see what he went through, so he prayed:

"Dear Lord,
Every day I go to work and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home. I would like her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."


God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.


The following morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He got out of bed, cooked breakfast for his wife, woke the children up, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, stopped at the bank to make a deposit, did the grocery shopping, then drove home to put the groceries away, pay bills, and balance the checkbook. In all, he did about a million errands throughout the day.

By 9PM, he was exhausted. Although his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was asked to make love. As worn out as he was, he obliged and got through it without complaining.

When he awoke the next morning, he immediately knelt by the bed and prayed:

"Lord,
I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please, please, let us trade back. Amen."


The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied:

"My son,
I see you have learned your lesson. You will have to wait nine months, though. Last night, you got pregnant."

Hmmm. No comments hey?


Here's a glimmer of what really goes on at the so called husband store! Buyer Beware!


A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.

But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" says her husband. The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.

The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn’t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don’t even play tennis, but if you like it then let’s get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cashier."

The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife’s face goes blank. "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

The Perfect Husband Joke!

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... And I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to???"

Wrong Book for Husbands!

A man had just finished reading the book Man of the House
while riding the commuter train home from work.

When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked
directly up to his wife.

Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!

You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife pensively sized up the moment and responded, "The funeral director is my guess & walked away!"

" The Right Book!"

Guy says to his friend my girlfriend wants to me read a new best seller book?

"Women are from Venus and Men are Wrong!

" Mzzz-Communication!"

A Guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he says after regaining his senses.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.

She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes to, he says, "What the heck was that for?"

"Your horse phoned."

I am looking for a newer perfume to overpower men. Karake just doesn't cut it. By Phyllis Diller.

" Dah Love Bank!"

Relationships are two-way streets, for women/men.
Here's the suppossed male point system "submit" guide for balanced budgeted minded women.

Not sure what one points actually incur at the end. Maybe hot bedsheets with a ultra high thread counts, or hot flashes, deluxe plush set of towels or free turkeys. Looks labor intensive all the same.

Consider the cost and is the relationship worth it? I dunnno ladies...get out those calculators. Adding up the scores...Hummmm.

Simple Duties
=============
Don't whine about the bed being made...............................+1
Don't whine about the toilet seat being up.........................+5
Using tissue when the toilet-paper roll is empty...................+2
Remembering to buy pantyliners when you're shopping................+5
Returning with 20 frivolous items..................................-5
Returning with Cosmopolitain......................................-10
And tabloids......................................................-15
Filling out the quiz..............................................-20
Asking him to fill out the quiz...................................-30
Ask him if the women in Cosmo are attractive......................-40
Hogging the covers................................................-20
Social Engagements
==================
You stay by his side the entire party...............................0
You hang on his arm the entire party..............................+10
You let another woman hang on his other arm.......................+20
You stay by his side for a while, then leave to chat with a friend.-2
Named Antonio......................................................-4
Antonio is a model.................................................-6
Antonio is a stripper..............................................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at him
lovingly...........................................................+1
When mingling, you don't get jealous if he hugs another female.....+5
Or kisses her on the cheek........................................+10
Or pecks her on the lips..........................................+20
When another man looks at you and you kiss your mate to show the
other man that you're taken.......................................+30
When another man looks at you and you wink and wave...............-20
And walk away from your mate......................................-30
And act like you don't know him...................................-75
When mingling, you introduce him as "my old man" and rub
his baldspot......................................................-25
When you point toward a hot-looking woman and ask him if he
thinks she is attractive..........................................-10
When you get angry if he says yes.................................-20
When you realize that he only noticed her because you pointed
her out............................................................+5
You have one drink, and that's it...................................0
You have more than a few, and get loud.............................-5
And start dancing.................................................-10
On the table......................................................-30
You have more than a few, and accuse other women of looking
at him............................................................-15
You have a lot of drinks, and pick fights with men saying
"My husband can kick your butt!"..................................-60
You point out another woman's cleavage..............................0
And get mad at him for looking....................................-20
Saturday Afternoon
==================
You go to the mall together........................................-5
You go to the mall and walk through the computer, electronics, & tool
sections..........................................................+10
You go to the mall and drag him through the lingerie department...-10
You spend the day shopping for furniture...........................-2
You buy new furniture..............................................-5
And return it the next day........................................-20
Then go buy more..................................................-50
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk..............+3
Most of it items reserved for you.................................-10
Items that you'll never use.......................................-20
You visit his parents...............................................0
You visit his parents and actually make conversation...............+3
You visit his parents and sulk because you hate them..............-10
You spend the afternoon watching cable shopping channels...........-6
You buy things....................................................-15
On his credit card................................................-30
His Birthday
====================
You take him out to dinner..........................................0
You take him out to dinner at a nice restaurant....................+5
You take him to Denny's for a free meal...........................-10
You take him to a French restaurant...............................-20
You give him a gift.................................................0
You give him a gift and it's a tie................................-10
You give him a gift and it's not a tie.............................+2
You give him a gift and it's underwear............................-20
Tighty-whities....................................................-50
You give him a gift that he'll actually use.......................+20
It's a tool.......................................................+30
A power tool......................................................+50
You wait until the last minute and buy him a gift that day........-10
With his credit card..............................................-30
And whatever you bought is actually for you.......................-40
Thoughtfulness
==============
You forget his birthday completely................................-20
You forget your anniversary.......................................-30
A Night Out With The Girls
==========================
Go out with a girlfriend...........................................-5
Go out with a male friend.........................................-30
You go to Danny's (male strippers)................................-40
You go to a bachelorette party.....................................-5
With Antonio, the vampire-seduction stripper......................-20
And you've got his business card..................................-40
And his jock-strap................................................-75
You have a few drinks..............................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour........................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call....................-20
You get home at 3 am..............................................-30
And not wearing any panties.......................................-50
And wearing different clothes.....................................-75
And spend the night in front of the porcelain god.................-90
You're too drunk to make it home.................................-100
And have to stay with a male friend for the night................-400
Is that a hickey?!...............................................-600
His Night Out
=============
You stay home while he goes out with his annoying friend
from work..........................................................+5
He goes out with his annoying work friends, and he comes
home late.........................................................+10
You wait up.......................................................+15
He goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put him to
bed...............................................................+20
A Night At Home
===============
You watch TV together...............................................0
You rent a movie...................................................+2
It's got violence..................................................+3
And nudity.........................................................+5
Lots of nudity....................................................+10
And you don't care................................................+20
A Night Out
===========
You take him to a movie............................................+2
You take him to a movie you like...................................-2
You take him to a movie he likes...................................+4
It's got violence..................................................+5
It's a horror film.................................................+7
And you snuggle up to him in fear.................................+20
Your Physique
=============
You develop flabby thighs...........................................0
You develop exercise to get rid of it.............................+10
You complain about your weight....................................-10
You complain about your weight while eating ice cream.............-20
You don't ask if he thinks you're fat.............................+20
You dress to flatter yourself, no matter what your weight is......+30
You dress in tight clothing.......................................+10
And the fat rolls out.............................................-50
Finances
========
You forego something expensive to save money......................+20
You spend a lot of money on something impractical.................-15
Something he can't use............................................-20
An expensive decoration...........................................-30
And it's tacky....................................................-50
Driving
=======
You get the directions for a trip..................................+4
You get the wrong directions for a trip...........................-10
You forget to mention an exit.....................................-15
Because you were too busy checking your makeup....................-20
The Big Question
================
You ask, "Do I look fat?".........................................-25
You get mad if he answers.........................................-30
You get mad if he doesn't answer..................................-40
Communication
=============
When he wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression...................................0
When he wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.............+5
You take the problem seriously....................................+25
You laugh and say "You're worried about THAT?!"...................-45
You say "Men are all alike!"......................................-60
You say "Women don't worry about such things."....................-75
When you offer a solution to the problem..........................+10
Blame him.........................................................-20
Blame all males...................................................-40
Offer a compromise................................................+25

" Big Lies!"

I'll respect you in the morning.
It's only a cold sore.
You get this one, I'll pay next time.
My wife doesn't understand me.
Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
Of course I love you.
I am getting a divorce.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
I never inhaled.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
I never watch television except for PBS.
..but we can still be good friends.
She means nothing to me.
Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
I gave at the office.
Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
I'll call you later.
We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
Read my lips: no new taxes
I've never done anything like this before
Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
It's supposed to make that noise.
I *love* your new _____!
..then take a left. You can't miss it.
Yes, I did.
Don't worry, it's OK-I'm sterile.

" Mzzz. Foreign Communication!"

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she?s gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Then why in God?s name did ya think she?s gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can?t you see the label on bottle said...?

POLISH REMOVER???"

Nail Polish Remover...

"Why Pilots Prefer Airplanes Over Women?"


* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before.

* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

* Airplanes expect to be tied down.

* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

And The Last Two

* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

" Woman Makes the Man!"

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him."

Asked the friend.

The woman replied, " A billionaire".

" Surprise Dates!"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."


To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

I had a good laugh at this one- no offense to God or anyone.
Couldn't stop laughin. The facts of life.

" Harleys v. Women "

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God". St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

Well, it may be true that my invention has some flaws through genetics/lifestyle," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Comebacks to that all time favorite question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"


You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.