~~~Affair to Remember~~~

(Hannah)
"Ruth, I have to tell you something."
"What is it Hannah?"
(Hannah)
"I'm having an affair"
(Ruth)
"Who's doing the catering?"

~~~Marriage Blues~~~

Morris had asked his ole pal Sol to help him out with the deck after work, so Sol just went straight over to Morris's place after work.

When they got to the door, Morris went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Sol observing the interaction, told Morris that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife???

Morris said, oh boy....that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Sol, thought what the heck he'd give it a go...

When he got home, he gave his wife Esther a smoldering hug, kissed her passionately and adoringly told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Sol was confused and asked why she was crying??

Esther said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Joshua fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement.

And NOW YOU COME HOME DRUNK!!!

~~~ The Love Dress~~~

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She
knocked on the door, then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the
couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end.

Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and Ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, turned on the fireplace laying on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in stunned and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

~Marketing Approach~

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."

That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!

Laughed at this one. Yes, I think our board is pretty much on "par now" with some of the best laughs out there.


~The Perfect Husband~

A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and said, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me find a suitable one?"

The marriage officer said, "Your requirements please."

"Well, let me see. He needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. He has to be willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out.

He must also tell me interesting stories when I need companionship for conversations, or be silent when I want to rest."

The officer listened carefully and replied,
*
*
*
*
"I understand. You need a television."

____________________________________________________________
~Two Antenna's~


Two Antenna's met on a roof top. Fell in love. They got married. The ceremony wasn't great. But the reception was excellent!

__________________________________________________________
~ Adam/Eve~

Eve got Angry... Nuked Adam. Adam Split Eden....

____________________________________________________________

~ Senior's Dating ~



Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.


Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.


I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."


Edna: "Well, I'll tell you.


He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me such beautiful flowers!

Then, he took me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.


Then he took me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks.


Then went to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!


So then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two times!"



Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"



Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

Relationships Humor.


Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.



If your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.



There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."