Wow, what a difference a day makes. dg, you are doing great, but you are in the gentle guiding hands of ML and Jim and getting great guidance.

You need to stay really strong and keep on the pressure. What is their relationship at work, your WW and the OM? Does one work for the other, or are they equals, or what. You really need to expose them at work, because you will not get far into recovery if they still can see each other there.

Stay strong, be patient, and be prepared for her to go into some withdrawal if she's not going to see or here from the OM for a few days.

SD

Melody - I pretty much laid out detail for detail that I could for him so he does know about everything until yesterday at 3:00pm - I originally asked him to wait discussing this b/c of holidays and IL's but I guess now that its out there - We will have to discuss W thinks he is going to bring it up anyway but I guess I almost tried to protect her by saying if she wanted to forget everything I would find new church but she is expecting me to go through everything w/ her - She is mad but said it's Xmas service so I guess I should count myself lucky she feels this way. so I will show my supoort and hold my head high.
What better to serve your W than stand beside her right?

dg...never deny a WS the opportunity to feel the consequences of their discretion... a cardinal rule in fighting infidelity.

You are doing the right thing. Perhaps the pastor can negotiate a very productive exchange between you and WW tomorrow.

Best wishes,
SD

EXACTLY! A loving husband DOES NOT help his wife RUN from the consequences of her actions, but helps her FACE THEM HEAD ON!! Helping her HIDE by making everyone keep secrets ENABLES THE AFFAIR!! You HURT her, your marriage and your children if you try to protect her from the consequences, because those consequences are what will help her GROW and learn as a person.

Are you calling the pastor back and asking him to SPEAK openly to your wife tommorrow about her affair?

Shattered thank you sorry I forgot to mention you in my thanks, W and OM work in diff. depts and slightly diff. shifts so I dont know what happens.
Also her GM is married ans having an affair w/ CSR so I guess thats a moot point - Although I was going to write to HR person.

I was going to confront OM face to face and tell him if she really wanted to be gone she would have - That we will always have our kids in coomon and grandkids so if he feel s that he can compete w/ me go ahead but he should have known better being a 2 time loser (divorced) and am goiing to mention that if he would like the old me to show up that can be arranged as I have tried to put my anger aside for the good of my M but if he wants to force the hand I will wim b/c I have more to lose than he.

Not to mention that she told me they were "just friends" and that she "didnt find him attractive anyway"

I would keep any confrontation a straight-up, professional business meeting. "I love my wife and I know there have been a friendship between you two that has become too friendly. I have been and will continue to do everything in my power to make sure our marriage has every chance of being successful from this day forward. It would be best for our marriage if you never spoke or had any interaction with my W beginning today. I hope I can count on you to do your part."

Your words are too confrontational, and you can't fill your W's love bank from jail, or the hospital!!!

SD

I have a few days to think about what and where I will say it - I do like your approach.
I don't know if I did something against Plan A or not?
Throughout this I didnt try to do too many things other than try to talk about R/M - This morning went to the grocery store for coffee and - My W is originally from Texas so I used to call her my Yellow Rose - They didnt have any single roses so got her a dozen yellow roses and gave her a card I found yesterday about Marriage and how its not all about feelings and how even at times how people may not even like each other but that with work it can be good. - Said much more but....... Anyway I wrote I know you arent too happy with me right now but I do care for you and I hope you will be my Yellow Rose - David
Too much? Too soon after exposure?

Usually love banks are closed for a few days after exposure, so you can try and make deposits, but they are usually futile. I maybe would have waited until this whole thing blew over a little, but small acts (not words) of love are always helpful.

I didnt sign the card Love David or even mention the word Love in my writing only that I cared for her.

She slept on the couch last night - She just asked me to get the clothes for our kids Xmas gifts out of my car and - I asked so you are sleeping on the couch again?

She said I was upset last night, Also she didnt throw the flowers away and I know she at least opened the card

I am guilty of this as well, but you are pressing too much. It will go quicker if you just let her go, be a shining beacon, and let her find her way back to you. Most WSs don't like being told, shown, or asked what to do. They will actually resist it. If you just back off, they will find their way back quicker because they won't have to resist your advances. I know this is easier said than done, but the better you are at this, the quicker you and your WW will reconcile.

So, don't initiate any relationship talk, let her bring it up. Don't ask her when she's coming back to bed, just let her show up in bed one day (it took my WW about 6 days after she ended it w/OM to come up with some excuse to sleep in our bed again, and she hasn't left since). Don't tell her ILY, let her say it to you first. She knows you love her, and she will feel bad for not saying it back before she is ready.

Just emotionally detach somewhat, and give her a little space (but continue snooping on the side to make sure the OM is out of the picture), continue to meet the ENs she allows you to without LBing, and just be a shining example of a great husband for her to want to come back to when she is ready. Remember, it's on her timeline, not yours, and you can only get in the way and prolong it.

Jim,
Thanks for the advice, It is so hard to detach and even though she is mad as heck right now it makes me love her more - I just want her to know that without saying it.
I am going over in my head of our meeting w/ Pastor today and really I am so committed to his M I really havent even thought of Plan B only in fleeting moments when I feel I cant take it.
But I havent been too good at Plan A - Too much R/M talk and what you say shows up so much - The more I talk the farther she moves - Although the weekends are where I see progress - But it all falls away as work week goes on

What will the discussion with the pastor be about? Have you told the pastor that you need him to speak to your wife about her affair? You had told him earlier to keep his knowledge a SECRET. Have you recitified this?

When we meet w/ him I am going to tell him that I told W of exposure yesterday and t discuss whatever he feels about this situation - He has many details including last Sat acct of her missing cleaning the church so she could spend afternoon w/ OM - Of course we are running late W is in such a funk - Not speaking - Went upstairs to get suitcoat and she was reading Bible

Well - Nothing happened today @church spoke briefly w/ Pastor - He did talk w/ me about things and I reiterated about how she blew her sis off last Sat.He wants me to tell her sis - He said we will speak this week b/c something came up @ church and couldnt take time w/ us after service.
He is alos going to speak w/ W concerning her not wanting to work on this as she has always told him she would but then when it comes time She doesnt.
He was quite astonished by her behavior especially about the part concerning last Sat.

That is great that you got to speak to him. He DOES understand that she is having an AFFAIR, right? That is the real problem that needs to be addressed BY HIM.

Of course, all this can be addressed after Christmas. I hope you are able to take a rest and have a nice holiday with your family, dg. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pastor also said he is going to speak w/ MIL about everything I have confided and to bluntly ask W why she is unwilling to work at repair. I told him that whatever happened before in our M that this "friendship" especially at this point in our M is improper and is a big obstacle causing the stalemate.
W barely paid attention to service and spent much time in her Bible reading scriptures - Dont knw everything she was reading but looked to be a judgements,chastening, I wish I could see what else.
We stopped for lunch at McD's and we ate together and made small talk - Cordial conversation after quiet morning She didnt do anything w/ flowers but she didnt throw them away nor did she throw card away

Well I told him that she spent a few hours at this mans house,All the phone convos as well also being that these phone convos took place during this crisis. I also told him that I asked W to hace NC and asked her to find another job - He asked what she said - Told him W said money was too good which I replied that money is not an issue that I would rather go broke and help my M.

I said W calls it "friendship" but I told him whatever it was that it was improper in light of where we are at - My email to him explained all this as well and he wante me to make sure Sis kknows about last Sat

Told him I am committed to W and I am not going anywhere or looking to get out and she would have to do anything legal.

Told him I am trying to Love her like Christ loved the church and that I feel I love her more than the day I married her.
He told me to keep doing what I have been doing and to stay course

Melody, Jim, Shattered, and everyone else who is following and leading me in my sitch - Have a very Merry Christmas.
The support of all of you and my IL's - Church have been a big help to me.
W actually joked a little w/ me on the way home from church and smiled about things when we talked so I hope she is being worked on by all this.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas day - I am sure I will still be posting as I cannot talk w/ others right now - My family I am sure will make her feel uncomfortable with quietness and possible looks but they wont say anything - W's family will probably just try to get through tomorrow.

Pastor also wonered who I have told and I said the same thing to him as my W - Everyone who cares about her and us

Sorry forgot one last thing for right now - When we were eating McD's on our bed - W brought up that she wished she could find her ring - For those of you who might not remember W wears ring on and off but after Mon hadn't worn it until Thurs after D's school concert but she only put it halfway on her finger - While she was sleeping I felt it was kind of a slap in the face that she would only have it halfway on - So while she slept I slipped it off her finger.

I wonder why she brought up trying to find - Today of all times?

dg, you have a Merry Christmas as well. Just enjoy the holiday, remain emotionally detached and observe your WW while she "lives with some of the consequences" of her bad choices.

Be loving and caring, but no "I love you's".

I would think it would be harder to be a WS during the holidays. See if she struggles a bit.

Best wishes,
SD