See your doc. Explain what is going on. Usually you don't even have to see a shrink. Keep in mind that AD's and alcohol don't mix. Also it takes a couple weeks for most AD's to kick in.

I am so screwed - Found out after she got home from church that she filed a police report yesterday afternoon for harrassment and she is going to family court tomorrow.
To inquire about order of protection - All this garbage I did instead of listening to people here has cost me.

She wont even think of letting me stay in the house and seperate ourselves from one another.

She was on the fence as to what to do b/c of kids and I remained calm but it seems like we are headed for at least
S - Not sure if we will go trial S w/o legal document but either way I will be out.

I will be broke w/ nothing and nowhere to go - A friend offered me a place but hesitantly and only very short term.

Mother doesnt have any room b/c she shares a double w/ my brother, his wife and 3 kids.

I cant even afford a lawyer and what good would that do?
I had no proof of the affair other than cell records, one pic and lies told to me.

Now w/ the crap I pulled I am the one who looks like the bad guy and she says she is afraid of me - Great I let my emotions run away again on Tues and Fri - She said up until then she was gaining trust in me.

Just calm down. Just because she filed a police report and is trying to get a restraining order, doesn't mean that one will be granted. You need to keep your cool from this point on. Likely if this is the first time a report was filed, and she doesn't have a ton of witnesses, her attempt to throw you out of the house will fail. You need to zip your lip from this point on. Carry a digital voice recorder from here on out. Use it when you are talking to her. That way, if you don't blow up again and she files another report, you have evidence that nothing happened. You can afford an attorney. She'll stop pushing divorce if she sees you fighting because she'll realize how much money it will cost. Don't give up. Control yourself, get on ADs, get to IC, and DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE! You need to just not speak to her for a while, and if she tries to bait you, turn on your digital recorder. I feel that she is deep in the fog now. This is going to be tough, but you have to get through this. NO MORE LBs! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!!!

Yeah but she has told all people who were trying to help us and she is dead serious, I have had past issues that make me look bad.

I told her I would stay in IC, enroll in a group for domestic abuse, with her in IC as well asked if we could just try to get through a couple of months like that and maybe try MC along with all others.

I really think she is completely serious - And I cant help but feel my goose is cooked.

Even the Pastor told her to get order of protection but that he wants to speak w/me - W said we need to just be away from each other for awhile

dg,

You got yourself into this mess, and you are going to have to get yourself out of it. You need to stop worrying about her, and start really working on yourself. Don't even initiate contact with her anymore. No more talking to her. You need to demonstrate that you can control your emotions first. You are in no position to be married to anyone if you have issues with domestic abuse. Just like dealing with alcoholics, they need to get cleaned up first before they start addressing any other problems. You need to get your anger under control first. THEN AND ONLY THEN, should you start working on your marriage.

Let me clear something up, I slapped her once 6yrs ago and grabbed her a short time after that - No other violence.

The class was for my issues w/ my critical, demeaning AO's DJ's etc - But when we were talking today and tonight I showed her some stuff on my EAP site and she said where she may have been codependent. Along with that were her lies etc.

Those things do not excuse what I have done, But could be considered emotional abuse by definition.

Alright, thanks for clearing that up.

I'd never, ever, ever hit a woman...but I'll shake the [censored] out of her - Chris Rock, Bring the Pain

Everything Jim posted to you was right on the mark. Chill OUT!

NO MORE LB's. That fact your W is involved in an affair, and you are in counseling may be to your benefit. Maybe she'll chill out a bit too?

Just breathe, ok?

I am going at 2:30 for my appt. w/ IC and have a free consultation set up for tomorrow w/ an atty.

W called this morning as she found out I tried to get her password for her cell phone - Says she isnt going to seek an order of protection but I dont know whether to believe her or not.

I dont know if she is being driven by OM or not and have not heard from MIL and feel I have burned that bridge right now w/ Fri nights meltdown.

W said Pastor wanted to speak to me but now I am hesitant b/c I dont want to say anything that could make me look bad or be used against me.

I inquired about apt. but dont know whether or not to pursue it right now.

The only paper W showed me concerning Family Court was a standard issue piece of paper concerning her rights - Did not show me and I did not ask to see copy of alleged police report so I dont know if she is just trying to scare me into something but if I dont act then I could be out at anytime.

Dont know what to think at this time, I know I am staying away from her other than being in the house at the same time - One min. she seems sorry about all this mess and the next she seems so angry I dont know how to take anything.

She knows I dont want to pull rug out on the kids but she has been so irrational (look whos talking) these last few months - But feel I am the one going to get screwed b/c I let things get to me instead of being the best possible me.

Meet with the pastor. If you avoid him it looks like you have something to hide. Calm the [censored] down! You are your own worst enemy. You don't get as many responses because posters here are frustrated as he11 with you. We are giving you all this good advice and you fail to act on it. Most people will just walk away and let you self-destruct on your own. You need to pull it together for your kids' sakes. Don't talk about R/M or the RO. FOCUS ON PLAN A!!! FOCUS!! Whenever you feel yourself losing control, WALK AWAY AND POST ON THIS BOARD OR TALK TO A FRIEND! NO MORE LBs!!

I know I havent done all the right things but have tried to be as honest as I could here - Havent taken all the advice that was given.

I had become obsessed w/ OM and should have been more focused on me and the changes I could make for myself.

It is not my intent to push the people away who have replied to me, I only tried to get cell password before I knew all of what she has said yesterday and wasnt trying to do anything - I slept downstairs, tried to stay calm etc.

I only posted last message b/c now I truly realize where I am and how I got here - We are both no good in a marriage or any other R right now - We both need to straighten many issues out.

I have owned my actions/reactions not my feelings or emotions alhough I feel she has not either but I guess I should have paid more attention to fog instead of how I did things and I feel I made it worse by trying to spend so much time w/ her rather than just me and the kids.

Believe me I do know where I could have been better and where I need to work on myself - Should have reached out for help profeesionally early on instead of thinking I could changed on my own and change her mind.

Well learn your lesson and save your M. You are still M, no paperwork is filed, so you are still okay. You may have set back your recovery, but you haven't ruined your chances. You haven't pushed any people away, but people are more likely to post on people's threads who they feel their post will have a positive impact on. There are only so many threads you can respond to and some may view you as a lost cause. Prove them (along with your WW) wrong.

Remember this?

Try these things for one week...

1. Don't allow yourself to react to anything your WW says or does. Live your life independently of hers, while maintaining a Plan A platform.

2. Do something for you. Join a gym and work out, volunteer somewhere, or devote each night to doing something positive and fun with the kids.

3. Don't utter a word about your relationship or marriage. Not one. Don't question her actions or her words. Don't let her engage you in relationship talks, and don't initiate them.

4. Go ahead with counseling as planned, but discuss nothing with your WW about the visits.

5. Don't snoop this week at all. Quit obsessing over everything.

6. Dig down deep within yourself and find the strength to emotionally detach from your WW. Depend on her for nothing. Be completely self sufficient, including meals, laundry, housework, kids, everything.

7. Eliminate ALL lovebusters from your life.

I don't know if you realize it but in your interactions with your WW, your words are filled with lovebusters, and they serve no purpose but to drive her further away. EXAMPLE: "I said all the secrecy w/ things have led me to believe that she may have a hidden agenda". Why tell her that? Keep your thoughts to yourself. It's one more instance of you trying to make sense of her nonsense.

Start today?

SD

What exactly was she going to get a restraining order FOR, dg? Did you punch her out or something? Pull a pistol on her?

Or was this nothing more than an idle threat to SCARE you into ceasing all interference in her affair?

Was telling her to leave or help me w/ more of the family bills since whe has started making more money I have still been pulling more of the weight and felt used.

Didnt punch her slap her - Tried to just get her out of the bed - I was just so fed up that she has said she needs help but doesnt reach out, that she says fine we'll stay married b/c its the right ting to do.

Instead of working on me - I guess I had been trying to work on her and to make some changes of my own but not lasting.

Even now she doesnt think she wants full blown D - Just to get away from each other to see IC's and now after the 2 fights we had I am going to look like the biggest problem of all. - Tues night we had a heated argument and full of DJ's and threw her cell phone at the wall.

I know these things are bad - But she makes me feel like such an idiot - I know WS's most of the time dont own up to anything and should ahve known better.

Although the things that happened 6 yrs ago were never reported I feel like I caused so much more, But feel she was really pushing me the last few months especially after me asking her to leave if she wasnt at least going to be civil or not even respectful in front of the kids.

Also of showing up in the evening whenever she wanted to - Supposedly working.

I still don't understand, dg. What was the restraining order for? What advice did we give you that caused this?

It wasnt the advice given, It was my reaction to her and the way I felt about things instead of knowing what was right and wrong - I made a choice and I have to accept consequences.

She said it was a harrassment charge, She said she had a choice to file in criminal or family court and she was going today to find out her options - She didnt want to file b/c of kids.

She was looking into family court so that she could control it vs the DA.

For now all I can do is avoid anything - Hope to stay w/o
and LB's at all, get in to see C and hope I can stay for now.

RO - Was for order of protection - More or less to keep me away from her, her work, "stalking" b/c of my snooping I suspect but that would also keep me from kids.

I am now trying to go about this the best and right way from here on out.

As I said - IC - Legal advice and no LB's - Make changes for me and I am really not going to fil anything unless I am protecting myself.

Going to ask atty about my options if it came to that about A and OM.

You won't get tossed for what you did, but there will be increased scrutiny if something does happen again so you need to keep your cool, and get a digital recorder in case she wants to make something up.

Well, you can't very well "stalk" your own wife. You LIVE WITH HER and it is hardly illegal. You have every right to go by her workplace and see if she is there.

dg, what really happened here is that your wife THREATENED you with a RO to manipulate you into stopping snooping on her. She doesn't want you to CATCH HER. She wants you to STOP interfering in her affair and you fell for this RUSE.

I agree that you should stop fighting with her and stop the lovebusters, but DON'T stop interfering in her affair. Continue to snoop and continue to EXPOSE what you find.