I am getting ready to serve my WH LS papers, but I am very worried about the response. I guess part of me hopes he is angry, which may show he cares a little? And part of me is scared that there is no response...meaning he doesn't care? Can some of you tell me what kind of responses you received? I think it will help me to prepare myself for what may lie ahead.

Thanks, IHC

IHS -

Are you serving him papers for a LS for yourself (to protect yourself, any kids you have, and whatever love you have left for your WS), or are you serving him papers to get a reaction out of him?

If it's the latter, then IMHO it's the wrong reason to serve him papers.

If it's the former, then do your best to not worry about his reaction. His reaction, if any, is his to own and his responsibility.

Don't try to guess his reaction, and don't worry about it (I know that's very, very hard to do). Instead, focus on yourself. Remain calm. Don't LB if he gets angry. Reiterate your desire to save this marriage, and restate your boundaries. Then leave it at that. Don't get drawn into an argument with him, and don't let him try to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him or lessenging the consequences of his choice.

He made his choice...now he needs to accept the consequences.

healingbird,
It is definitely to protect me and my kids...no other reason. It is my stepping stone to Plan B. I guess I just have some anxiety about it...the unknown! And of course I didn't want to do this, but I had to due to his actions, so that makes it uncomfortable for me as well.

Don't try to guess his reaction, and don't worry about it (I know that's very, very hard to do). Instead, focus on yourself. Remain calm. Don't LB if he gets angry. Reiterate your desire to save this marriage, and restate your boundaries. Then leave it at that. Don't get drawn into an argument with him, and don't let him try to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him or lessenging the consequences of his choice.

This is helpful...I'm trying and definitely need the encouragement! Thank you

Also, when I served WH with LSA papers, he was surprised, and said, "I thought you said you weren't gonna file for divorce." I told him that the LSA was not about divorce, but about protecting myself and our son. I served those papers well over 4 months ago, and the revisions keep coming. Don't expect serving the LS papers to be the end of it. Your WH may not agree with what you and your lawyer have stated, and he may contact his own lawyer and want to modify. Be ready for that...

silent,

I tried to be fairly level headed and fair when I stated what I wanted. The majority of it was actually discussed at one point by WH. WH has stated he wants to proceed without lawyers, so it should be pretty straight forward. We have to do mediation before the court date to determine custody issues. We don't really have any huge assets that are in question either...so hopefully it won't be long and drawn out...I just need CS from this and that is the goal.

IHC,

How are you doing?
Have you decided when you're going to serve him? Are you going to do it yourself?

I never got this far, so I don't have any insight. It kind of stinks that you have to do it by the 28th -- right in the middle of Christmas, but it stinks more that he had the GALL to SHORT you and your kids right before Christmas!

How are you feeling about it? Are you worried that it will get ugly? Would you be ready to go into Plan B at the same time? Since you're delivering the papers, maybe you can deliver the PBL right along with them.

What are his plans for seeing the kids around Christmas? Any oportunity there for one last shot at going out on a helluva Plan-A bang?

Is you kitchen working yet?
I've been thinking about you and your kiddos!


-AmI.

AmI,

I am very sad lately..not sure if it the medication or the holidays, or just a combination of all of it. I have a lot of anxiety going into this LS phase.

I have a friend that my H doesn't know that is going to serve him as soon as he can find him. WH spends so much time at OW's and I don't know that address. So it is hit and miss at WH parents. Friend will take care of it though.

I am floored too that he shorted me that money. He is so incredibly selfish right now. That definitely put a stop to my remaining Christmas plans for my kids.



I am very upset by it all. I don't want it to get ugly and hateful. I have no idea what his response will be. It really stinks at the holidays too. I kind of wanted to get through them without this issue, but he has been so flaky with payments lately that I am glad I filed when I did. I worry that he will cut off all funds when he gets served.

I want to get my PBL done soon so that it can go out asap. I have been sick with a head cold and not on top of it. Maybe I can do that right now and get it up for comment...

I am very ready for Plan B, it seems like it will be a refuge for me. I have almost been in that mode anyway since I moved into the new place, he has been completely AWOL. Hasn't even called to take kids.



He hasn't even tried to arrange anything for Christmas. I am thinking I may just have plans when he calls and not be overly agreeable to what he wants. I think that is just being ticked at him though for not getting me any money. I am still praying about it. I doubt there is any opportunity for any PLan A stuff now...he has been so hateful and ugly every time I have seen him lately. I don't want to be around him. I will look nice and be polite, but I think that is about all I will be able to do.


Yes, finally last Wed. the stove got hooked up - no thanks to WH at all. If I had waited for him, it would still not be done. Thank God for sending help!

I'm gonna go work on my PBL and get it posted for feedback today.

Thank you AmI. You have been a lifeline to me lately! I know you understand how that feels. Blessings, IHC

Dear WH,

Your recent actions with OW have hurt me very deeply. I am trying to preserve the love I have for you and for that reason I am ending all contact with you at this time. My deepest desire is to remain your wife.

As I have stated to you before, I know that I was remiss in meeting your needs. I have truly learned how hurtful my actions were to you. I regret not showing you the love I have for you and for ever making you feel rejected.

My hope is that our children will have the opportunity to be raised with both of us together under one roof. I want to see our marriage restored, not as it used to be, but better than we ever hoped it could be. I know that with some work, we could have the marriage of our dreams. We could both have everything that we need in each other.

I am asking that you do not contact me for any reason. You may pick up the kids from the preschool and drop them off at the church on your specified weekend, beginning December 29th . Other than that, XXX and XXX are willing to act as intermediaries for any information that may be required that is not of a life threatening nature. You have their contact information.

If you should decide that you want to reenter our marriage, the requirements are fairly straight-forward: All contact with OW will be ended, a letter must be sent to OW stating that you will have no further contact with her, and we must enter marriage counseling. I know that these changes would be difficult, but I am willing to work through them with you should you choose to join me and work towards reconciliation.

Please respect this decision to have no contact with you. Please do not call or stop by. I am simply trying to preserve the love I have for you and it has been increasingly difficult as the months have progressed.

I can honestly say that I love you more today than I did the day we were married and am willing to work hard to build a new marriage with you should you choose to do the same. I want to be your wife: yesterday, today and forever.

I love you,
IHC

anyone?

I am NO expert - but - your first paragraph is too negative.
"your recent actions have hurt me deeply" is not a good way to start a letter. Why would he read any further than that?It sounds too much like you are trying to slap his hand.

You need to look at more examples - your letter should start with "I Love you, I care for you, I take responsiblity for neglecting some of your needs, and contributing to an environment that left you vulernable to an A, but I want to take steps to better myself, and build a better M".
Start with that sort of thing, before you nail him with the "your actions have hurt me."

See what I mean?

here is a copy of the plan B letter that jennifer Harley helped me to write. Maybe you can get some helpful ideas from it.



My Dearest XXXX,

What I am about to say comes from my heart and it is the most difficult thing that I’ve ever had to do in my life.

I love you with all of my heart. Even with all that has happened, I still consider you my best friend, I still believe that you are the most wonderful man I’ve ever known, I am still so very emotionally and physically attracted to you, and I still believe that we are meant to spend forever together. However, every time I see you or talk to you part of my heart is torn because I want so much for things to be different. I want so much more than you are willing to give to me right now.

I want you to know that I am so sorry for my part in creating the environment that helped to make this affair possible. I deeply regret that I did not give you the time, attention, and affection that you needed to be happy. I am desperately hoping that one day you will forgive me and allow us to create a new future together.

During the past year and a half, I have been learning what a marriage should be and I’ve tried to show you love, protection and care in the limited time that we’ve had together. I have learned so many important things. It’s like a light bulb came on for me and I now know what is needed to make our marriage a happy, loving and supportive place to be. I have made so many changes. Some you may have noticed and some you have yet to discover. Most importantly I have learned that there isn’t anybody or anything as important to me as you are.

Whatever problems we had, I am confident that we can overcome them and that we can create a new lifestyle that allows us to spend time together meeting each others needs so that we can both be happy. I imagine a new life together, spending time doing new things together and with friends….. making new memories.

I have tried so hard to stay connected to you even under these extremely difficult circumstances and I treasure every contact that we have. However, the current situation has become too excruciating for me to endure. Knowing that you are with someone else tears me to pieces. At times the thoughts are unbearable. Yet I still have hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we have had and create a new life together that represents total commitment to each other, caring about and meeting each other’s needs, protecting each other’s feelings, complete honesty, and spending time together.

So I’m asking you to please understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a new chance, I will still love you and want to try again. The only way I can think of to do this is to end all contact with you until your affair has ended. I say this with tears in my eyes because this is not what I want. But knowing that you are with someone else everyday is destroying the love I have for you.

Please do not call me, send e-mails, or leave voice messages unless you have permanently separated from OW and have decided that you want to work on building a new relationship with me.

If you should need to reach me in case of an emergency, you can send an e-mail to my friend XXXX at XXXXX and she will get a message to me.

It is not that I don't want you in my life...I want that more than anything...but I want all of you… and I want you all to myself. Sharing you is just too painful.

If you should decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same. I hope that one day you will decide to allow us to begin again.

I loved you when I married you. I continue to love you to this day. I will love you forever

Given the chance, I would totally re-do my PBL. My whole attempt at Plan B was ridiculous, and the quote I've seen is you only get one chance to do a great Plan B. So I really don't feel qualified at all to comment on the letter. There are some great PBL experts around who will come help, I'm sure.

Just wanted to give you some support and hugs in the meantime.

I know it probably doesn't feel so great right now, but I hope you can see how amazing you are. I'm SO impressed and proud of you! You are taking the actions you have to take to protect and care for your family -- even though it's hard. You are being smart and keeping your priorities in the right place and doing the right thing with every step. Your WH and his nasty little slime-pit-partner can't say any of that.

Maybe he recognizes that, too, and that's why he can't face the kids?

It's ok to be sad .... it's a very sad situation. But look at what you're accomplishing, anyway! You are getting up everyday and taking care of your kids and loving on them and providing for them and making sure they have what they need -- emotionally and physically. There were so many days when I could barely get myself out of bed, and here you are taking care of 5 kids by yourself, moving, remodeling the house to make it livable for them, working, attending all of their events and getting them where they need to be ...

I really mean it, I think you are amazing!


Try not to worry about his response to being served. It does stink, but you didn't pick the timing -- he did. I'm still stunned that he flaked out on supporting the family at Christmas!!! Yuck.


I'm thinking of you, and hoping you feel better! Like you really need a cold on top of everything else.

Big ((((((hugs))))).

-AmI.

Just bumping to see if you can get more help with your Plan B Letter.

How are you feeling today?

WOF,

I agree! I was trying to get all the info in and wasn't looking at the big picture of how it is reading. I looked back at it and agree completely. Thank you!

eav,

This is a great example to me. It has a much softer feel and yet is to the point. It states a lot of feeling which is more what I am wanting. I am glad that my first draft is not the one that got sent!!!

I also find it amazing that I could almost use your letter exactly. That the feelings of BS are so similar. Thank you, this is a very helpful letter to have.

AmI,

I am crying right now at your encouraging words. I always feel like I am just barely hanging on and your letter helped to remind me that I am doing this...not just muddling through. Well, muddling sometimes!!!!

I think the meds have made me a little more down, but it is hard to pin point that since so many other things are going on at the same time...I guess I'll know in the next few weeks.

My friend let me know today that he is going to serve WH on Tuesday...so that we can get through the holidays with less tension. I am glad that I know when he is doing it so I don't stress about it before then.

The whole PBL writing experience is a little overwhelming as well. There is so much that you are trying to state in a concise letter. I really think the example I got will be hugely helpful...and to know that it was helped along by a MB counselor is great too.

I will give the letter another try now.

Writing the letter is hard, and a good dark Plan B is even harder. But once you get the hang of it, you will appreciate it's peace and protection.

believer,

That is what I am looking forward to...a respite. Finding a little refuge from the storm. God has been faithful to provide that for me during this time, now I will have the added benefit of no contact to help those times be more often.

Thank you!

It doesn't start out easy. Plenty of us have broken Plan B a couple of times. It is also very boring at first, after the uproar. But then it becomes like heaven.

feel free to use any part or all of the letter if it says what you want to express to your H.

i KNOW how hard this is...my heart goes out to you