I told my friend I loved him. The feelings weren't mutual, but my husband doesn't want us to be friends anymore. I only have 2 friends, and this guy is the most interesting person I know. We like all the same things, he's smart, and he's funny. He'd been driving me home twice a week for about 2 months and staying at my house talking for 1-2 hours afterwards, talking. Some days he'd call me or I'd call him after my kids were in bed, and we'd talk for a few more hours.

My friend stopped talking to me for about a week after my admission saying that "any discussion about any feelings between us was inappropriate and that I should focus all my energy on my marriage", but called me yesterday to say he wanted to stay friends. My husband is still angry with him and said there was no way I could talk to him (he doesn't know my friend called). I told my friend that, and he couldn't believe me because, "he hadn't done anything wrong!" I did stick up for my husband saying that talking to somebody else's wife for hours every week is probably at least a little inappropriate. My friend told me it was my husband's responsibility to tell my friend he didn't like it.

My husband is really great, but he's not as intellectual as me or my friend. I'm not being critical, he's just more artistic than book smart. I like watching Director's Commentaries, Nova, and Mythbusters. Those things put him to sleep. My friend and I can talk for hours about those things. My therapist said that three years ago, when I married my husband, I knew he wasn't an intellectual, and that he hasn't changed, so it's not fair to expect him to become one. She also read the reply that my friend sent to my admission of love, and said that he seemed to like flirting with me because I was safe (i.e. married), but once I gave him an option of confessing any affection or backing off, he chose to back off.

Anyway, since he has firmly upheld the friendship boundary, would it be so bad to continue to talk to him if we didn't spend time alone together? I'm perfectly happy to conduct all friendship business in my husband's company (my husband doesn't like my friend much, though, not even before my admission).

Thanks!

You must establish NC with him. Admitting feelings of love triggers an affair regardless of his (current) reaction.

You must never see him or speak to him again.

Read the Infidelity FAQ's linked in my signature below.

is OM married?

If the roles were reversed I doubt that you would be so accepting as you want your husband to be. The bottom line is that you told another man you loved him and have been spending many hours communicating with him and sharing your feelings. You are humuilating and disrespecting your husband. How can you not see this? Again if your husband told another woman he has been spending a great deal of time with that he loved her would you be comfortable with him continuing to see this woman? What if he said his wife is really great but not really as artistic as his female friend so he really wishes to maintain her friendship. If you wish to ultimately destroy your marriage then continue to do what you are doing.

OM (it feels weird even thinking of it like that)is unmarried, though I don't see how it would matter. He was dating for marriage (our religious beliefs encourage meeting through a matchmaker and only dating until you find a person you're willing to marry). He started going to therapy (at my suggestion) and decided to stop dating for a while. We are both in our early 30's. My husband is in his mid 40's.

If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't have let it go so far. Before my declaration, I told my husband I was attracted to him, and he said, "it's nice you have a friend who likes the things you do." I asked if my husband was jealous about the time I spent talking to my friend, and he replied, "Why would I be?" Frankly, he didn't really respond to anything I said until I called him at work crying and confessing what I'd done.

I take an interest in everything my husband likes, even if I don't like it. I read books and watch documentaries about the music he likes, and try to talk to him about topics he finds interesting. He is either unable or unwilling to do the same for me. If I stop seeing my friend, I will have NO ONE to talk to about the things that really interest me. My other close friend is primarily my friend because she knew my husband before I did and because we work together. I'm bored and lonely, and I'll be even more bored and lonely without my friend.

Did you read the infidelity FAQ's?

Do you love your husband? Want to stay married .. fix this marriage? Make him understand the severity of the situation. Do this.

1) No contact with your friend, cut that off - you have no choice.
2) Tell your husband he's not meeting your emotional needs and they were being met by another man.
3) Grab him, shake-him, and tell him your dreadfully unhappy in the marriage - and you want things to change - or you want out.

Get marriage counseling asap. There's still hope.

It could be he just trusted you to know boundries and couldn't read your mind.

Shake him up. Tell him that you are unhappy in your marriage, and you want to fix it. Tell him you will send your friend a letter or email letting him know that they cannot be friends and you will never contact him again. This is how affairs start.

Direct your husband to this website. Print out the EN and LB questionnaires (there is a link at the top of the website), and fill yours out and get him to fill his out. If he refuses, tell him he is risking losing you to someone else because your ENs are not being met. Tell him that is why you were gravitating toward this OM, and you don't want that to happen again in the future. Ask him is it worth an hour of your time to help prevent this from happening again. If he still doesn't do it, you need to think about leaving the relationship. You deserve someone that will meet your ENs, and you will continually be looking for an OM until you eventually have an affair (or you could just be miserable the rest of your life). You don't want to go down that path, and an action like that will generally get your husband's attention.

crushgirl,

I don't think you need to tell your H that you want out of the M as a way to wake him up. I think you need to be as open and honest with H as you can be and show him that you want to recover your M. Either that or just move out and get a divorce, but do NOT fence sit on this. I think you want your M to recover because you are here.

When I say honest, I mean total, complete, unaltered, undiluted truth, not the "reasons" you have given yourself or the minimum of only what is directly asked. Anything you omit or embellish at this point will only be like a dagger at the heart of your H when the truth does come out, and it WILL, sooner or later. Every time he discovers something new on his own, he will be back to square one.

The only sure way to even begin is with no contact w/ OM. That's none, nada, zip, zilch, zero, NONE. You may not understand this right now, but it is critical.

Mark

good job crushgirl on being open and honest with your husband. seems to me you either need to decide to work on your marriage and this would mean cutting off ties with the OM. if you keep up the contact it seems like it may lead to a physical affair.

perhaps age difference between you and your husband is interfering in you guys "connecting" - can you figure out ways to bridge that gap? i think the emotional needs questionnares is a great idea. perhaps you can even go through dr. harley's surviving an affair book together. there is a good example of a couple recovering where one spouse confessed their feelings of love toward someone else early on as you have.