If I could suggest one thing for a female BS with children to do, it would not be to attempt to reconcile, not be Plan A, nor Plan B - after 8 years of experience, the most important thing to do is to try to get SOLE LEGAL CUSTODY. If you do not, be prepared for the OW to constantly interfere in the lives of you and your children, even if their father rarely sees them.

I envy people whose husbands have disappeared never to be heard from again.

Wow Nellie,

I see an awful lot of bitternes and resentment from someone who logged in here 5 + years ago.
I'm sorry things have not gone well for you, but this is not very encoraging for those trying to save their M.

Have you considered IC for your sitch? It may be very helpful for you. I do wish you much more happiness in the future.

All blessings,
Jerry

AMEN!! Sister..Amen..!!!

Good parents do not CHEAT on their childrens parent and put the whole family at fincancial and emotional risk...

cheating actions over-ride their so called "good parent card" as far as I am concerned...

active cheating and good parenting can not and do not exist in the same realm

and I could hurl for every BS that defends the WS as...well he/she is good mom/dad...

BULL$#it!!!

As far as I am concerned stealth legal advice from the moment D-Day occurs is numero uno...

be well Nellie..
be at peace....

ARK

I agree, Ark. Unfortunately, it is hard for BS's to believe that a formerly good parent can become someone unrecognizable, even in their relationship with their children. It was not until one of my kids came down with an illness that can be fatal about 5% of the time, and he expressed no interest in how she was doing, & never called or emailed to check on her, that I realized he was not the person I once knew. Fortunately, she recovered fully.

I am horrified by some of the behavior of the OW's, especially toward the children. Why can't they just stay out of their lives? Even when they have managed to eliminate visitation, they still want to interfere.

It would be far better for society if, in cases of infidelity and desertion, the custodial BS always had sole custody, and she (or he) had the power to make all educational, medical, and legal decisions for the kids. The WS's have already shown themselves incapable and undeserving of making those decisions, and it is even less appropriate for the OW's to be involved.

Nellie2 - I totally agree that the "children" should be the top priority... All children need one sane parent to raise them... I am actually lucky in the way that my ex - seems to think it is perfectly ok if I am the only one raising them.. he just pops in every now and then to make it look good to the outside world... and I agree that it is scary how a "good" parent pre-affair - pre-divorce turns into this parent that we would have never in a million years imagined..... I wish you well - and your children well.. and they are lucky to have a wonderful parent in you.... Happy Holidays....

I think your intentions are good here... however, I think you are downplaying the role of a father. What happens when the mother is the no good cheater???? I am a father that has been awarded full and complete (legal and custodial) custody of my child. He has a sane parent and he calls him "dad."

Amen... Ark

mkeverydayct,

I did not intend to downplay the role of fathers who are BS's. I think BS's of either sex should have full custody. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible in my state for a BS to get legal custody, unless the WS is in jail for abuse or some something similar. I think it is somewhat less common for the OP to try to interfere in the lives of the BS's children when the OP is male. I don't think I have ever heard of a male OP showing up at a teacher conference.

Thanks Maw, and I hope you have a good holiday as well. My kids' father also pays little attention to them, other than weekly fast food dinners, but when he does it is always manages to screw up their lives. The worst of it isn't his interference - it is interference by the OP. I don't know how you can stand living next door to one.

"I envy people whose husbands have disappeared never to be heard from again."

Be careful what you wish for, Nellie. My sons' dad did the old disappearing act when they were 1 and 4. He took off with his OW, never contacted them, didn't pay a dime of child support.

I can't tell you the thousands of awful times for my boys. Father's Day presents made at school, with no father to give them to, Father-son events, questions from their friends, not knowing how to be a man.

I did my best, got them in sports, taught them how to fish, had family friends for role models. They turned out to be fine young men. But I know each of them has a hole in his heart. A mom can be a wonderful parent, but she cannot be a dad.

Even though they know where there father is, it hasn't been much different for my kids. Yes, they sometimes made Father's Day presents - but he didn't want to see them on Father's Day. When he left our son was just entering adolescence; the weekly dinners at McDonald's and occasional night (averaging once every couple of months) of visitation (none at all during the last year) certainly didn't teach him anything about being a man, especially since his father is under the thumb of the OW. There is something to be said for having the certainty of an absent father, rather than the constant stress of waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering when he is going to cut back further on interaction with you, or when he and the OW are going to gang up on you and harangue you about every fault you have and quite a few imaginary ones. Absolutely my son, and my daughters as well, would have been better off had he disappeared out of their lives completely.