As many of you know - I've been around here for a couple of years and the situation surrounding X's affair, the subsequent D (and all that is included with D) seems pretty distant now.

I read SAA, HNHN, Love Must be Tough and dozens of other books, articles, etc. I also spent much time on here - made friends, joked, cried, laughed, got angry, reacted, responded, stood up for, and so on... It was all good - except as time went by, there seemed to be a little something missing.

So I decided to take a good look in the mirror! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> And what I found bothered me a bit. The divorce had taken its toll on my life, and I'd basically forgotten how to live. I'd become so afraid of making "the same mistake" with another woman - that I'd created an impossible scenario for any woman to fit into. My criteria-list (so as not to be hurt again) made for an impossible situation and I talked myself out of just relaxing and having a good time.

I've continued to check on everyone here and it seems that many of you might be experiencing the same thing. I don't want to say "depressed"; but the atmosphere seems a little "heavy" to me.

All I'm saying is to be careful with your list of standards. While none of us want to go through the crap that brought us here - it is important to live a little (or a lot!) If you find yourself attracted to someone - remember to give equal credit to the positive aspects that you do the negatives. Remember when you were younger and adventuresome - what it's like to laugh so hard that your face (and stomach) hurt - what it's like to place faith in the other person - and so on.

All I'm saying is to relax a little and enjoy life. Begin with the holidays! Merry Christmas.

FR

Good advice, although, in part, many of us have so many challenges with our children and our families that dating hasn't been a focus.

In addition, many of our boundaries had been so muddied, that now we try to create and maintain our boundaries early in our relationships, even as in who we would consider dating.

You could have addressed this one to me!
Hits rather close to home. Yikes!


And then I began wondering.....is he trying to tell us he got Married?



Nah....ya think?
I mean, what, had the carpet ripped out from under ya, and life as we all once knew it has changed in every aspect.
It takes a major toll in my opinion. And it takes a long time to begin to think you could possibly be recovering.


I'm sure I fit this description very well. {only, I prefer a man}
So, what are you going to do about it FR?


This is where you lose me. For me, dating is very serious. I don't take it lightheartedly. When I was young and dated, I don't think I was thinking about the person fitting into every part of my life. I now have 2 girls, my extended family that I always wonder if they would fit into, if they should have kids, will the 3 of us fit in their world. It's not simple, not at all.

{quote]All I'm saying is to relax a little and enjoy life. Begin with the holidays! Merry Christmas[/quote]

Okay! Point taken and registered.
I'm headed to SC for Christmas. My brother has planned for us three sibs, sil&bil, and his "friend" to go to a concert. Cowboymouth? Never heard of them, but he's very excited. I guess I could start with this particular evening then! Switch it up a little right? With one major exception.....I've met the friend before. Very nice "young" man. One in which I'm not the slightest bit interested.
But, I will go, relax, and enjoy!
Merry Christmas to you FR!

I hope it's a happy one for you and your girls!
K.

Agree.

I too have delved into books, articles and websites on relationships and recovery, and many have been helpfull in recognizing past misakes. But there comes a time when one must step away from the keyboard and dance.

HL

I like your message, Fishracer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
(Similar thoughts here... and similar advice...)


I remember, oh I do...
And I know I can feel it again.
Just when I find the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Welcome Back!

I agree with your impressions!

Does take awhile to become "dis-entangled" re-minder that reclaiming a good PMA (Positive Mental Attitude)bit by bit can help re-flip our switch, re-arrange our molecules and reel us back into our good cores& pro sane balanced values.

In childhood, we start out with many positive molecules within us and pleasant wonderous distractions all around us
that gave us a power boost& heaping measure of HOPE to COPE!

The divorce process is so zapping, there remains a great unbalance of so much of our focus& energy diverted to the other person& our illusions about attachments.

So easy to end up with the wrong priorties of placing our selves on a dusty shelf and forget about COMPASSION for ourselves and FORGIVING OURSELVES.

Takes awhile making ourselves a top notch priorty deserving of better care, treatment, happiness, surrounding our selves with good positive company and being good company ourselves...

Taking care of ourselves and unmet neglected needs of our own takes a great deal of focus and energy. Me thinks the atmosphere does remain heavy because we are not caring for ourselves as we ought too and abnormal high stress factors called life/survival.

We've been messed with, miffed, provoked, rightfully ticked off cuz many of us were horribly manipulated, hurt, tolerated the untolerable and unacceptable.

Being KIND and NICE to ourselves! Nothing like creating a new world for ourselves with lots of positive distractions.