Hi...I'm new here... and have been reading many threads lately to see if I can find solutions in situations similar to mine... but thought... just put my own situation out there and see what comes of it.
My story...
I've been married for 12 years... coming up on anniversary (not looking forward to it). I started an emotional affair at the end of June... started to retreat... told husband there was the "potential" of someone else. He found my cell phone records 6 wks after starting the A. Have had LOTS of fights since then. He made me call the OM in front of him and say we were done. I did that... but continued to call OM for a while and say more of what needed to be said. OM was in similar situation... unhappily married.
Now everything is still very unsettling. Husband is very demanding and trying to control. I am telling him my whereabouts... he has free view of my cell phone. I am not sure I want this to work out. He seems to not be willing to allow my love bank to fill up. We have fights every week... which takes away from any deposits that have been made. We have 2 kids... who we are trying to keep this out of their eyes, but I've been "kicked" out of the house a few times, so they know things are not going right.
My question is... Husband says I should feel bad/remorse for what I did... I should want to make it up to him... bend over backwards to "show" my love for him... I should try to make it up to him for how much I hurt him and taken from him. Back in Sept. he admitted himself to the psych ward, for fear of suicide... found out he had been misdiagnosed of depression when really he has bipolar disorder! The fights are always him talking AT me, telling me how I should feel, what I should be thinking, how I should be acting. I should be wanting to do all these things... but I don't! That's the problem, I don't want to do these things and I really should want to... I'm worried that I don't really love him... and have felt this way for a long time, but just kind of "settled" for the marriage I had. Now with the constant demands etc... it's not worth settling for.
Anyone have thoughts for me?

yes... here's a thought... take responsibility for the harm you have caused... get into counseling and be the wife that your H deserves. Also, you may want to be there as an ally in his battle against BPD instead of adding to his stress and fears. In a word... and I mean this in a very respectful fashion... it is time for you to grow up and be the adult wife that you signed on for 12 years ago. This is not to say that your H does not have issues he needs to work on... but right now... your A and its aftermath are the BIG issues.
Good luck... sorry you need to be here. Perhaps you should make sure your H knows about this place.
Also... have you ended absolutely ALL contact with the OM?

did anything he say to you untrue....

you hurt another a human being...

deeply and profoundly...

you put his children at risk for being replaced by a

stranger...

kids meet your new dad...

oh yeah...

and you new brothers and sisters...

now kids...don't you all want mommy to be happy...
don't worry you can see daddy for HALF of Christmas vacation....

your husband is a wounded animal..
lashing back...as he sits cornered in his fears...pain...and depression....

kg the first place to start is to humble yourself and acknowledge sincerely and deeply the pain...

your husbands is text book classic....

your knee jerking back in to denying and avoiding the reality of your actions.....

is text book as well

you two constantly fight because you constantly participate willingly...

heal his hurt
touch his pain
reach out and tend to his wounds...

you stand at a great cross roads to heal and become and create the marriage both you and he deserve....

do you want to make ammends for the hurt you caused...
or do you want to power struggle and fight for the right to hurt someone....

this site can help you and him heal..

you don't deserve to be punished for the rest of your life...

but you should tend to the wounds you inflicted....

otherwise you are just cruel....

have you told HIM about this site....

have you offered counseling
have you offered religious support

what have you DONE besides what he tells you to do to heal him and you....

and do you want help...

ARK

Welcome to Marriage Builders-

There are lots of folks on this site who can give you good advice, who have been on both sides of the fence-Betrayed Spouses (BS) and Wayward Spouses (WS)-even spouses of bipolar partners.

As a BS, I can tell you some of what your H is feeling.what The pain and shock of discovering that our spouse has replaced us in their heart is so disorienting. Everything we thought was real is completely ripped away. We try to do whatever we can to regain a sense of control in our lives.

It sounds like your H is trying to find some control over this roller coaster of emotion he is on, and some sign that there is hope for your M in your actions-that might be why he is demanding that you "act" a certain way.

I can't really give you any insight for your own feelings because I haven't been on your side of this issue. I realize it is complicated and there are others here who can give you more insights.

But I want you to know that I admire your willingness to come here and try to find some advice in this situation.

I would direct you to the links on the side of the page to start with. The Most Important Emotional Needs and Basic Concepts are a good place to start.

Are you willing to go to counseling-either individual counseling for yourself (IC) or Marriage Counseling (MC)? Is your H in any counseling following his diagnosis?

Have you thought of directing your husband to this site?
He might find some helpful information here too.

Hope this is helpful-

We have done counseling... he decided we didn't need it anymore..."we both knew what we need to do" to fix this he said... I disagreed... I think we should have stayed in couseling. I have be somewhat trying... I apologized for what I did, sincerely. I come home every night, I try to do what he wants... say I love you, kiss him, etc. I guess I'm just not doing enough, but I'm doing what I can right now. He wants everything to be fixed right now... keeps saying how he's been waiting 7 months already and is tired of waiting. I keep telling him that I'm trying, but it takes a while to get back to "loving" him.
I know he's hurt, I am not being cruel, I'm usually quiet during the discussions... but when i do speak up and say what I'm honestly feeling, he gets mad... like I'm not allowed to have my own feelings of sadness/hurt... just him?

go back to counseling....
invite him back..

change your love language..

I am going back to counseling because I want to make this not right or OK...cause I can't do that...
what I want to do is to create a marriage where you and I are true partners...emotionally and physically....

what is he specifically saying you are not doing...
that makes him feel this way

ark

Read up about the Love Bank, Emotional Needs, etc... here on this site. Get His Needs, Her Needs...and start understanding what's missing for BOTH of you in your relationship.

While you're at it, pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair"...it'll give you some excellent insight on what your H is going through, as well as a much needed gameplan in how to rebuild your marriage from infidelity. Take a special look at how to rebuild trust after an affair...it takes a long time to do so.

Also, start looking around for material on how to help your BPD spouse. How can YOU learn to deal with it, help him, etc...

kg6blue, have you ended ALL contact with your boyfriend?

I had made a call yesterday to go back to IC that I had started back in Sept.
I am not meeting his sexual needs... everytime I say "no" or not in the mood... that's when the "discussion starts up. And I ask him if he wants me to just fake it? He says if i start doing it, I'll start feeling it... and I'm typical female that I need to feel it first before I do it?

I've looked at the list of emotional needs... and right now he's SO needy that everything on there is a need for him, and if I don't meet it then and there.... then he gets frustarted and upset!

I feel like I don't get any credit for ANY of the efforts I've made, because once I say "no" then it's like I've said no for the last 7 months!

What I struggle with is trying to understand what of his actions/emotions is him and what is BPD?

Koodos to you for looking to fix your M. I wish my FWW would take a front seat in fixing her mistake.

Now for the part you probably don't want to here. You H is no different then most other BS's, and is right. To the BS an A is like a fog, we cant see through it untill you the WS starts to lead the way back. Which means you have to repent for your mistakes before you can even think that he will be able to listen to your needs. The biggest and hardest hurdle is just realizing how much you did hurt your H, and that you probably were hurting it even before the A happened. When you do relize this it means you will have broken down every barrier that you have, took a good long hard look as to why you had the A, and pretty much given up all your freedom (which as far as I was concerned, that is part of getting married, it is telling someone that I am yours forever. Freedom from my W is not an option and never has been A or not).

If you are able to regain the trust you lost then you will see that he may open up to your needs. But expect it to talke a while, recovery is timed in years not weeks.

You may find a lot of bitterness on this site, similar to mkeverydaycnt. Just relize that comments like what mkeverydaycnt said is right, blut and to the point but right. It is all part of realizing how badyly your A hurt the people who care about you.

Last thing, No Contact with OM is imparitave. I can't stress this enough. My FWW sent one email to the OM after his mother died, All it said was "I am sorry for your loss". Iregardless of how sincere the contact was it was still contact. That one email undermided me again, it showd that being friends with the OM was more important than me again. It was basically another D-day for me.

You may find that if you let down your barriers and basically open yourself to humiliation, you may find that your M is better then you thought.

What does it matter? It's all still part of the package of "him".

Actually, there is some merit in the 'fake it til you feel it' approach when it comes to regaining loving feelings for your spouse after an affair. Hopefully some of the other FWW's (former wayward wives) can speak with you about some of that.

Right now, he IS needy after the damage done to his confidence in himself and your marriage. This is NORMAL...it happens to pretty much any BS (betrayed spouse).

You can still use the emotional needs questionairre to list and PRIORITIZE his needs so that you can start meeting them...and at the same time do the same for YOUR needs as well!

Let me ask a BLUNT question...what have you done...WILLINGLY, HAPPILY...to restore/rebuild your marriage with your H since the affair? List it out...it's worth knowing it yourself.

I did end contact with the OM... he went back to his family to work on his marriage... I have though gone back to e-mailing slightly... really only to ask him how he's getting back to 'loving" his spouse... he's in my shoes... so I was looking for advise. I know I shouldn't and I'm working on stopping! We both agreed it's not right! I may be nieve but don't think it's affecting my relationship with my husband... but I'm sure many on here would disagree! I'm not perfect, and have never said that I was... it takes two to tango!

Thank you Wiley for calling out the bitterness... my first reaction was, wow... that was harsh.

How do I really see the hurt I causes? My H says I'm selfish and only thinking of myself. I see the hurt he has, I really do... but I'm not feeling bad yet... will that come in time? Will it come at all? If it's not there, does that mean I don't love him?

I'm glad to get all responses here... even the harsh ones... because of course my friends are siding with me... and saying I need to get out, that I will be happy again, but neither one of us will change... this is who we are.

so thank you all for that!

kg6Blue,

Any contact is damaging to your marriage. Its continuing the betrayal. The person you should be talking to is your husband, not the M-OM.

So in essence, the adultery is still active because there is contact.

The first and most important step is to end all contact (aka as ending the affair).

Jo

The reason I struggle with understanding what is BPD and what is him, is because I'm trying to understand what can change and what can't. will the constant lectures continue? or is that something that can change?

what have I done willingly? I've gone to counseling, I make the effort to go out on "dates" with him... I'm not going exercising with my neighbor/friend as often, so I'm home more with him... this has been another "issue" of ours... he doesn't like my exercise time, as he see's it as time away from him... and any time away from his is "bad" time... so he'd rather me exercise in the basement instead of with my friend.

I'm not the mushy romantic type, he is... I don't want to give him cards (as he asks for) that say things I'm not feeling right now... I don't think that is fair to him or me! I know it's what he wants... but he wants this fixed immediately... I know this process takes time, I've not been rushing it... and I feel that he has!

Kg, I am both a FWW and a BS 3x's over. "trying" to stop C with the OM is not enough. Change your email addy. Change your cell phone number. Give your H your passwords to everything. Confess the latest contact. You cannot go to the source of your H's pain for "help" in getting your love back.

Kg, love is an action word. It is what you do, not what you "feel". Loving actions bring loving feelings. What you are looking for is that selfish, emotional high you got from the affair. That is not love.

Have you read "His Needs/Her Needs" by Harley? I would also recommend as the WS that you read the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams.

If you have ANY contact whatsoever with your affair partner, then yes, it is ABSOLUTELY affecting your relationship with your husband. Sorry to be blunt, but that is the truth. Of course you can't see it. You are still "in the fog". I have been where you are. It is very hard to even imagine that the feelings for your husband will ever come back.....and they won't come back as long as there is ANY contact at all with your OM.

It doesn't matter how he's "getting back to 'loving' his spouse". That's not what you want to know anyway. When you ask him this, you want him to tell you that he doesn't feel about her the way he feels about you - and he'll tell you that because he knows that's what you want to hear.

END CONTACT TODAY. Change your email address. Change your phone number. You CANNOT repair your marriage while you are still maintaining any contact with the OM. It cannot be done.

Kg6blue,

Things will not get better in your M and you will not succeed in building a better you until you permanently establish NC (no contact) with the OM.

As long as you continue to contact him via email, phone, in person, or even morse code; you will not improve your mental approach to your M.

To continue to contact the OM is to continue to belittle yourself, your H, and your family.

Write a NC letter, sign it, ask your H if he approves of it, then mail it to the OM and his W.

It’s that simple.

Was your affair physical?

Why do you say no to your husband when he wants to close to you.....

a man communicates his love and closeness through his sexuality...

why do you reject him..
and can you see the impact of what that message says to him...

I disagree that you need to feel it first..

I think you have to be receptive and giving...and then give yourself in to the enjoyment of it..

I for one never pass up any opportunity

do you iniate sexual intimacy with him....

do you hug him
and smile at him when he comes home...
does he feel welcomed around you..
have date nights at home or out
romance him?

and please please please you must stop contact with the OM....

ARK

Thus the affair continues. Which continues you not being able to address the issues of your marriage. Which means your husband continues to be disrespected.


Why would you want advice from someone that is in your shoes? He is in active adultery to his wife, and you want to know what he thinks!?!? You dont need to talk to someone like that. You need advice from those that have coem through it and are no longer wayward. The OM has nothing to offer you but more pain.


This is an indirect admission that this is an addiction and it is an affair. When you can see this fully, you will end contact. And only then will you have a chance to find the answers that you seek for your marriage.


Yet you both continue to do it. Does this make sense to you?


But you just said it wasnt right. Why isnt it right? If it isnt affecting your marriage, as you say, then why is it wrong?


Of course...because it is affecting your marriage. it is keeping you from getting out of the affair and getting on with finding the answers to your questions. As long as there is ANY contact, your marriage has no hope of finding recovery and a loving future.


No one is suggesting you are perfect. None of us are. What we are saying is that you say you want something, but you arent going about getting what you want. You are actually undermining your efforts to get what you want.

And the "two to tango" response??? That is as foggy as it gets. That is a shot at your husband, when you have not even tried honestly to fidn the answers here and to try to move forward. As long as there is contact...you are not trying!!

Yes, I am being a little rough on you!! But you are pointing your finger at your husband...when you continue to do all of the wrong things here (your admission above). The first astep is to get yourself straight, before worrying about your husband.

I hope you take this in the spirit that it was written.