Yet you continue to betray him with every contact of your OM. That is a fresh betrayal that destroys any chance of recovery. Every contact is a fresh knife in the wound. Adultery is as traumatic as a RAPE, so every contact is like being raped again.

Does your H know that you are still in contact with the OM? This is something he must be told. I would also tell you that your continual contact is what is wrecking your chances here. Every time you are in contact with your OM puts a fresh knife in your H's heart that puts him back to Day 1 of recovery.

There should never ever be contact with the OM again except to send a final letter to him, that is written by both you and your H and sent my your H that absolutely ends all contact forever.

Your first step has to be to stop the stabbing so the bleeding can stop and recovery can start.

You are an active WS until you end all contact with the OM and let your H know of the continued contact. Hopefully you will do the ONLY thing that is right for your M and for the marriage of the OM which you are also disrespecting.

Kgblue,

IMHO you are far from 'so done'...

You really haven't even made an honest start.

First of all, until you PERMANENTLY stop all contact with the OM, you are inflicting more damage on your husband, marriage, and children. The betrayal has not stopped and repair cannot even begin, until all contact with the OM has been stopped AND your husband has been assured of no contact.

You claim that you have been trying to help your husband recover for 7 months? When was your last contact with the OM? When did you AND your husband send the no contact letter to the OM AND the OM's wife? You haven't really even started recovery until then.

You complain that your husband needs you to say and do things you don't 'feel' like doing... You're in a marriage, you brought innocent children into this world; you are not merely going steady in junior high.

Harsh? Absolutely! Adultery IS pretty nasty stuff.

Oh sure you know exactly where to run to get some assurances that you deserve to 'feel' happy...
Stop all contact with the OM and if need be avoid any and all friends who help you excuse or justify.
Your husband's reaction to your betrayal is perfectly normal. It's also pretty common for the adulterers to find allies to act as if the betrayed spouse's response to betrayal is uncalled for. The problem is NOT your husband's inability to pretend he's already all better!

From my perspective all you're doing is the 'well I tried...but he didn't give me credit...so now it's OK to dump him for the OM'... song and dance. Meanwhile the OM is pretending to 'try' to repair the damage he caused to his wife, marriage, family.

And guess what? Your betrayed husband isn't buying it.
How CAN he relax and trust you again when you give even the slightest hint that giving hi what he NEEDS and DESERVES is somehow a chore to you? And how can he believe you really want to save the marriage if you seem to also have a deadline attitude - thet he is not recovering fast enough. That is exactly the sort of attitude that PREVENTS him from believing you care about him! Now he fears that if he doesn't pretend to be over it ASAP you will stop 'trying' and go back to OM.

You complain that you don't 'feel' loving enough to give him what he needs. Please consider that the devastation you inflicted on him is what prevents him from feeling and acting the way towards you that you EXPECT. You refuse to give anything that you don't feel like giving. Yet you are in effect demanding that he give some things to you that he can't possibly feel like giving in the face of your betrayal.

You've got your allies all lined up: the OM, friends telling you that you deserve to feel happy... and he knows it. It is YOUR job to make sure he doesn't feel threatened or bullied by the fear that you will leave him unless he pretends ASAP that he's over the hurt.

Get real, grow up and instead of 'trying' (or pretending) to repair the damage you caused, DO IT, commit to doing whatever it takes, for however long it takes. AND do it minus the martyr-tude. So what if you don't 'feel' like it? And for heaven's sake STOP revealing to him that you don't want to do what needs to be done to make him feel safe and loved again! When you reject him you know full well that what he is thinking is that you'd rather be doing something with OM instead. And you wonder why he hasn't gotten over it yet? Because 'it' isn't over yet! He simply can't (and shouldn't) trust you again if you continue to care so little about his feelings while making him continue to worry about OM.

Great post, Meremortal!

KgBlue,

We can help with all of the issues that you brought up concerning your husband. But it is irrelevent for us (or you) to even try as long as the affair continues. it is pointless and wastes everyone's time.

No matter what your husband does, you need to decide to do right...always. For yourself. Not because your husband has. You must do right irregardless of what he does.

Once you have yourself in order, then we can help you take care of your man.

Very well written and right on spot, Meremortal.

Ever heard the saying that "you can't change others, you can only change yourself"? Obviously it's a truism. And it applies big time here. You can't (and shouldn't expect to) change anything in him. You can only change how YOU react TO him. Now...everyone can learn, and it's entirely possible that he can change...ON HIS OWN...over time if he has the desire to do so. For many BS's, the desire to rebuild the marriage after an affair is the push to make those changes. It may or may not be the case in his...time is the best determiner of that.

But...you can make changes in yourself that are likely to cause him to WANT to change. Change how you react to things he does, so that he'll WANT to see the positive things from you, and hopefully decide to CHANGE HIMSELF. Get the difference here?


OK...so lets establish something. This is going to seem harsh, but I want to make sure you see the point of view here.

You had an affair. You betrayed your husband and hurt him in the most devestating and emotionally damaging way that you can hurt someone you love. Trust me...I've been in his shoes.

And to help rebuild things, all you've done is make the effort to go on some dates with him, and stopped working out with your next door neighbor???

Not quite the kind of things that are likely to help the two of you truly rebuild your marriage. Read up on this site about the kinds of things I'm talking about. Things like:
1. Become an "open book"- willingly open all aspects of your life so that your H can now see that you ARE trustworthy now.

2. End all contact with OM...forever- very obvious here

3. Work to learn the root causes of the affair, and make the changes in your marriage to prevent it from ever occurring again.

4. Recognize the pain you've created in your BS, and 'make amends' for what you've done- read the article on this by SH on this site.

Get the picture? Recovery is WORK...it takes a long time and a lot of effort. And right now, if you're having ANY contact with OM, you're not even at a point where you can START recovery.

Go read the concepts behind the "emotional needs". Or read "The Five Love Languages"...or the cliff notes version of it. Your H needs to hear that you love him in certain ways...just like YOU do. How you say it is AS IMPORTANT OR MORE SO than the words of "I love you".

KG,

Stay with us now. People are saying things you don't and didn't want to hear but NEED to hear. Don't run away. You ran from your M and H and into an Affair. Don't keep running. Stand tall and save your M or at least give it every chance of not just surviving but thriving.

If you truly want to be a FORMER wayward wife and commit to your M you will find countless, good people here ready to help you at every turn. If you want to blame your H for your affair and make attempts at continuing it and betraying him and your family, not mention the OM's family, then you will find little, nay no support for that here.

Does the OM's wife know about your affair with him? Someone asked if it was physical? If it was you owe your H and he owe's his W the truth and all need to be tested for STD's. Can you see how your H may feel when you deny him sex and yet (and if it was physical) perhaps having been giving yourself to another man. Do you see the irony of this?

We are all her to help you EARN that title of FORMER WW.

I hear you all loud and clear. I will end the contact today!

I do want to clear up though what meremortal is saying.

You have it a bit backwards... my husband wants to act like nothing happened... I'm the one saying it's going to take some time to "fix" things! He wants to act like nothing happened... that he didn't kick me out of the house/change the locks/ through my clothes out into the yard/ that the affair even happened!
He wants to "start fresh"... he doesn't want to discuss why the affair happened...
I feel that if I bring anything up as to "why" I chose to let this happen... then he feels like I'm blaming him... which I'm not. But I had needs that weren't being met... now instead of letting him know my needs weren't being met, I let someone else meet those needs. I know that was the wrong choice.
But I still feel like my needs aren't being met. Am I allowed to have needs right now? Or do I need to be the constant giver right now?

He is on the floor bleeding right now. He can't meet your needs until the bleeding stops. There is nothing to give.

And you are not giving. You are still in contact with your OM and lying to your H while screaming "what am I getting out of this!" That invalidates everything you think you have "given." The lying and the cheating must stop. That is not "giving." That is your TAKER screaming.

Asking to address unmet needs is different than discussing the affair. If he doesnt want to discuss the affair right now...then okay.

But you can certainly discuss what it will take to meet each others need and move forward. I am glad to hear that you will end contact today...forever. No checking up and seeing if he is doing alright, etc. It will have to be as if he died.

If your husband had been meeting your needs, then it is doubtful that the affair would have happened. But there are many people that do not have their needs met (especially BSs) that do not choose to have them met in an affair. While you begin to help your husband and yourself get the needs met that you both need, I implore you to also figure out what it was inside you that allowed you to cross that line.

And a little hint as you do so...it had nothing to do with your husband meeting needs!! His not meeting needs set up the environment where it was conducive for you to do this. But the willingness to act upon that rests entirely with you.

I am not trying to beat you up here. Just trying to get you thinking. Because the crossing of that line had everything to do with something inside of you...not with something your husband was or was not doing. I hope you understand what I am getting at.

Now...to deal with your husband...can you get him to come on here???

Trueheart's Letter

Read this,

He was trying to get me to read self help books with assignments (books the MC recommended) but at the time, I wasn't really ready to "fix" things... so I was very reluctant! I don't know if i could get him to come on here or not...

I really didn't think I would be a WW... never in a million years. A bit of background, that may have played a part... I believe my mother had an affair on my father. She stayed married to my dad until I graduated high school... then immediately "hooked up" with her boss... with whom she's now married to. I believe things started before they were divorced. I knew she was waiting and I don't think it was right. I don't want/won't do the same thing. i didn't want to turn into my mom... and my fear is that I did! On some levels at least!

kg6blue,

Thank you for posting your sitch and getting help. I hear what you are expressing and I can picture this as being my WH when he came home initially. You have helped me to understand more clearly the WAY a WS thinks, and how difficult it may be for you to see from the other side of things (BS side). I wish you strength and perserverence on this long, bumpy, ride. Don't give up until you KNOW you have exhausted ALL efforts.

This worries me sick....My now EX WW is still having an A with an old OM (going on 15 months now) and my step daughter who is my daughter and I am daddy since the age of 1 has seen her mother do all of this and my hurt and pain caused from it. She has been separated from her little brother (22 mos) and her daddy both of whom she loves so much because of our custody battle and me having sole custody.

I pray to God that I can influence her in some way to not follow in her mother's footsteps as you have done. I hope that the time I have with her can be life changing and provide other views on handling problems and dealing with one's internal unhappiness.

Thank you for coming back and posting. If you truly do want to recove your M it can be done as long as you understand that at least right now that burden falls more on you than your BH. Read Trueheart's letter above. It does a good job of explaining how you BH may feel (alone, rejected, hurt, betrayed, disgusted, angry and more). I know that there are likely things that he did within the M that helped contribute to an atmosphere that was not healthy for your M but your affair was YOUR affair and can never be justified, never. You have to accept that first.

Perhaps after you have learned what you need to learn here you can convince your BH to come and join the group and learn how to rebuild a new, better M for the two of you.

God bless,

I'm new to this site... is there suppose to be a link or something to trueheart's letter? or am I missing something...I don't see anything after "read this"?
Thanks!

I'm sorry I worried you. I think my mothers affair affected me and I didn't even realize it! I am an only child, and of course I was with my mom more than my dad growing up... so I felt more like my mom's friend than her daughter... I knew she was unhappy... and my dad was very difficult to live with... he's completely changed since their divorce! He's a much happier person now... he didn't want the divorce so when that was all happening... my dad leaned on me to help him through... very tough as an only child. I never "saw" any of the affair... it has just been assumed... my mom has always denied it, and has never discussed it with me... even with all of this going on in my life now... (my whole family knows about what's gone on) And at first my family was very supportive of my husband, feeling that "divorce is NEVER the answer" but then my H became very violent one night, damaged alot of stuff... tried to smash in the door, fought me as I was trying to leave the house, as I feared my safey... it's like he lost control and couldn't stop himself... he now explains it as an "out of body experiece"... after that night... then my family was more thinking... "well... maybe you should end this"... now things have calmed down, he's on different meds (being now diagnosed with bi-polar etc) The family is just kind of there listening if either of us feel the need to talk... the jury I guess is still out on whether we'll make it or not!

As long as you keep open lines of communication with your daughter... and show her the "right" way of dealing with pain and hurt... I'm sure she'll become a lovely happy loving woman!

I wish you luck!

Click the words "Truehearts letter" (highlighted in blue)

The husband here is hardly doing a plan A and the poster is left with the same circumstances that caused the EA in the first place.

There may be no excuse for the EA, but there is a reason for the EA and HNHN suggests that the reason is the husband not meeting meeting her needs. Of course she's balking when he's all needy. Ironically, I'm thinking they'd have a better chance at recovery if he were here rather than her because the advice would be: meet her needs with a plan A, express unwillingness to tolerate the OM relationship when it comes up.

As to advice that the poster have sex when she does not want to..... uhhhh..... I disagree. That's just vile and one step from rape. I'd think that's as likely to cause her to hate him as it is to bring them closer. Resentment at emotionally extorted sex can be huge.

kg6blue,

Welcome to MB.

I'm a FWW, and I KNOW your e-mails to OM are screwing w/ your head.

When I found MB, I was a complete mess. I believed I was losing my mind and for the life of me couldn't understand it.

I'd had several romantic relationships prior to M and none of them left me loopy as my A did.

When I got here and read about "the fog" that a WS gets into I began to understand what had happened and was still happening to me.

After I established NC, I began to regain my mind back.

So start there.

No more e-mails.

Embrace the pain of w/drawals.

That pain is a healing pain, that is necessary to bring healing to your mind and soul.

I felt nothing towards my BH...and I wanted to....I did not want to live my life in a loveless marriage and after reading here I found hope for recovering my love for my BH.

For weeks while I went through w/drawals I took steps EVERYDAY towards rebuilding my M.

I didn't wait for my feelings to come back to me...I pushed forward making good, healthy choices that I believed would bring my feelings back for my BH.

And anything I could do to make my BH feel better about what I did, I did.

I never turned him down for SF.

Ark is right, you must open yourself to become giving.

Doing the right things may not FEEL right, but that's only b/c you've been doing the WRONG thing for so long that your feelings are all screwed up.

Trust me.

If you want your M, if you want to become a better woman, than tell your feelings to shut up and DO THE RIGHT THINGS.

You know what they are.

Also, like you I wanted to know WHY I did what I did.

And I'm beginning to understand why...there are posters here who can help you w/ it. But, I can assure you that your reasons had nothing to do w/ what your BH wasn't doing for you.

It has to do w/ the way you view yourself...stick around here...you'll discover your why.

~ Marsh

PS: Who is the "him" in your sig line? Your BH? Or your OM?

Mebe, they would have a better chance at recovery if she would END HER AFFAIR and stop focusing on me, me, me, me. It is not his behavior that is the problem now, but hers. She can only clean up her side of the street first before she begins looking at others. And that street is very dirty at this moment.

I suspect that once she takes the FIRST STEP in changing herself, ending her affair and taking steps to protect her H from this, that he may be open to recovery.