I have run into many answers to my questions from my WS concerning the affair that involve the response "I Don't Remember".

I would not ask these questions if I did not have a need to know. So my question to WS on this board would be this - how many WS do not remember details of their affair.

My WS had both an EA and PA that lasted approximately 7 months, the PA lasting 1-1/2 to 2 mos with maybe 15 sexual encounters.

Any WS or FWS care to comment?

For my situation, I now assume that "I don't remember" is a lie. Perhaps it is calculated on their part because you're asking about one of those things that you think you want to know but probably don't (I know--it should be your decision what you want to know, but my WW's IC actually told her that she didn't see how specific details could help anyone). On the other hand, it could just be that your WS doesn't want to admit what you're asking and lies about it, because lying is what WS's do (e.g., my WW).

SDG

well in some cases, they really don't remember. My H told my he did so many crazy things it is hard to remember many things. I do believe him. I know that often before recovery his standard "I don't know" was self protection or protecting the A.

As a FWW, I can tell you that though many things even over a decade later are still clear in my memory, I was unable to answer a couple of my H's questions, though I answered "I don't remember" not I don't know.

The "I dont' remember" response is heard alot of the time when a WS or FWS feels all the remorse and guilt that they should and realize the hurt they have caused.

They will not answer more of your questions because they don't want to hurt you anymore than they have already.

krk

They remember more than you think. It is an excuse to have to look at themselves for who they were or are. It is also used to keep you from having the upper hand in the future. They are afraid that you will repeatedley say "You did this and you did that" and again they would have to recall how sorry they had become.

I think that the "I don't remember" is more often "I'm not going to stop and think about it and try to remember".

My wife is a lot like this about ANYTHING negative in her life. She'll say she doesn't remember IMMEDIATELY upon being asked an uncomfortable question like this. It's apparent she's not taking the time to give it any real thought to "see" if she remembers.

It's her way of CA'ing...with herself. She doesn't WANT to remember acting/doing such stupidity. It's not very flattering.

I think that there is truth in what everyone here is saying. First, we FWSs do use the "I dunno" as a self-protective measure. Can't deny that. Second, we sometimes avoid giving a detail because we truly do not want to hurt our spouse anymore. Third, sometimes we really don't remember. I can tell you some generalities about my cybersex escapades, I can tell you some specifics also, but I can't tell you everything about everytime I went online.

So, you are absolutely right to question your FWS/WS assertion that they don't remember, but remember, sometimes even a FWS (not necessarily a WS) honestly does not remember something about which you may ask.

I heard this alot from my FWW - didn't like it and didn't believe it either. I let my imagination fill in the blanks and it was probably worse than reality, though maybe not by much. Point is - the WS should tell all and get everything on the table, death by duck bite stinks and just drags on and on...

V/r,
No way

I think it can go either way.

Sometimes it's self protection..sometimes they may genuinely not know.

I think they are more likely to be self protecting when claiming not to know the "what's" and more likely to genuinely not know the "whys".

Pay attention to your questions and consider the semicrazed state a person is in during an affair.

They are doing some crazy illogical stuff. Once out of that frame of mind a lot of it DOESN'T make sense even to them and they can't access that former frame of mind and think with both WS and Sane at the same time to compare notes.

Do they know whether they had sex or not? Yes they do.

Do they know whether or not they used a condom? Yes they do.

Do they know WHY they decided to do that or not do that? Maybe not.

Affairs seem to upset the space/time continuum thus allowing a person to both regress several decades and age several decades all at once. FWSs often seem a bit lost with regard to dates and times probably because they were largely unaware of them AT the time so a BS may ask "What day did you do this?" and the WS may think "What day is it TODAY?!".

Doesn't this fall under PORH. I mean the idea is to tell your S every thing you know about yourself. If you honestly don't remember, fine, but honesty is what heals the hurt of the lies that were told in the first place. WSs lie to their S; they lie to OM/OW; they lie to their kids, their family and friends and even to themselves. The biggest lie of all, IMO, would be to lie about remembering what is asked about by the BS.

If a detail is not remembered, I can buy that, but if every question that is asked is answered "Idunno," I'm sceptical.

OTOH. if I'm asking questions like "what did you do with him on the night of June 16th, 2 years ago?" Then, maybe, I'm asking the wrong question or for the wrong reason. I don't need to know WHAT was done, I'm more interested in how, as in "How did this person I trusted my life to find it possible to cross the line and do such a thing?" The answer to that may not be known, but is the one that matters most. This is what points to the root cause.

Second most important is, "What are you going to do to make sure it never happens again?" This one must be answered for recovery to be real, IMO. It may not be possible for a FWS to answer this the first time it is asked, but the answer must be sought and found before it can be laid to rest. This is the way that I can begin to trust again. Until the answer to this is in place, I think a WS has yet to earn the stripes of FWS.

So much of it depends on context, what else they've answered, etc.

At first, the few times FWH answered "I don't remember" I just assumed he was lying. But later, if he remembered, he would bring it up on his own. And yes, he did not try to conveniently forget important stuff, at least most of it.

E.g. he was not able to give me an exact # of times they slept together, estimating it at 4-5. But he was able to tell me that the places it had happened were her house and one motel.

And he seemed to be doing his best to answer what he could, though he said alot of it just seemed like a big blur.

On the other hand, SHE could still recite dates, times, clothes worn, etc., if asked.

A friend of mine who is a FWW says that for her, it is much the same. Many things a blur, with some things still standing out in her memory.

Im new to MB but glad to see my frustruation at uncovering the truth is not unique. Ive gotten a lot of "I dont remember" too and given that I asked these same questions years ago when I was suspicious and was told lies (of which I believed at the time) this has proven to be a sticking point for me in attempting to recover. How do you not remember something you spent so much time and energy lying about and covering up. I still dont think Ive got the whole truth...dont know how to go about getting it since much of the advice here has been not to contact OW (multiple OWs). Still looking for advice.

how do you get the truth on A of the past?

Snowmen, I did contact the OM. He 1st contacted me to say he was sorry after I talked to the OMW and explained everything to her - she required he do this. Although he and my W had made up a story of lies to feed to us spouses, so in my instance the contact was useless as the story I recieved was exactly the same as my W's, that how I knew the story was fabricated. I did question him (OM) on specific's

But, I would use any means available to get what information you feel you need, and if contacting the OW is what you need to get the answers...Go for it.

Good luck