were slowly making our way through the recovery process

she said she can't say she's sorry for the EA yet, but she admits that it was wrong. I believe this is a good start. I would like to talk with her on this when were on more solid ground. Is this something that should be done and part of the recovery process as well. I just don't want to bury it and pretend it never happened.

If talking is part of this, how do I or we go about approaching it since this can be very touch ground to be on and I want to do this without any LB's.

Hi L&NH,

Sorry nobody has anwered you... the weekends and holidays can be slow sometimes...

Mrs. RIF had a strong desire to just "act like nothing happened" early on in our rebuilding process. For me, I was constantly focusing on the past and trying to piece together everything that happend during our first three years of M. I dug and dug for details and tried my best to "force" her to fess up to everything.

It took me a while to accept the fact that the past was the past, and focusing on the past wasn't helping us rebuild. As a BS, that was VERY hard for me...

Through counseling with a pastor at our church and MC, I learned that I could help rebuild our M by working on the things that I could control... my anger, my controlling nature, ect. The more I worked on my own issues and improved them, the more Mrs. RIF started opening up...

I eventually got all of the details that I needed to move on and we worked through the past and then at around the 1.5 to 2 year mark, I was able to really put everything behind me and really focus on rebuilding our M.

If you're not in MC, then my first recommendation would be to find a good pro-M MC and start going. Take things one day at a time and don't try to force any issues. Work on your own issues and be consistent... the more consistent you are with the changes that YOU control, the safer your W will feel. For us, Mrs. RIF had to feel safe that the changes I was making were real before she would open up.

All the best to you as you continue rebuilding your M. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

I had brought it up with my W about wanting to discuss the past 3 years and the EA's, to help bring me some type of closure. I had said I wanted to wait a few weeks first since we are on the up and up and just make all the deposits we can in our love banks before we sat down to talk.

I had explained to her that I may not like some of the things she says nor she may like on the questions I ask. I had said this is going to be a learning tool and for us to put the past behind us.

One issue I am still having is a particular music group and a few songs that she does listen to, one in particular. Come to find out that she was telling me that this one song reminded her of me was in actual reminding her of the OM. I know when she does listen to this group her attitude changes rapidly. Like she's in the fog all over again for a few days. very irritating for me. I don't know how to address this at all without stepping on some toes.

We have other challenges ahead of us as well. Were staying with my Dad while we try to get ourselves back on our feet and get a new place. But they are going through their shares of problems and that negative energy just rubs off on us at times. Along with that, my stepmom's kids bringing drugs in the house and doing them really made me hit the roof on Christmas Day. I had my W take our DD and go for a dive with explicit instructions if she was not to hear from me. My dad also caught my step-mom doing drugs with her kids that day as well. Needless to say it wasn't a pleasant scene. I don't know what they are going to do, but I kicked the step-siblings out. My dad or step-mom haven't said two words to me since, but they are still knocking heads over it. My wife understood what I did and was proud that I wanted to keep home a safe environment for them. Were getting our own place in 3 weeks when apts open up. Snow birds will slowly be leaving here soon.

But the music is my next issue to deal with. It doesn't kill me but it does affect me and bothers me at times and not sure how to proceed with out LB'ing and that is something I don't want to do.

Lost

LANH - how long has she been in NC? To bring up the music without LB'ing - tell her how it makes you feel. My wife basically could not listen to her affair music when we got into recovery. Music has a lot of power and a large emotional kick in it. Even now there is music she avoids because it triggers her.

I can say for certain n/c has been since mid July when we moved to a new state. she had claimed it was towards end of may, but i really doubted that. i cant say for certain how long the EA lasted, some things suggested that it went on long long before I had found out about this one. From my my thought, it was 1 week after our anniversary, which would have been mid april to mid may, but well take until july. but other evidence suggest it was probably around december last year, maybe earlier.

Overall things have been better since we moved here. we have been focusing on us, but there has been times she has lost the focus, but i have managed to guide her back. some times she can be very stubborn, but now were making weekly goals and long term goals and meeting with each other to check our progress and hold each other accountable.

On the plus side, she has started listening to the radio show with me. she's already read through HN/HN's and Fall in love, Stay in love. That is where i started noticing a change in her, i think that was back somewhere in mid August. The music is going to be a touchy one for me to address, so I'm going to think about that one for a few days on how to approach her on it when we discuss the EA.

Another question on friends. My FWW's friends in the prev state we lived in still seems to bring her down at times. yesterday she was sad but didn't know why or just didn't want to tell me. either way it was way to funny for me. We had a date night set and was looking forward to it all day. we would text and email back and forth and was all excited on it. When I got home, she was all in the dumps. She did this all the time in the past and I was really thinking this time was different.

anyways, I snooped on her cell phone and saw she had contacted one of her friends in the other state which explains why she's in the dumps. I don't know if there is any information passed on about the OM or not. She had talked with her friends from time to time and the behavior is some times similar but this has been the worst i've seen. Led to her crying all night and this morning. So would this be something like being "home sick" or is this a trigger? What about the friends in the other state. they were an issue in our M causing problems and alot of independent activities and I beleive they were aware of her EA's and tried to mask them. I can't prove that though. I wouldn't have an issue with her talking to them if she wouldn't go into this depression, to where it take like a week to get the momentum back again. How do I handle it with her friends. Cut off all contact completely or handle it different.

We also agreed on talking about the EA's. I asking the questions and her answering and filling in the blanks. Something we both agreed on that we need to close the past out but learn from it as well.

any suggestions would be great. I won't see her for another 6 hours but looking for input before then.