I haven't looked in for a long time.....lot's more newly wounded on the boards.

Update: XH and I had our settlement conference at court on July 31. I didn't think it was going well during, but ended well. The D was supposed to be final on August 5, but XH kicked and complained about several small phrases in the final papers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He was waiting by my car when I went out into the parking lot afterwards. He was crying and telling me how much he didn't want the D. There again, I was UnMoved.

D became final on Friday, October 13. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Since, I have been busily trying to not loose everything I ended up with (since I was unable to refinance the house, etc. until the D was final). All that is taken care of now, and things (financially) are looking up.

My beautiful new granddaughter was born on Sept. 20. I got to be there for the birth! It is truly a miracle.

The only real revelation I've heard from XH is that he called me right before the D was final, and told me he had been thinking about everything, and he decided that none of it was his fault. WHATEVER!!!

I told him that I hadn't realized that it was my fault that he screwed someone else, and then gave me her STD. But, WHATEVER!!

My only real pain now comes when my children go and do things with XH and OW. I don't know how they can be around her. It really does hurt my feelings, especially since they seem to try and keep it all secret. I feel like THEY are cheating on me.

Don't know what to do about it, tho. If anyone has any thoughts, I could sure use a different point of view that the one I have.

Also, I just wanted to thank every one on this board for all the help and support. I whined, cried, complained, etc., and you all listened and gave constructive advice.

By the way, for all you new folks, it really is like Dr. Harley says.......after about 2 years, you no longer care for that person who has used and abused you so badly. It's really true.

The hard part is getting thru it to recovery, or to whatever end is in your future. And then, to finally admit to yourself what your heart really is feeling.

It took me a long time to get there.

And my favorite song for this whole thing ?

"I Will Not Be Broken" - Bonnie Raitt

Hi K!!!!!

I've thought of you many times and was wondering how you were doing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry that it ended this way. But since I followed your story all aong, I know that you gave your best.........



This is what your husband "told you" but I wouldn't trust that this is what he really thinks "deep down". To me it sounds as if he was trying to pass over his "guilty feelings" to make it easier for him to "cope" with the new situation.



I can imagine the pain this causes......this probably needs "time" in order to learn to cope with this situation.

It might help to think that your children are the children of "YOU" and your "XH". They are a part of him and a part of you. This is a fact and it's unique. Everytime they go to your XH and OW, they have the ability to "bring you back into XH life"...................
Remember, your kids have NO history that they can share with OW.

If they want to see their father, they really don't have much of a choice, do they???(without pressuring him) The situation is difficult, mostly for your children.
I myself was in the same situation..............I even had to live with my father and OW. (I'm sure this almost killed my mother inside)

I'm gratefull that my mother didn't "bad-mouth" my father and I'm gratefull that my mother did NOT influence me. It took a few years and OW showed her "true colors".

At the beginning, OW was interesting and I have to admit, I was curious. I didn't want to hurt my mother and therefore, I didn't talk about OW. I'm sure that my mother must of felt the same as you do.
It's strange but I never talked to my father about the whole situation. We never talked about OW and we never talked about their relationship. This was simply "avoided".

Now many years later..............I know why. My father was ashamed and he didn't want to talk about anything......if he would of talked about things, he would of had to admit how low the complete situation was.

But now.............many years later..........I know that OW is simply.....an OW. NOT more and NOT less.

Remember, a relationship that begins as an affair will NEVER compair to the marriage that you and your XH shared.
Even if it appears to be different.........it's what it is.

Hugs
bb

Hi bb!!!

Have thought of you often! Hope things are still going well with you and your H.

I was wondering if anyone would remember me.

Thank you for your point of view on my painful situation with my children. It DOES shed a different light for me.

I try not to say anything bad about XH. The only times I ever talk about him to DD and DS is to remember old, good times.

I think your point of view is very enlightening, and helps me to see my kid's side of it.

You have always been very helpful to me.....this time is no different. When I want to talk to someone about such things, it is usually to look at someone else's point of view. The wisdom of others is worth consideration....everything, and every situation has many sides. I like to see them all.

Now I hope I can help pass on what little bit of knowlege (mostly gleaned from this site) I have to others. Or at least my point of view.....don't know how helpful it will be, but I'd like to give back.

Great to hear from you!

Hugs to you.

K

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Hi again!!!

I will never forget you and your situation, k!

You showed such strength and I could see how you grew throughout this terrible experience. You grew, that's for sure and you have ALL reasons to feel prowd of yourself. Always, remember.............in a situation like this and when we look back..............we all make mistakes!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's a matter of further growth and learning to accept what one cannot change.............this is the tuffest lesson I have ever learned.

It's probably easy for one to move on in life having someone in the background but I wouldn't say that this is displaying that such a person is "strong"...........I'd tend to think the opposite.

I for sure wouldn't want to be that OW............I'd feel as if I would be stuffing a "missing part"..........

OW will never be able to share the history that your XH shares with your children and you..........this will always be a part of "Your family" (excluding OW)...............

except if they want to talk about the "Merry, How did we meet,cheat and sneak around.......time of their life" and share this with your children.
XH and OW history involves nothing that they would honestly want to share with your children and feel prowd about............if they do, have faith, this will smack them in the pants someday...........because when your children have time to think, they'll be shocked what was going on behind their backs.............

Hope that made sence............ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'd for sure NEVER badmouth your XH...............as difficult as this might be...............let your children develope their own opinion. This way, I am sure that they will "open up" towards you and who knows, someday they might tell you what they honestly think because they realize that the situation is safe with you...........

BTW: I even think that "speaking positive about your XH" will eventuelly reach your XH ears...........even if this doesn't happen conciously............I know this is abit cruel but I mean after such a long marriage..........it'll sink in to his head what he really lost............If he only hears "negetive" things, the opposite will be the case..........he'll be happy that he got out!

hugs
bb

{{{{{{K}}}}}}} <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (confused42 waving frantically!)

It great to hear from you! Congratulations on your new grandaughter!!! I hope you are able to babysit often enough to get your fill of tiny toes and nuzzling!

Don't know if you caught my thread or my name change. FWH and I are doing REALLY well and working our way thru recovery.

Are you still taking care of yourself and working on your personal recovery? I kind of pitty your WXH...he is condemned to live the life he chose.

More later gotta go <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi hunny

remember this?

[color:"blue"] Write it out as a battle plan

improve self
get ready to commit to my plan
impliment plan
tough it out
make appropriate adjustments in my attitude
continue keeping my word about my plan
don't make myself a liar by breaking my word
disengage from the triangle
stay clear of chaos and manipulation
be kind and gentle with myself
grieve my losses
celebrate my gains
live my life with integrity
be authentic
[/color]

guess what?

you DID it !!!!

YOU are a success

XWH is a failure
why?
he spent his integrity foolishly

so
hold your head up HIGH

and do not forget to tell the mirror self-affirming things

[color:"red"] MERRY [/color] [color:"green"] CHRISTMAS [/color]

Pep

Hi K!

I think of you often..it's good to see you doing so well.

Howdy, my friend K!! So glad you are doing so well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So glad to hear from everyone!!

bb.....I see what you're saying. And I think you're right. There are too many years we had together that were good. I choose to remember the good, and make the best I can with what I have now.

At least I know that this is MY choice.

Confused!!! Glad you and FWH are doing great! It's good news......

Pep......I still have that taped up on my refrigerator. I still read it frequently.

Noodle...thanks so much, I am doing great. How goes it with you?

And Mel.....howdy!!!! 'Sup girl?

I've discovered a lot about myself.....mostly the fact that I don't really even know myself. I know I'm a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. Different things pop up that make me wonder about myself.....

Like not even knowing what kind of music I like..........it's always been about XH. His likes, his needs, etc.

It's a journey........and I guess we are never too old to start.

Merry Christmas, and bless you all!!!

K

Hi K,

I love Bonnie Raitt's song "I will not be broken".

I am so glad you have found peace.


Sincerely,
k.d.'s heartbeak

Hi k.
just wanted to ask how things are going???
bb