I guess there's something about having 2 feet of snow on the ground, the Holidays and being the only one awake in the house that brings me back to MB. Right now, I don't need my daily...hourly support from my MB friends. Where would I be without Mimi, Pep, Melodylane and countless others? I shudder to think. The last 2 years since D-day have been a painful blur. However, things have changed.

In January, only a couple of weeks after our 30th anniversary, I will be officially divorced. I'm amazed that it takes less time to end a marriage than most people spend PLANNING a wedding. In May, I served STBXCH with papers and told him to "put up or shut up". In July, he finally signed them. Since then, it's been an expensive, lawyer-intensive time of financial reports, appraisals, mediation and parenting plans. Now the clock is ticking towards the end.

Financially, things are good. I keep our house and get enough maintenance and support to live well. I look at my house with new eyes....for now it is truly my house. I'm thinking about the improvements I want to make. For Christmas, I hung up purple lights and lavender tinsel and there's nobody to complain about how "girly" it looks.

The parenting plan was the worst part. Even though STBXCH has barely seen DD for the past 2 years, he wanted to push for 50-50 custody. When met with opposition, he wanted just enough planned overnights to reduce his child support $. Since he lives in a 1-bedroom apartment and has made no effort for the past 2 years to move to a bigger place, there have been no overnights. What kid wants to sleep on the couch? It looked like it would get ugly.

As a teenager, DD was given some say about the situation. She refuses to move between houses and to be shuttled back and forth. She does not want school night overnights with her dad. Like any teenager, her friends, her school and her "stuff" are most important. Her dad hasn't quite realized that she isn't 10 anymore nor that she's not a possession.

Finally, before the whole issue was to set to go to mediation and perhaps on to family investigations and court, DD wrote her father an email. It was one of the saddest things I've ever read. She said she wanted to spend time with her dad but not live with him. She wrote about how he's never been there for her or made time for her. It's a classic case of reaping what you sow. STBSCH has never spent a lot of time or energy on his kids. A good provider, yes and I am eternally grateful for that. In the end, we agreed to DD having dinner with him once/week and an overnight every other Saturday if and when he gets a bigger place. We've divided the holidays. Basically, DD is with me most of the time and that suits everybody fine.

Before anybody jumps on me for not supporting 50-50 custody and more fathering time, they should walk in our shoes. I encourage DD to spend time with her dad. I can't make him show up for band concerts, sporting events and teacher conferences. And believe me, he gets the schedule. I can't make them have meaningful conversations. I can encourage but I can't force. I don't "bad mouth" him and am very flexible. It's up to them to develop their own relationship. Even my adult boys need to do this.

Right now, all of my children are home for Christmas. The boys are home from college and teasing their sister unmercifully. Their dad has made time to see them once in the past week. At home, we're baking, eating big meals and hanging out together. Tonight, is our annual Christmas shopping trip to the mall.

On Christmas Day, everybody and I mean EVERYBODY is coming to my house. For the past 18 years, I have cooked Christmas Dinner for my extended family. According to our parenting plan, DD is suppose to be with her dad and wasn't happy to be away from her home on Christmas. Instead, I invited STBXCH, my STBX inlaws to have dinner with my mom, brother and his family and our kids. It may be weird but it's a start towards civility and normalacy. If divorce is going to be part of our lives, we might as well work with it.

After 2 turbulent years, I feel peace and some closure. I look back at the tearful train wreck I was and marvel at my growth. I feel like I tried everything I could to save my marriage. We talked to 3 different counselors, including Steve Harley. I Plan A-ed. I Plan B-ed. I've exposed the affair. I've written to slimeball OW. I've tried to 180. Perhaps a sooner, darker Plan B could have turned the tide but I'm not going to second guess it.

I feel easy within my skin and happy. This isn't the path I would have chosen but I will make the best of it. After years and years as a SAHM, I like my job and am planning for the future. I'm lonely sometimes but it's nice to have the whole kingsized bed with tons of pillows and the electric blanket turned as warm as I like, to myself. I know I snore but who cares?

STBXCH is a hollow man. I believe slimeball OW is still in the picture to some extend but I no longer care. Thank God, he hasn't introduced her to the kids. I wouldn't doubt if there is always some bimbo in STBXCH life.

The bottom line is that I feel good and healthy. The past 2 years seem like a really bad dream. I've come out of the dark tunnel a stronger, better, happier person. I wish I could say I recovered my marriage but that didn't happen.

Thank you everybody at MB for being there when I needed you, for the comfort and the guidance. There is always hope. We just need to be able to see it.

Grapegirl, what a wonderful post. I hate to hear of a divorce, but sometimes that is the definition of success. In your case, I think it may well be. At least you know you tried everything humanly possible. I am so proud of the courage you showed throughout this whole ordeal. You are a new person!


I agree 100% with your decision and applaud your DD for being honest with her dad. Who could possibly blame her for not wanting to be ripped from her own bed, own room, own house every other week to spend time with a man who couldn't give her the time of day? I would not want to do that, so it really galls me when I see kids pushed into such a sorry situation just to accommodate some selfish adult. I think your arrangement is just perfect.

God Bless you, GG! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your inner peace, and perhaps even moreso, your newly found strength rings in every word you posted.

Good for you!

Happy Holidays,
SD

(((grapegirl)))

Glad to hear from you again.


You may not have recovered you marriage but you did recover something that is just as important. You recovered yourself! You've provided a great role model for your COM. You've shown them how to love, how to stand up for your marriage and your own self respect. You've shown them how to persevere even when things are crumbling about you. You have demonsrated to them what Love, Strength, persevrence, & patience. What a lesson to hand to your COM.

You are a success story for MB grapegirl.

We all applaude your strenth and perseverence!

Stay Strong!

GG,

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Very AWESOME post!

Good things finally/eventually happen to good people.

Things look so much better from the karma bus on that high road.

I could FEEL that peace reading your post.

krk

GG! Merry Christmas to you and your children. Your life is going to be richly blessed, you have a kind and generous soul. God blessings on you.

~amen~

[color:"red"]MERRY [/color] [color:"green"] CHRISTMAS [/color]

take care

Pep

Grape:

It's so wonderful to hear from you at last!!!!

You are such a MB STAR..a SPECIAL LADY!!!

What a loss for your STBXCH (leave it to you to come up with such a thing... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

Have a MERRY XMAS as I know you will...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

GG: Merry Xmas to you and wishing you continued strength and happiness in 2007. Take care. TT.

Great post! Wishing you a wonderful 2007!!!

Thank you everyone for your good thoughts. I feel like this has been a long, painful journey. I appreciate everyone's support.

Our first, nearly-divorced, family Christmas was an interesting success. Odd but not too uncomfortable. If you get enough conflict avoiders together, they will skate over the issues f-o-r-e-v-e-r.

Christmas Eve was beautiful. I'd picked up my mom earlier to stay with us for a few days. I felt deeply satisfied. All my kids were home, the house cheerfully decorated and a light snow fell outside. I spent the evening baking and preparing for our feast as my mom sat at the table and talked to me. The cooking part is the part I like best.

Christmas morning was bright and sunny. The core family sat by the tree and exclaimed at the gifts. Everybody got all the presents they could ever want. Turkey perfumed the air and we waited for all our guests to arrive.

First came my STBXILs, loaded with presents and food. I hadn't seen them since LAST Christmas but it was a pleasant greeting. About 30 minutes later, STBXCH arrived with another large box of gifts and a cooler full of beer. We opened gifts until my brother and his family came. Then, it was time to start the final dinner preparations.

I got everybody organized. My FIL carved the turkey and excavated the dressing. My brother mashed the potatoes and made gravy. The girls set and beautified the table. My boys searched the house for enough chairs for 12 people. STBXCH hung back and drank his beer.

Dinner was fabulous. The wine and conversation flowed. After everyone was full, we popped our crackers (the English kind), put on our silly hats and read our silly jokes. Next we ate too much pie and drank coffee.

At this point, FIL pushed his chair away from the table, stood up and then fell to the floor, unconscious. While he was breathing, he looked pale and deathly. Everyone was stunned. I took DD from the room and asked her cousin and brothers to be with her. This was not something for kids to witness.

911 was called. My brother and his wife calmly put away food and washed dishes while the paramedics worked on FIL. As STBXCH knelt by his father's side, FIL begged him to make his family whole again. FIL was whisked away in an ambulence with MIL. I asked DS#2 to drive his dad to the hospital. A heavy burden but I knew he was the ONLY licensed driver in the house who hadn't had anything to drink.

My brother whisked his family, my mom and DD away to his house. What a perceptive guy! I waited for hours for news. After FIL had stablized and was to be transferred to a hospital closer to home, MIL, STBXCH and DS came home. STBXCH went to his apartment but his mother spent the night with me.

In the morning, we had a good conversation. She looked at the pictures from our trip to Australia and was nice. Before she drove away, she told me how she and FIL had been praying for my marriage. I said "Thank you but it's really too late. STBXCH has made his decision and that's that." She gave me a very strange, wide-eyed, "is that the way it is?" look and said they'd pray for us whatever happened. That day was actually our 30th wedding anniversary.

After a couple days in the hospital, FIL is okay. Perhaps it was a TMA. DD and I visited at the hospital with a card and plant. We had a nice, just-like-old-times talk. They were very grateful we'd come. STBXCH didn't visit his dad at all.

The bottomline: I realized I wouldn't take STBXCH back even if he was goldplated. If I have anybody in my life, they'd better be solid gold and not tarnished. STBXCH is certainly not paying any attention to his father's wishes. There has been no move or even inkling of reconcilation. THANK YOU GOD! He is not a person I care to be married to any longer. I am soooooo over it.

On the plus side, we can all get together and be civil. My relationship with my children's grandparents is back on track. We've taken STBXCH out of the equation. We can forge a relationship that doesn't include or need to be midwived by STBXCH. We are people who've known each other for years and years. We can have a family gathering without acrimony.

This week has left me even more at peace. I feel like I did the right thing inviting everyone to Christmas. It was strange but not impossible. Who knows what the future will bring?

Wow Grapegirl...that was a crazy Christmas! I hope your FIL is ok.

But what is truly amazing is your decision to invite your STBXILs for Christmas. You took a giant leap in healing your entire family by doing that. And it looks like it paid off.The normalcy will be restored with them and your whole family will be better for it. Your kids particularly.

It was an unselfish act. And you should feel good about it.

Whatever comes your way this coming year....you seem prepared.

Best wishes

{{{grapegirl}}}

I'm very sorry about your FIL - I hope that he recovers quickly.

What a great feeling it is realise that STBXCH is no longer wanted or needed!

I can't believe he didn't visit his dad in hospital. What a complete A$$h8le!

You did great with Christmas, though. You are a shining star in your family, and they all know it!

Alph.

Grape..you're SPECIAL!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Wow, GG. What a story, and what inspirational, wise words from someone who has been through the fire and risen from the ashes.

I just hosted entire IL family at my house last night, and WH didn't show. Not nearly the drama of your evening, but similar just the same...right down to the ILs who pray for reconciliation. But the continued distance (if that's the right word) of the wayward never ceases to amaze me...and to read about how your STBX is still "there"....so sad for him and everyone around him. Senseless loss.

I'm so happy to read of your personal recovery. If my Plans A/B are unsuccessful, I'll come back and read your words.

LilSis

GrapeGirl,
What a wonderful Christmas.

You know, someone told me a long time ago that when my M ended (sad that she knew back then it would never work) that I should end it with dignity. I should not stoop to his level.

Hats off to you for showing such grace and dignity. I bet the ILs don't want to lose you. Glad that you're FIL is okay.

So sorry that your M isn't going to work out but, it sounds like you are going to be fine.

You should be a writer (unless you already are!!). I could smell the food and picture your mom sitting in the kitchen with you.

God bless you and your family. Be strong.

Great read Grapegirl. Inspiring behavior, as usual. Thanks for the update, I have silently observed your situation since you came on board and it is nice to know you are doing well(its amazing how this board can bring us to care about the lives of total strangers living on the other side of the planet!)

I am pleased to see you so healthy and with-it!

Cheers.

you are a class act grapegirl.

This story could make for a terrific movie. Reality really IS stranger than fiction.