I guess there's something about having 2 feet of snow on the ground, the Holidays and being the only one awake in the house that brings me back to MB. Right now, I don't need my daily...hourly support from my MB friends. Where would I be without Mimi, Pep, Melodylane and countless others? I shudder to think. The last 2 years since D-day have been a painful blur. However, things have changed.

In January, only a couple of weeks after our 30th anniversary, I will be officially divorced. I'm amazed that it takes less time to end a marriage than most people spend PLANNING a wedding. In May, I served STBXCH with papers and told him to "put up or shut up". In July, he finally signed them. Since then, it's been an expensive, lawyer-intensive time of financial reports, appraisals, mediation and parenting plans. Now the clock is ticking towards the end.

Financially, things are good. I keep our house and get enough maintenance and support to live well. I look at my house with new eyes....for now it is truly my house. I'm thinking about the improvements I want to make. For Christmas, I hung up purple lights and lavender tinsel and there's nobody to complain about how "girly" it looks.

The parenting plan was the worst part. Even though STBXCH has barely seen DD for the past 2 years, he wanted to push for 50-50 custody. When met with opposition, he wanted just enough planned overnights to reduce his child support $. Since he lives in a 1-bedroom apartment and has made no effort for the past 2 years to move to a bigger place, there have been no overnights. What kid wants to sleep on the couch? It looked like it would get ugly.

As a teenager, DD was given some say about the situation. She refuses to move between houses and to be shuttled back and forth. She does not want school night overnights with her dad. Like any teenager, her friends, her school and her "stuff" are most important. Her dad hasn't quite realized that she isn't 10 anymore nor that she's not a possession.

Finally, before the whole issue was to set to go to mediation and perhaps on to family investigations and court, DD wrote her father an email. It was one of the saddest things I've ever read. She said she wanted to spend time with her dad but not live with him. She wrote about how he's never been there for her or made time for her. It's a classic case of reaping what you sow. STBSCH has never spent a lot of time or energy on his kids. A good provider, yes and I am eternally grateful for that. In the end, we agreed to DD having dinner with him once/week and an overnight every other Saturday if and when he gets a bigger place. We've divided the holidays. Basically, DD is with me most of the time and that suits everybody fine.

Before anybody jumps on me for not supporting 50-50 custody and more fathering time, they should walk in our shoes. I encourage DD to spend time with her dad. I can't make him show up for band concerts, sporting events and teacher conferences. And believe me, he gets the schedule. I can't make them have meaningful conversations. I can encourage but I can't force. I don't "bad mouth" him and am very flexible. It's up to them to develop their own relationship. Even my adult boys need to do this.

Right now, all of my children are home for Christmas. The boys are home from college and teasing their sister unmercifully. Their dad has made time to see them once in the past week. At home, we're baking, eating big meals and hanging out together. Tonight, is our annual Christmas shopping trip to the mall.

On Christmas Day, everybody and I mean EVERYBODY is coming to my house. For the past 18 years, I have cooked Christmas Dinner for my extended family. According to our parenting plan, DD is suppose to be with her dad and wasn't happy to be away from her home on Christmas. Instead, I invited STBXCH, my STBX inlaws to have dinner with my mom, brother and his family and our kids. It may be weird but it's a start towards civility and normalacy. If divorce is going to be part of our lives, we might as well work with it.

After 2 turbulent years, I feel peace and some closure. I look back at the tearful train wreck I was and marvel at my growth. I feel like I tried everything I could to save my marriage. We talked to 3 different counselors, including Steve Harley. I Plan A-ed. I Plan B-ed. I've exposed the affair. I've written to slimeball OW. I've tried to 180. Perhaps a sooner, darker Plan B could have turned the tide but I'm not going to second guess it.

I feel easy within my skin and happy. This isn't the path I would have chosen but I will make the best of it. After years and years as a SAHM, I like my job and am planning for the future. I'm lonely sometimes but it's nice to have the whole kingsized bed with tons of pillows and the electric blanket turned as warm as I like, to myself. I know I snore but who cares?

STBXCH is a hollow man. I believe slimeball OW is still in the picture to some extend but I no longer care. Thank God, he hasn't introduced her to the kids. I wouldn't doubt if there is always some bimbo in STBXCH life.

The bottom line is that I feel good and healthy. The past 2 years seem like a really bad dream. I've come out of the dark tunnel a stronger, better, happier person. I wish I could say I recovered my marriage but that didn't happen.

Thank you everybody at MB for being there when I needed you, for the comfort and the guidance. There is always hope. We just need to be able to see it.

(((grapegirl)))

Glad to hear from you again.


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The bottom line is that I feel good and healthy. The past 2 years seem like a really bad dream. I've come out of the dark tunnel a stronger, better, happier person. I wish I could say I recovered my marriage but that didn't happen.


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You may not have recovered you marriage but you did recover something that is just as important. You recovered yourself! You've provided a great role model for your COM. You've shown them how to love, how to stand up for your marriage and your own self respect. You've shown them how to persevere even when things are crumbling about you. You have demonsrated to them what Love, Strength, persevrence, & patience. What a lesson to hand to your COM.

You are a success story for MB grapegirl.

We all applaude your strenth and perseverence!

Stay Strong!

That's what I pray for - PEACE AT LAST.. The outcome doesn't matter anymore, I want Peace in my life and my heart.

You sound like a very strong woman, and this whole adultery thing takes strength..You survived, and 30 years is long time to let go of..

HUGS