Ok, this may be long, but i'll try really hard to condense it.

First of all, my husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. we have a 7 yr old daughter whom is EXTREMELY close to us both. We dated about 3 yrs before getting married. i was a stay at home mom for a while and then finally went back to school when my daughter at 3. I'm not a teacher. My husband use to be a computer programmer but was laid off several years ago since then, he's worked as an exterminator. He HATED his job and so he quit. He went to work for a retail store (kinda like a low-rent walmart)... he's the assistant store manager. he makes half what he did as an exterminator. but we're ok financially right now... for the first time in a looooooong time. we've always had financial problems, but now we're ok. well, my husband has been at this new job for about 3 and a half months. (before I go on, please know that my husband is a youth minister, preacher, and was extrememly active in church until all this. now he won't even think of going to church. i'm not sure he even prays anymore. who knows!). Well... his manager doesn't believe in God. He's not atheist, but i can't remember the word for it...agnostic? anyway;... he is the only person at his job who is married and hardly any of them have custody of their kids. there's only about 8 people who work there, so they're all pretty close. most of the women who work there are about 4 or 5 yrs younger than him. (he's 28, i'm 29). anyway... the day before Thanksgiving I asked him what was wrong because he had been very cold towards me. (we rarely argued. he would blow up about twice a year about how we hardly ever have sex and stuff...). well, when i asked, he told me that he's tired of trying. i asked what he was talking about. he said that he feels like I treat him like a kid and talk down to him. He said that this time it wasn't even about sex. i apologized for acting that way (like i usually do). he said it wasn't good enough this time that every other time, it always goes back to how it was before and i treat him like a kid again and he's tried of trying. We continued to talk about how we were best friends, but when it comes to me acting like a wife, i don't. he said that we have perfect communication, but we act more like roomates. after a long time talking about this, he suggested one of us leave for a while. he said he's always heard that distance makes the heart grow fonder... so, maybe we should. but that's not at all what i want. he said that he'd leave because it wasn't fair to our child to uproot her and move off out of our house. but he has NO WHERE to go.(i dont think we'd ever get back together anyway if we did seperate. and i packed my bags and was about to leave and he stopped me because he didn't want me to take our child out of this house when it's her home and it shouldn't be done to her). (oh, and he's so snappy with her too! he's NEVER been like that. he's always sat down and helped w/ her homework etc.now, he's working from 8:00am-10:30pm EVERY day and he doesnt get paid for more than 40 hrs/wk. so, pretty much, he's work about 90 hours w/ wk and getting paid for 40. go figure!). we sat down and talk to our best friends (or who use to be our BF until my husband completelly turned against them for some reason). they asked if he wanted to stay with me or what he wanted. he said he didn't know. the lady who is our friend asked if he was ready to wake up every morning not knowing if i'm ok or where i am. he said that he doesn't know. she told him that he couldn't leave me hanging and he said that if he had to give an answer right now it'd be yes.... he's ready to accept that. but he said he doesn't know yet. he just keeps on, even now, telling me that he's tired of trying. he's so miserable. i honestly think he's depressed. i dont know why, but he i think he is. we can talk and joke about something on tv, but he has been on the couch since the day before Thanksgiving. he will not even hug me! much less anything else! I hate the people he works with...which he doesnt know that. they obviously know its been 60-soemthing days since we've had sex (yes...he told them) and so they go out and buy him a porno mag!!! HE'S A PREACHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway... he really enjoys his job and likes it a lot. but he's been miserable for a while he said. he said that i've acted like that for 4 or 5 years. (i dont see a it). but he said that in the past few months he's just been miserable..more than 2 mos is all i know. but he's not sure he even wants to work thru it.
I don't think there's someone else. i really don't. but i dont know what in the world it could be!?!?! I've bent over backwards trying to show him my love and it makes him mad and he says i should have done all that a lont time ago. so, i just act like a wife. cook more, clean more, etc. it doesnt seem to be working though.
I need severe help! my christmas is completely ruined. my daughter is starting to sense something...i think. we do NOT argue around her at all. but its like i walk on egg shells. what can i do? please help. i'm sorry this is so long. there's more i could tell...but i'm trying not to make it any longer. i need all kinds of advice!

Hi Failingmarriage

I rwally don't feel adequate to address all the issues you bring up. I was, by my estimation, the one in our marriage who caused the greater hurts and had the worst character traits. Not that my ex-wife didn't contribute to the problems as well. But, as the man of the house, in God's eyes, I am the one meant to be leading, and leading by example.

We went through a rollercoaster most of our lives. Anger was one of my problems and also infidelity. Each time it happened I would be truly sorry and ask her forgiveness and promise to change. And change I did...for a time. The problem was I was changer FOR HER. What I have realised is that change for someone else is difficult, if not impossible, to make stick. I have conquered the areas (with alot of God's help) that pulled me down before, but, I believe, only becuase I changed for ME! Alas, too late to save our marriage, but, at least now, I have changes which have lasted 2 years+ - about 22 months longer than most previous changes.

What I am saying is that, if what you say he says about you is true (not taking sides either way BTW) then look at WHY you are changing or who you are changing for. To make him happy, make your marriage better, or to make you a better person for yourself? Trust me - I've tried for the 1st 2 reasons without success. Until I did it for the last I failed again and again.

One last thing... look at Dr Harley's website. He states that NO ONE is immune from an affair. I didn't think my ex-wife would (we both were/are Christians) but she did and is currently still living with him almost 2 years later. We are all susseptible given the right conditions. I never got maried thinking I would be unfaithful if things weren't going well, but I did.