Ok, this may be long, but i'll try really hard to condense it.

First of all, my husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. we have a 7 yr old daughter whom is EXTREMELY close to us both. We dated about 3 yrs before getting married. i was a stay at home mom for a while and then finally went back to school when my daughter at 3. I'm not a teacher. My husband use to be a computer programmer but was laid off several years ago since then, he's worked as an exterminator. He HATED his job and so he quit. He went to work for a retail store (kinda like a low-rent walmart)... he's the assistant store manager. he makes half what he did as an exterminator. but we're ok financially right now... for the first time in a looooooong time. we've always had financial problems, but now we're ok. well, my husband has been at this new job for about 3 and a half months. (before I go on, please know that my husband is a youth minister, preacher, and was extrememly active in church until all this. now he won't even think of going to church. i'm not sure he even prays anymore. who knows!). Well... his manager doesn't believe in God. He's not atheist, but i can't remember the word for it...agnostic? anyway;... he is the only person at his job who is married and hardly any of them have custody of their kids. there's only about 8 people who work there, so they're all pretty close. most of the women who work there are about 4 or 5 yrs younger than him. (he's 28, i'm 29). anyway... the day before Thanksgiving I asked him what was wrong because he had been very cold towards me. (we rarely argued. he would blow up about twice a year about how we hardly ever have sex and stuff...). well, when i asked, he told me that he's tired of trying. i asked what he was talking about. he said that he feels like I treat him like a kid and talk down to him. He said that this time it wasn't even about sex. i apologized for acting that way (like i usually do). he said it wasn't good enough this time that every other time, it always goes back to how it was before and i treat him like a kid again and he's tried of trying. We continued to talk about how we were best friends, but when it comes to me acting like a wife, i don't. he said that we have perfect communication, but we act more like roomates. after a long time talking about this, he suggested one of us leave for a while. he said he's always heard that distance makes the heart grow fonder... so, maybe we should. but that's not at all what i want. he said that he'd leave because it wasn't fair to our child to uproot her and move off out of our house. but he has NO WHERE to go.(i dont think we'd ever get back together anyway if we did seperate. and i packed my bags and was about to leave and he stopped me because he didn't want me to take our child out of this house when it's her home and it shouldn't be done to her). (oh, and he's so snappy with her too! he's NEVER been like that. he's always sat down and helped w/ her homework etc.now, he's working from 8:00am-10:30pm EVERY day and he doesnt get paid for more than 40 hrs/wk. so, pretty much, he's work about 90 hours w/ wk and getting paid for 40. go figure!). we sat down and talk to our best friends (or who use to be our BF until my husband completelly turned against them for some reason). they asked if he wanted to stay with me or what he wanted. he said he didn't know. the lady who is our friend asked if he was ready to wake up every morning not knowing if i'm ok or where i am. he said that he doesn't know. she told him that he couldn't leave me hanging and he said that if he had to give an answer right now it'd be yes.... he's ready to accept that. but he said he doesn't know yet. he just keeps on, even now, telling me that he's tired of trying. he's so miserable. i honestly think he's depressed. i dont know why, but he i think he is. we can talk and joke about something on tv, but he has been on the couch since the day before Thanksgiving. he will not even hug me! much less anything else! I hate the people he works with...which he doesnt know that. they obviously know its been 60-soemthing days since we've had sex (yes...he told them) and so they go out and buy him a porno mag!!! HE'S A PREACHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway... he really enjoys his job and likes it a lot. but he's been miserable for a while he said. he said that i've acted like that for 4 or 5 years. (i dont see a it). but he said that in the past few months he's just been miserable..more than 2 mos is all i know. but he's not sure he even wants to work thru it.
I don't think there's someone else. i really don't. but i dont know what in the world it could be!?!?! I've bent over backwards trying to show him my love and it makes him mad and he says i should have done all that a lont time ago. so, i just act like a wife. cook more, clean more, etc. it doesnt seem to be working though.
I need severe help! my christmas is completely ruined. my daughter is starting to sense something...i think. we do NOT argue around her at all. but its like i walk on egg shells. what can i do? please help. i'm sorry this is so long. there's more i could tell...but i'm trying not to make it any longer. i need all kinds of advice!

((((( failingmarriage )))))

I don't think there's someone else. i really don't. but i dont know what in the world it could be!?!?!

There IS "someone else." Take my word for it, as one who has "been where you now find yourself."

I know you don't want to even think about that possibility, much less agree with me, but all the "signs" are there of the blinding sin of adultery.

So before going any further, let me ask you about your husband a little. You said; "(before I go on, please know that my husband is a youth minister, preacher, and was extrememly active in church until all this. now he won't even think of going to church. i'm not sure he even prays anymore. who knows!)."

Can you tell me a little about the church, denomination, etc.? Was he paid staff, or volunteering? How long has he been saved?

What I am trying to understand is whether or not you have a Christian marriage or an unevenly yoked marriage, as it will have a direct bearing on advice that may be offered to you in dealing with this attack upon your marriage.

One final thought for now, for you to mull over. "Perception" is often a big culprit in disagreements and in marital problems. YOU may not feel as though you have been treating your husband like a child, but, rightly or wrongly, HE does. And THAT perception is but one of the "rationalizations" and "justifications" that he is using to sustain his current choices. My "advice" on this subject would be to think about how he might have been perceiving things that you don't think "treat him like a child," and remove them permanently from your personality. That is a positive change in YOU, no matter what the final outcome of this current crisis may be.

God bless.

my husband was not paid within our church. he was volunteer basis where both he and I worked together with the youth. he was saved as a young child but rededicated his life about 7 years ago. We started going to church right after our daughter was born. He grew up in church and you know what happends when you're a teen. So, after our daughter was born, we both went back to church. He's always LOVED it. He's always LOVED talking about the Bible and stuff. He loves (loved) that kind of conversation. Many nights we'd lay in bed reading our Bibles together.
Let me know what you think.

Okay, I'll share some thoughts with you.

First, "head knowledge" is not enough. Loving God involves the heart. It involves surrender to God and denial of self when "self" is in conflict with God's commands.

Why do I say that "head knowledge" is not enough? Because even Satan KNOWS who Jesus Christ is. But Satan will not surrender to God. Many humans give "mental assent" to Jesus in many ways, as a "prophet," as a "good man," etc., but they will not accept Him as their personal Lord and Savior.

There is a "passage of loving warning" to all who profess to be Christians. It is found in Matthew 13:3-23, Mark 4:3-20, and Luke 8:5-15. Take out your Bible and read it.

With respect to your husband and his current actions I would direct you to John 8:42-47, James 2:14-26, and James 4:1-10.

Sometimes when we are going through difficult times it feels hard to get the Bible off the shelf, open it, and read the Word of God. But that is precisely the time when we NEED to hear directly from God and what God has to say about things.

Remember, for Christians, the Word of God is supreme because it IS the Word of God communicating to us by the inspiration of God what God wants us to know. It is the ministry of reconciliation that God is all about. Reconciling us first to God and then to others. It is about Restoration. First to God and our personal walk with Him and then to others whom we may have sinned against and who we come in contact with.

The church you and your husband attend has a responsibility to God to be accountable for coming alongside of brothers and sisters in Christ who may have been ensnared by sin with the object of helping that person realize their sin, repent, and return to fellowship. That is the point of Matthew 18:15-20 and "church discipline."

Let me make one thing perfectly clear that needs to be communicated to your husband, in sacrificial love. Unrepentant adulterers will NOT be in heaven. If they will not be in heaven, then they NEVER were saved. As Jesus will tell many who profess to be Christians, "'I don't know you or where you come from. Away from me, all you evildoers!'" (Luke 13:25b, NIV)

"Not everyone who says to me, "Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'" (Matthew 7:21-23, NIV, emphasis added)

failingmarriage, this battle is not just for your marriage, it is first and foremost for your husband's soul. When he repents and surrenders to God your marriage will also heal, if you choose to remain married to him. Either way, both of you will heal, in Christ, as you surrender your individual lives to Him as your Lord and Savior.

Your husband needs to be confronted, in love, with this FACT: "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolators nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." (1 Corinthians 6:9-10, NIV, emphasis added)

But the warning is not the only thing that must be communicated to him. The concluding promise must also be included; "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." (1 Corinthians 6:11, NIV, emphasis added)

So the question that remains is will your husband bend his will to God's will? What do you think? What do you think is needed to reach him with God's Word?

I have a pamphlet called "What Do You Do When Your Marriage Goes Sour?" that I would be willing to email you if you'd like it. If you do, send me an email at mbforeverhers@yahoo.com and identify yourself with your MB name and I'll send it to you. It should be read by both of you if your husband is willing to read anything.

God bless and strengthen you during this time of trouble. Let God's truth support you and sustain you with His promise to you; "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." (Php 4:13, NIV)