i got this email from ow this morning! i would like your opinions on whether or not i should respond.... i feel very numb to it like the words are meaningless. quite honestly, i think she just wants me to justify her relationship with my wh and wants to make herself feel better.

i have also been praying for both of them and i think maybe she is starting to feel some of the guilt??

quik recap on my story, h had multiple affairs, this being the last one. started oct 04, off and on through 05. he left in 05 and immediately started back up with her. she ruined her marriage and mine. she is 26 now, was 24 oe 25 when it started, my wh is now 32. here is email from ow:



I'm not sure if you recieved this e-mail from me, as you once said you blocked my e-mail address so I will send it through here also.

Michelle,

I have been wanting to do this for quite a while, but to be honest with you I was not sure how well received it would be or if you would even care. However, knowing that you do want an apology from me (and you do deserve one) I am doing this now.
My relationship with my ex-husband was not as great as he probably led you to believe. A week before I married my ex-husband I found out some very upsetting news that should have made me call off the wedding, but with all the money spent and invites sent out I felt like I couldn't. There were plenty of other strains on that relationship too. On October 23, 2004 my Grandfather passed away. I was totally devastated. He was and still is my hero and the family member I was closest to. I needed Michael with me that day more than any other. However, like always he chose work over me. That day I decided that I really didn't care about that relationship. I felt "how can I have a family with a man that doesn't care about family"? I'm not trying to make excuses for what I did (there are none), but trying to paint the picture of what my frame of mind was.
Honestly when things happened between me and Jon I was not thinking about anyone else. I never weighed the consequences of my actions or thought that I would be hurting other people. I was so depressed with my life nothing really mattered. Like I said... I am not trying to make excuses and I hope it doesn't sound that way.
No matter how bad your relationship with Jon was you did not deserve what I did to you. Whether or not you loved Jon at that time (if you didn't you must have at one time) you did not deserve to be hurt and betrayed like you were. No matter how you felt for Jon at the time I am sure the pain and betrayal must have been great. The children did not deserve it either. Things should have been allowed to follow their own natural course. For this I am whole heartedly sorry. I hope this can bring some peace of mind to you. I also hope that you and your family have a merry Christmas.

~Michelle

mlhb

It sounds like excuses and justifications more than a true apology. I would normally follow the NC means NC rule, but especially with this half-hearted apology, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of somewhat alleviating her guilt. Either completely ignore it, or give her a quick reply stating that you wish that she not contact you again regardless of whatever halfhearted apology she wants to send. Ask God for forgiveness, and leave us alone.

I might recommend a slightly different response, but that would depend if mhlb really wants her H back...

Here is what i think. You may offer forgiveness, and she can accept it. However, accepting forgiveness means atonement for what she did. How does she plan on making this up to you?

i do not want my ex back! i have moved on and am in a very secure relationship of my own now.

i am going to show it to my pastor and see what he thinks i should do. but i am taking all suggestions into account too as we have all walked in my bs shoes...

mlhb

MLHB,

I agree with above. It is her trying to make herself feel better. Somewhere deep inside her, she doesnt like what she did and who she is. But instead of saying that...and like BO49 stated above...she shows no sign of repentance. Repentance would be stopping her continued adultery.

Of course, you need to forgive her for your own sake. To just lay down what she has done and move on with your life. But I would not even respond to this attempt to make herself selfishly feel better.

Let it lie...and keep on doing great...as you have been.

Something along this line is what I would recommend:


One of the most destructive and painful acts that one human can do to another is to have an affair with his or her spouse. People try to justify their behavior by creating a belief system that supports it. In your case, you try to believe that Michael not meeting your EN for family commitment justified this action.

Married men are out of bounds. You must find love and happiness among those who are not married because to do otherwise is the most cruel and self-centered thing you can do to a woman and her children. It may have been bliss for you, but it was a nightmare for myself. Most affairs don't end in marriage, and most of those that do, end in divorce. Affairs are definitely not the way to find a life partner.

What is most important is your recognition of how much you need a man that meets certain emotional needs. When you find that unmarried man, you will not only find fulfillment in your life, but most importantly, your happiness will not be the cause of someone else's sorrow.

Through my faith, I am able to forgive you and Jon for this horrid act. I appreciate your thought but respectfully ask that you not contact me any further to justify your indescretion.

Well, then, I suggest thanking her for her note, and thank her profusely for taking WH out of your life, as that has resulted in you finding a relationship with someone much, much better. End it by wishing her and WH the type of relationship that they truly deserve, and Merry Christmas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

MM, and all, thank you for the responses.

MM, should i not even respond with biblical principles? i just finished reading "facing your giants" by max lucado and i was simply going to respond with some biblical points made in that book. it was either respond that way or not at all.

do you think not at all is the BEST solution? i certainly will in no way acknowledge or justify that this is anything other than an affair relationship. do you think a "no response" would make her stew more or feel worse? i can just see telling her family "well, i did my part, i emailed her and apologized and she never responded. i can do nothing more, i did my part" and then she just moves on her merry little way...

forgiveness for my sake is what i am working on. like the book i just read says, forgiveness is NOT saying what was done was ok or acceptable in any manner! it just means i am focussing on god rather than focussing on them.

so, is no response really the best angle?

mlhb

Whatever you do, don't give the OW what she is looking for: something from you that will help alleviate her guilt. She is going to have to ask forgiveness from God and do some penance if she wants that.

"I needed Michael with me that day more than any other. However, like always he chose work over me. That day I decided that I really didn't care about that relationship. I felt "how can I have a family with a man that doesn't care about family"?

HUH????? She is involved with yet another man who doesn't care about family. Her actions show that SHE doesn't care about family.

Ignore the email. It is full of foggy statements.

You can make the decision to start working on forgiveness though.

When someone apologizes listing ~why~ they did the bad thing ... they are trying to make THEMSELF feel better .... not you ...


here is how someone apologizes

"I fell terrible I hurt you. I will never repeat anything like that again."

she is young & dumb

if you respond (you do not need to)

you might say

"Your message was full of excuses. I continue to pray for you."

Pep

In her email she said she didn't know if you would receive it because you may have blocked her email.

So unless someone involved knows your name on here and can see that you did indeed receive the email, she has no clue if you ever received it.

No response is required. You asked for no contact from her, she violated that.

In my view, if someone asks you if you received the email from her apologizing for the infidelity, you can (somewhat) truthfully say, "I never received a full apology from her". You did receive a half-hearted apology with a bunch of rationalizations and justifications.

If you do decide to respond, I would make it clear you have forgiven her based on God's direction but you in no way forget her actions nor extend any measure of blessing her direction. You can extend your wish that God deals with her in His time and manner and that you are resting on Him to do so.

I was wondering-

What would be the ideal apology letter from the OW? How would it sound? What would be included?

Thanks
~Saturn

i did choose to respond and this is what i sent. i got the email from her because she sent it to me via my exes email addy.

michelle,
i continue to pray for you.

repentance.
i ask you to open up your bible and read about what TRUE repentance is. repentance is apologizing for something you feel so terribly about that you immediately stop doing the act that caused the need for the apology and you never do the act again. one does not embezzle money from their company, tell the CEO they are sorry for it, and than continue to embezzle money from the company. you will be truly sorry when you end the adulterous affair you continue to have with jon.
you did not choose to wait to pursue jon until after we signed a legal separation, no, the affair continued while he was in texas, the phone calls and texts continued when he got back, and you invited him to your bed as soon as he moved from here. thus, your relationship with him is still an adulterous affair.

you will be in a position to ask for an apology when you end what you are doing that you know is wrong.

i filter all of my thoughts about you through God, he is my focus, not you. i choose to let God deal with you. Romans 12:19 says "God will do the judging, He will take care of it" I trust that he will.

i will once again say that i need you to respect my request to have no contact with me.

LOL

OW called me to apologize

she said... "I wish I could make it up to you."

I said ... "You can" ~pause to think~ "Pay half the cost of what H spent on the affair... I figure he spent $$$$ in 2 years .... you owe me $$."

~sounds of silence~

hahahahahahahahaha

Pep

mlhb,

I would accept the apology but would not reply.

Hating someone or not forgiving that person gives them tremendous power and control over you. Take away that power and control from her and use it on the relationship you are in now.

Merry Christmas

This letter is from an active unrepentant cheater. Its STILL all about her - crafted to make herself feel better about her on-going selfish choices.

As others have responded, I feel your forgiveness of her has zero to do with any letter or contact she may have with you.

I say do not respond. Its not worth the time or effort. It takes power and energy away from you and your peace.

God Bless,
Jo

Michelle - your response email was sufficient. Forgiveness for sin, for adultery, is NOT dependent upon Man, it is the province of God and only predicated (as is forgiveness of all sin) upon acceptance of Christ as both LORD and SAVIOR. I don't see that in her email.

I suspect that the "season" we are in may have been the motivation, because it is "human nature" to want to be forgiven and not seen as a "bad guy/bad girl." "Absolution" or "Undoing" of her choices can't be done, they can only be forgiven, and the "formula" for obtaining such forgiveness has been laid down by God.

Implicit in obtaining such forgiveness is that the person is a "new creation" in Christ. Unless that has happened, she is seeking mere human psychological salve for what she thinks and feels (through self admission) is, and was, wrong. She wants you to apply that salve, and not the Savior. "Do it without God" is not new, but simply continues the original lie that "God didn't really mean what he said."

There is, with true forgiveness, no "penance" or "work" that is needed. It is a gift of God on behalf of the one who PAID the price already, on our behalf.

The "best that you can do," given the circumstances, is precisely what you chose to do...witness for Christ and GOD's requirements for being forgiven for sin to another fallen sinner who, like all of us, NEEDS God. It is hard to do when they have hurt you deeply, but it is what God requires of believers who have been forgiven by God. That is one reason why God gave us the parable of the Unmerciful Servant.

God bless and surround you with His love during this season, and in the coming year.

While you do NOT owe her forgiveness, what you wrote is what your heart let you and that is sufficient. What you choose is ok for you.

In my case, the OW also tried to ask for forgiveness. When she didn't get what she wanted, the other side of her evil self showed up and later false RO charges were drummed up for the drama of it all.

What I see is an OW wanting t/b exonerated for a crime which she will do again when given the opportunity. Her request for your to 'forgive' her is token service at best.

You realize that OWs live on token service. In the fantasy world, token service is enough to build and destroy lives.
So you have given her some words but don't expect a miracle.

If she does turn around it's no great thing....she should have never turned away in the 1st place. Her letter truly did not sound repentant at all. As Pep showed, a truly repentant person would have kept it short and simple for they would know the pain and not have to paint it in front of your face.

The OW is a farce and she stinks.

JMHO,
L.