I have been put in a position as of yesterday to make a decision, which I feel like should be made in the next few days, on whether or not I need to ask my FWH to move out. Since I am so hurt and emotional right now, I need the advice of others here very badly. Warning: long post.

My background……..My H and I have been working on recovering our marriage since D-day, four months ago. The affair actually started about 2 yrs ago and lasted about 8 wks, or so I thought, but figured out yesterday it was more like 3 ½ months.

My H abandoned me and my kids for this online EA for a woman he had never met. They had phone sex/internet sex on a weekly basis he says. The only reason it ended was because he did a background check on her and found out she wasn’t who she said she was. They never met, but he left me for her. After it ended with her, he came back to me and wanted to try again. I never knew about the OW the whole time. We’ve been back together for 1 ½ yrs since the affair but he kept it from me until I found about it, when I found one of his letters to her.

Like a typical WS, he wanted it to all go away and didn’t want to talk about it. It took about 8 wks before he started answering some of my affair questions. He didn’t think it would be healthy to talk about it. It took another month of dragging it out because I had to do it a little at a time because he resented it so much. Finally, about a month ago, he agreed to tell me the whole story from beginning to end of what he could remember. It was hurtful to hear it all ,but also was the biggest step in the healing process for me.

After the “story” was told, he promised me that he would tell me if he remembered other things about the affair. A lot of my questions had been answered with “I don’t remember” and “I don’t know”. Some of my questions he had the answers readily available. He held me while I was crying on the things that hurt me bad then he would continue. I thought this was the real beginning of my healing a month ago. I thought he really got it and we really connected.

The first two weeks after the story was told was really difficult for me because he confessed to me that he told the OW that he loved her. I have been struggling with that all month because I’m questioning his character even more than just that of someone who had an affair. He told the OW that he loved her after only 4 wks and they had never met. Makes you wonder.

Over the last two weeks I started having better and better days. I was really starting to recover and feeling enormous amounts of love for my H. More than I have ever felt in my life, period. He said he was very happy too.

Finally, my problem……I asked him yesterday morning if I could ask him another affair question and he immediately said yes. When he answered me it turned out that it was a different answer to the same question I asked him a month ago when he was supposedly coming clean. As the discussion went further, I found out he lied to me about 4 or 5 very important details. Direct questions like, (me) “Did you have phone sex with her here at our house?” (him) “No, I didn’t have the privacy here”. Yesterday I found out they did have phone sex here and found out he lied to me about other important details. It was not a case of miscommunication. He flat out lied and admits it.

He also flat out lied to me just a few days also when I asked him if he remembered anymore details and he said he didn’t. Turns out he did and lied to “protect how well our relationship was going”. His words, not mine.

A month ago I set a boundary stating our M would be over if he lied to me. I feel like if I don’t keep that boundary I’ll be disrespecting myself. He says he won’t disrespect me if I give him another chance.

He seems to be remorseful. He has been trying to meet my EN’s and has been doing a good job of it to the point of making me madly in love with him. Now he’s ripped my world apart, again, because of his lying. I’m dumbfounded. This is not a stupid man. He’s read countless posts here over the last 4 months telling me full well how he understood how important honesty is to us now. He has totally destroyed my trust in him, again.

He has been lying to me for the past month but claims he is committed and is looking forward to our future. He is upset with himself now and rightfully so. What should I do?

I wouldn't make any decisions right now. Your WH is acting very typically. It is obvious that the affair was nothing more than a fantasy. Now he is lying to preserve the marriage, which is the WORST thing he could do.

Let him know that your marriage can survive the affair, but cannot survive the lying.

Thanks for responding to me on Christmas Eve Believer.

Is it typical for a WS to lie about the details of the affair, if they claim they're committed and doing most everything else right?

mopey, YES, it is very typical.

I think you should give him another chance because he IS trying very hard and is remorseful. He is making stupid mistakes because of FEAR and a LONG HABIT of deceit since his affair went undetected so long. He has to retrain his moral compass, as it were.

He was probably caught off guard by that VERY LOADED question and answered without thinking. I suspect once it was out there, he was really kicking himself but just didn't know how to make it right. He was already in so much damn trouble, he didn't want to compound it.

I think you can get through this, though, with a little more patience. He is scared to death right now and is TORN inside between telling you the truth and getting killed, or hiding the truth and hopefully escaping getting killed. I can just imagine how sickening it must be to tell his wife that he did this disgusting stuff in her house.

Are you beating him to death when he answers the questions, mopey? Because if you are, you are making it harder on him to tell the truth. And I really do think this guy is trying so you should give him some credit.

Secondly, once he tells the WHOLE story, you shouldn't be beating him up with it anymore. If he has done what he is supposed to do, he should not be tortured endlessly over his affair. He should be forgiven.

Now, a note to Mr. Mopey.

Mr. Mopey, I applaud you for coming clean with Mrs. Mopey, but want to give you a word of advice that will save you a crap load of grief. SPILL YOUR GUTS TO HER NOW. No matter how disgusting, how putrid, GET IT ALL OUT THERE NOW in one fell swoop and GET IT OVER WITH. No matter HOW BAD. Take ONE HIT rather than a 1000.

Because I promise you, she will dig it out a tidbit at a time if you withhold. If you withhold any little tidbit, she will sense it and she will get it out if it takes her 50 years. Just like a BLOODHOUND. It will be like dying a death of a thousand cuts. And evrytime she digs out a little tidbit, you will go back to DAY 1 of recovery. Except it will be WORSE with each new discovery because you deceived her. You will be starting over and over and over again until she falls completely out of love and gives you the cowboy boot. [I am Texan, after all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />]

But, if you get it ALL out there now, there will be ONE wound to deal with instead of several and you will begin to heal and move on. This is preferable to opening up the wound every month for the next 50 years after each little tidbit is dragged out.

So, my friend, suck it up and get it all out there before it is too late.

And Mrs. Mopey, help him do the right thing. Don't make it hard for him.

Well said, Mel.

[/quote]He also flat out lied to me just a few days also when I asked him if he remembered anymore details and he said he didn’t. Turns out he did and lied to “protect how well our relationship was going”. His words, not mine.
[/quote]

mopey, can you blame him? You have put him in an impossible position with this request. You are asking him to offer up minute details that will throw you right back to Day 1 and put him back in the doghouse if he brings this up. Who would SIGN ON FOR THAT? This is not a realistic request and is really a form of punishment. Would you want to be perpetually punished if you did something bad after you had done everything in your power to make it right? He cannot be expected to continually drag this up over and over again as he remembers previously forgotten details.

This does NOT entitle him to withhold details when this is being discussed though.

And here it is Christmas Eve, and you are beating yourself up, trying to compete with a FANTASY. Stop it.

There will be lots of work ahead for the two of you, so right now rest up, and prepare for it.

ML....I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Actually, I did both while reading your post. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your honesty. You have given me the best Christmas present I could have gotten this year. I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear your advice to both of us. I think you're right on target.

I have done a decent job in IMO on trying to make things safe here, considering the circumstances and our history but I know I have more work to do. I want nothing more than to get this over with in a safe environment so we can move on.

Bless you for your gift of time and wisdom today. I hope you have a very merry Christmas.

Hang tight, mopey, ya'll will make it! Merry Christmas! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Mopey,
I'd like to add some thing to what Mel said.

You are freaking out because he told her he loved her. Honey, he was not in love with her- he was in love with the fantasy, the newness, the secrecy, the thrill - whatever.

Let it go.

It is not easy - I know.

My FWH declared his undying love- told her she was the most loved person in the world- GAG ME! I read the emails. YUCK!

Anyway, after the fog cleared he told me it was like he was play acting- it was not real. I am sure your husband is going to be the same way.

Like Mel said, this should not be a life-sentence for either of you.

If you are like me, you are going to have questions come up and you feel like you 'have to know' May I make a suggestion?

I propose you get a notebook or a word processing file and write down as many questions as you can think of. Then, give him the list of questions. Make a date with him to answer them. Make a commitment- and follow through - to sit there and hear the answers without reacting and freaking out. It is very hard, but it can be done.

Thank him for this.

Now, I know you may think of other things. Write them down. Wait a week and see if they are really that important. Most of the time, if I waited, the question was really not that important. If it is that important, be honest with him. Say something like: I have a question I would like you to answer. It is important to me to get an answer. Again, promise to not freak out, etc.

As Mel said, the longer you drag this out, the more and more it will be like having D-day over and over and over.

Go on and get the questions out there, so you get the answers and process them.

You can not punish him for the answers he gives you- this stuff is in the past. Accept the answers - move on.

Last Christmas, the ow and the affair were so BIG in my head- this year- they are so small. Time makes a huge difference- that is why you can't continue to drag it out.

have a Merry Christmas.

My situation is similar to Mopeys, my husband lies. I am confused, you say to "let it go" and don't ask for minute detalis. Is is a minute detail to want to know if wh has had sex with ow? this is what i am struggling with. His story doesn't make sense. He says no sex. He said that before and then finally came clean years later. Now we have another situation, girl in his motel room at 1 am. says nothing happened. says don't know why she came.She called him and asked to come over. oh yes she had his cell number. Says they talked about his work on dredges. (she is a waitress). It is 4am Christmas morning and I and hurting badly. How do you get the truth out of them without bringing it up over and over. If I lay it down, he thinks its all over and he doesn't have give any more info.

tryingtobelieve, your situation is not similar to the mopeys at all and no one said "don't ask for minute details."

You should continue to ask until you are satisfied you have the full truth.

Melody,

I don't know how I will ever be able to express the amount of relief, gratitude, and joy you have brought into my life and marriage with your response to my wife (Mopey), and me.

I believe your words are an answer to prayer and inspired by God.

I can only hope to one day be able to help someone else to such magnitude.

My words feel superficial, compared to the depth of feeling they emanate from.....

Thank you...

You are very welcome, WindStopped, keep up the good work. I promise you it will pay off. God Bless! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MelodyLane......Bless you, bless you, and bless you. I just wanted to thank you again.

When my H read your post on Christmas Eve, he could barely make it to our bedroom, where I happened to have been, before the floodgate of tears opened up. The few times in all these years that I have seen my H cry, I had never seen him cry that hard. He ran straight into my arms and just let it out.

This time I held him and told him everything was going to be o.k. We only had a few minutes (meeting 8 people for dinner at a restaurant and we were the hosts) so I didn't get to hold him for too long. It was enough though. He told me there was more to tell me about the affair and was pretty upset with himself realizing his pattern of lying for years. He always hated liars.

As happy and relieved as I was, knowing that it was o.k. to give him another chance, I was DREADING hearing what it was that he had left to tell me about the affair. When I was holding him that night, I told him he didn't have to tell me now, tomorrow or the next day. I told him to tell me when he was ready. So....I kept my chin up and went on with Christmas enjoying every second of it with my H, kids, extended family and friends.

It was the best Christmas ever. Even with the knowledge of the affair. I was in love with my H and he was in love with me. I have never been more in love with him than I am right now. MB rocks!!!!

Last night he came to me and asked if I was ready to hear the rest. Of course I said yes, although I was scared to death of what I might hear. Turns out the few details that were left out were not that difficult to hear. In fact, I was quite relieved that it wasn’t worse than what it was. And you were right Melody, when he previously answered my loaded question of having phone sex here in our house, he lied immediately and then felt like he couldn’t back track. I can only imagine how it must have felt to him….. keeping up with the lies and wanting to tell me the truth because he really did want a future with me.

It’s true; I did beat him up with his answers previously. He agreed awhile ago to let some love busters go unchecked if I needed to vent when it came to affair discussions. Although some of the things I said were very hurtful to him, he sucked it up and that was a gift that he gave me. He let me get out the hurt and venom I felt about the affair. But, no more. I don’t need to do this anymore. Last night, I listened and we discussed. I did not beat him up. In fact, we had a pretty open and candid discussion about his feelings during the affair. I felt like I was talking to a friend in trouble instead of an H who I had been so mad at.

I think now…….we are FINALLY in recovery and I am thrilled at the prospects of our future together. If I can feel this much love for him now, with everything that has gone on, I can only imagine what our future may be like. I am jumping back into my M with both feet and I truly believe that I’ll land on both feet, and on solid ground.

MelodyLane……you have a gift for reading between the lines and expressing it in a way that is easily understood. I hope you’ll always be around to read between mine.

Thank you again and God bless you and yours.

Very sincerily………Mopey.

Moveforward…….I also want to thank you for taking your time on Christmas Eve to help someone you don’t even know. It is such a kind, generous, and loving thing to do.

I am going to take your advice and write down any questions I may have and hold them for a week. If I still need to know the answers, I’ll give it to him to answer when he’s ready. My H read your post and is in agreement with this. He told me last night there’s nothing else he can remember about the affair and I believe him.

I agree it would not be a good idea for him to have to come to me later down the road with more affair details, should he remember more. If I have questions though later, we’ll treat them as stated above.

Good sound advice. Thank you and bless you.

Sincerily…..Mopey

(((Mopey)))
You're gonna do great.

Have a very blessed 2007

Believer…….last but certainly not least. You were the first one to post for me on Christmas Eve and your words were exactly what I wanted to hear. You had the exact same sound advice as Melody. She just expanded on it more. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I feel like you also have a wonderful gift of reading between the lines. You knew exactly what I was doing and told me to straighten up. My mother couldn’t have said it better herself.

You guys rock!!!!!!

Trying to believe.....I'm so sorry you are hurting. Is your H currently involved with someone?

Mopey

mopey, I am so glad it is working out. Usually when a FWS is WILLING, everything else can fall into place with a little patience and understanding. And he seems very willing and committed to recovery. It is just very hard to change overnight so your patience and understanding will help matters tremendously.

Secondly, even though you have a good start on this with all the truth out on the table, be aware that you are just beginning recovery. It will take time for you to recover from this shock.

For me, my anger over the affair resurfaced about once a month for a year, and this is fairly standard. The anger would build up, I would lovebust my H and then the cycle would start all over again.

The 8 month mark was the absolute worst for me, and seems to be a climax for many others. After that, it gets better and better every month until you no longer think about it at all.

I am just telling you this so will you will be prepared and so that you don't make the same mistakes I did by lovebusting your H. The anger, however, is a NORMAL part of recovery. But instead of lovebusting him when you feel anger, come here and talk to us.

Keep up the good work, mopey and WindStopped, y'all are doing just great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />