Call it the "divorce assumption." Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier.But now come the findings from the first scholarly
study ever to test that assumption, and these findings challenge conventional wisdom. Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any
happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.

Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their
marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

The research team used data collected by the National Survey of Family and Households, a nationally representative survey that extensively measures
personal and marital happiness. Out of 5,232 married adults interviewed in the late Eighties, 645 reported being unhappily married. Five years later, these same adults were interviewed again. Some had divorced or separated and some had stayed married. The study found that on average unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed married when rated on
any of 12 separate measures of psychological well-being.

Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier on average than those who stayed married. "Staying married is not just for the childrens' sake. Some divorce is necessary, but results like these suggest the benefits of divorce have been oversold," says Linda J. Waite. Why doesn't divorce typically make adults happier? The authors of the study suggest that while eliminating some stresses and sources of potential harm, divorce may create others as well. The decision to divorce sets in motion a large number of processes and events over which an individual has little control that are likely to deeply affect his or her emotional well-being. These include the response of one's spouse to divorce; thereactions of children; potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, andvisitationorders;new financial or health tresses for one or both parents; and new relationships or marriages.

To follow up on the dramatic findings that two-thirds unhappy marriages had become happy five years later, the researchers also conducted focus group interviews with 55 formerly unhappy husbands and wives who had turned
their marriages around. They found that many currently happily married spouses have had extended periods of marital unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional
neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.
Why did these marriages survive where other marriages did not? Spouses' stories of how their marriages got happier fell into three broad headings: the marital endurance ethic, the marital work ethic, and the personal happiness ethic. In the marital endurance ethic, the most common story couples reported to researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With the passage of time, these spouses said, many sources of conflict and distress eased: financial problems, job reversals, depression, child problems, even infidelity. In the marital work ethic, spouses told stories of actively working to solve
problems, change behavior, or improve communication. When the problem was solved, the marriage got happier. Strategies for improving marriages mentioned by spouses ranged from arranging dates or other ways to more time
together, enlisting the help and advice of relatives or in-laws, to consulting clergy or secular counselors, to threatening divorce and consulting divorce attorneys. Finally, in the personal happiness epic, marriage problems did not seem to change that much. Instead married people
in these accounts told stories of finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage.
The Powerful Effects of Commitment

Spouses interviewed in the focus groups whose marriages had turned around generally had a low opinion of the benefits of divorce, as well as friends and family members who supported the importance of staying married. Because
of their intense commitment to their marriages, these couples invested great effort in enduring or overcoming problems in their relationships, they minimized the importance of difficulties they couldn't resolve, and they
actively worked to belittle the attractivenes of alternatives.
The study's findings are consistent with other research demonstrating the powerful effects of marital commitment on marital happiness. A strong commitment to marriage as an institution, and a powerful reluctance to divorce, do not merely keep unhappily married people locked in misery together. They also help couples form happier bonds. To avoid divorce, many assume, marriages must become happier. But it is at least equally true that in order to get happier, unhappy couples or spouses must first avoid divorce. "In most cases, a strong commitment to staying married not only helps couples avoid divorce, it helps more couples achieve a happier marriage," notes research team member Scott Stanley.
Would most unhappy spouses who divorced have ended up happily married if they had stuck with their marriages?
The researchers who conduced the study cannot say for sure whether unhappy spouses who divorced would have become happy had they stayed with their marriages. In most respects, unhappy spouses who divorced and unhappy
spouses who stayed married looked more similar than different (before the divorce) in terms of their psychological adjustment and family background.
While unhappy spouses who divorced were on average younger, had lower household incomes, were more likely to be employed or to have children in the home, these differences were typically not large. Were the marriages that ended in divorce much worse than those that did not?
There is some evidence for this point of view. Unhappy spouses who divorced reported more conflict and were about twice as likely to report violence in their marriage than unhappy spouses who stayed married. However, marital
violence occurred in only a minority of unhappy marriages: 21 percent of unhappy spouses who divorced reported husband-to-wife violence, compared to nine percent of unhappy spouses who stayed married. On the other hand, if only the worst marriages ended up in divorce, one would expect divorce to be associated with important psychological benefits. Instead, researchers found that unhappily married adults who divorced were no more likely to report emotional and psychological improvements than those who stayed married. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

Hope that you will take the time to read the above - I know, it is hard to get through.

This has been posted here before. Last year my boss was headed for divorce. His wife moved back to Texas with his 5 year old son. She was done. He took off his ring.

I talked to him a bit, and he said there was no hope at all. So I printed out the whole article - 36 pages of it, and gave it to him. It's hard to talk to your boss, so nothing else was ever discussed.

But after several months, his ring went back on. His wife came back. They are together again and happy.

Do you mind if I copy and paste the original post to another Discussion Forum, or would it be better if I just post the link and have them come and read it here? Where is the original article posted?
I am off to church but will check back later....

MERRY CHRISTMAS

You can look up the article under American Values. I'm not a good techie, so had a hard time copying it.

In our society, we don't want to think about enduring, but turns out that is the best course. The article gives all of the references. Of those who ENDURE, most are happy 5 years later. Most of those who get divorced are not happy.

Merry Christmas B and may you have a wonderful New Year.

Hope your family comes around, rings you or let you know they love you heaps.

As for the article ... yes it says it all. Mum has told me the secret with living with my dad for so long was to say 'Yes Dear" and I bet that is dads answer too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know shes not exactly happy but yet not unhappy either right now ... gave her lots of my books <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> and told her a well planned seduction never hurts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> how the worm turns, its usually me getting that advice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Tell mom I miss her posting. Your family is always in my prayers.

I know that you know the meaning of enduring, as do many others here that have recovered their marriages.

Been thinking about this over the holidays. I also did some reading on the "other" site. So sad. The OP is also doing a lot of "enduring".

I'm wondering how we can help the BS get through, and still have some love for the WS. Plan A is good, showing the WS that the marriage could be saved, and be a better one. But it usually doesn't work.

Then comes Plan B, where the BS goes into a protective mode. Plan B was both my salvation and undoing. After months of giving in Plan A, it was a relief. But Plan B is also dangerous. The BS has not had many love deposits, and the bank is running low.

Then there are months more of no contact with the WS. I think this is the most precarious time for the marriage. The WS will learn to be alone, make a better life, and start healing.

But when the affair ends, as they usually do, the BS may have healed so much that they no longer want the WS.

That is what happened to me. It is what happened to my ex's OW's husband. Heck, OW even moved back home, and has been there about 6 months. But he asked her to leave last weekend.

It is so sad that it does come to this sometimes. Sad, but true.

really?

are you surprised?

Pep

No, Pep, not surprised. OW's husband has been going through this for 3 and a half years. I tried to get him interested in MB, but it was not for him. He got back from Iraq, got a job, and continued raising his daughter.

OW has done a lot of bouncing back and forth between my ex and her husband. Their divorce was final about a year ago.

I suspect that an uncredited element to the issue may just be basic character or nature.

People who tend to be happy or complacent or able to compartmentalize enough so that one unhappy piece of their lives doesn't corrode the whole thing..tend to be that way in MOST if not all instances and tend to pull back to that position as a default even if they go through a *period* of unhappiness.

People who don't or aren't tend to be that way also and revert to that position regardless of periods of happiness or an expectation that changing A or B will change their lives and their feelings about their lives.

I have noticed this to be consistent and true with all sorts of things for example people I have known to go from being SAHM's to working moms who expected their stress level to go UP [and were suprised that it remained about the same] and also working moms who became SAHMs who expected their stress levels to go DOWN found they just stressed about different things...but at about the same approximate level.

Very often imo people who leave their marriages may actually be trying to leave THEMSELVES for a shiny new fantasy self only to be disappointed later both with reverting to their former habits/tendancies/level of happiness or unhappiness AND they have also made tremendous sacrifices to accomplish this [loss of marriage, stability for children, assets, stability for self, companionship, mate being childrens parent, etc for miles and miles].

In a nutshell it is my opinion that unless you really NEED to leave the marriage [abuse/addiction] it is probably a mistake and you will probably regret it.

Exactly, Noodle -


"Instead, researchers found that unhappily married adults who divorced were no more likely to report emotional and psychological improvements than those who stayed married"

Only difference is there is a long line of bodies in their wake.

good thread Believer

Thanks for the interesting read.

There appears to be a popular assumption that "good" marriages are the result of "good matches"--rather than the skills and effort on the part of each spouse. As if just meeting the right person is all you need for eternal emotional happiness.

For me, a healthy marriage is like a healthy body. To have one, it takes some sacrifice, practicing good habits and investing time and energy.

Great point, Ahuman.

Noodle's post really resonated with me and in my opinion describes the situation with my STBXH nearly perfectly. I do believe that he was really trying to leave himself more than me. He's always had a bit of a "grass is greener" mindset,about many things. I've not posted my story here in detail - I mainly lurk - but in a nutshell he had an affair when I was pregnant with our third child, who is now 12. I didn't learn the truth about that relationship until 10 years later - Dec. 2003, though I knew something was up at the time. I really only found out then because he was then starting to get involved in an emotional affair. He moved out Aug. 2004, came back over the holidays, left again, and went ahead and filed for divorce. This was all a bit complicated by the fact that we were overseas at the time (2003-2004). I'm sure I could have done more, but unfortunately, I'm now about at the place that I am not too interested in fighting the divorce anymore. I don't like it for the kids' sake, but overall I'm happy with my life now.