I have been trying to cope with finding out about my WH"s second affair- I found out a month ago.We've been married 20 yrs and have 3 kids- two teen girls and a 9 yr old. I immediately filed for D after I found out but WH has really been on the fence since then. He comes over most nights to see the kids and asks to have dinner here.Part of me is hopeful we could recover our marriage so I didn't limit how often he comes over after work. But due to the paperwork of the D he has to sleep elsewhere. I found out this wk that 'elsewhere' is OW's apt!( the paperwork my atty. filed says he must vacate the family home and stay vacated. But I haven't enforced that so far.) He asked if he could spend the entire Christmas wkend at our house and I decided he could because he loves the holiday so much- and part of me hopes we might reconcile. Anyway- I found a receipt in WH's wallet from his buying an expensive TV a few wks ago. I was secretly hoping he was planning to give it to me for Christmas- he usually splurges on all of us. But when I opened my gifts this morning there were just a few inexpensive things bought at the last minute. I asked him where the new TV is- he said "well it is at OW's apt but I didn't actually buy it for her!" That really set me off and I started screaming at him to leave right now and get out of my life! My two teen girls heard this unfortunately and begged me to let him stay for the day.So after I calmed down a bit I am letting him stay for today but in separate parts of the house from me. I am in extreme emotional pain and have been since I found out a month ago about his second affair. It was so hard and painful trying to recover from the first one. He says I never did forgive him which led him into this second one 5 yrs later.The first affair dragged on for 3 months after I found out about it due to WH's waffling back and forth between us. How much should I limit contact with him starting tomorrow? I know he wants to see the kids but I just can't look at him being in so much pain. I feel guilty and terrible that I snapped on Christmas morning and caused my girls to cry. I have apologized to them for it. I am not usually one to act out in anger. Any thoughts? lifeismessy

Hi LIM,

Sorry for his stupid pain but you know it isn't your H but that horrible WS.

Given that state of being, do you and the girls really want the WS in your home or your H? It maybe a good time to sit the girls down and let them know their father has 2 faces. They can help you decide which face to allow in your home. Once you have their consent to only allow your H into your home, you can tell the WS he isn't welcomed there but your H is. I also told my WS to go FIND my H and when he would come over I would ask him at the door which character he was at that moment. If he was the WS, no matter what was planned, he was kept out. He learned quickly to check his WS attitude at the curb. I didn't even want the WS crossing my lawn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Make this decision as a family. Your H needs to know he is supported but the WS needs to know he isn't welcomed.

As for his spending and your screaming......you were right to be very upset. Make sure that TV doesn't come back into the home. Instead when your H comes home, sell the TV. It is a bad trigger for you.

JMHO,
L.

"I asked him where the new TV is- he said "well it is at OW's apt but I didn't actually buy it for her!"

Well now, that would have set me off too. You might start thinking about Plan B. Get a letter ready, finances in order, etc. Then go very dark.

Thanks for your replies. You are both right. My lack of setting firm boundaries with WH has led me to where I am right now and that is a very painful place. At least I finally had the guts to tell WH how I really feel! I've been afraid to do that even until today. For years I've been dealing with a genetic anxiety/depression disorder and it actually has caused me to panic for both times I've had to deal with WH's ongoing affairs. I don't have family nearby so dealing with WH and his bad behavior is all up to me now. Once I get thru today I think its time for him to be a WH who has very little 'family time.'

Lifeismessy, I know we have our own faults and reason's for how we do things in life, but your WH sounds like he hasn't accepted teh fact of what he did in his first A let alone his Second A.... Don't let him control you like that, or your girls. I have 3 daughter's and the last thing i want to do is set an example of allowing their mother or anyone else use them as a doormat. Remeber WH is the alien, an alient that may never return your H but that is for later now be strong for your kids

You can let him have lots of "family time" - with his kids. But if you go to Plan B, he can't spend any time at all with you.

life,

[color:"red"] Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions[/color]

NEVER


EVER

Dear LIM, I was immediately reminded of the film "Love Actually" reading your post. Have you seen it? The wife finds in her husband's pocket a beautiful heart pendant just before Xmas, but when she opens her gift on Xmas day, her's is a CD! It stinks that he is spending your family's money on OW and you had every right to your anger on Xmas morning. As this is his second A, I would not wait long until Plan B. He needs to see some action from you to prove you are serious. 2007 is just around the corner - show your girls that their mother is a strong lady who is about to take a firm stand against their father's infidelity. They WILL understand. God bless, TT