Posted on 12/21
For background info see WW Change of Heart in prayer request.

My wife is in a very fragile state right now and in depression. She just last night was broken enough to give up and try to work on our marriage. We spent about an hour together last night where I only Listened(big step for me). Then I went and picked up our oldest daugther and came back to my wife's temporary home and we sat down and watched a movie together. Before the movie started my wife got up and came over and sit on my lap, put her head on my shoulder and slept through the whole movie. I got up after the movie and put our D to bed and put my coat on to leave and she asked "can you just stay a little longer?" I said of course what do you need? she said "you and you to hold me" I said it would be a pleasure and then she slid up on the couch and I laid down behind her and held her. I woke up way late and got up to go home and she said thanks and I told her I would call her tomorrow and I love her.

Does anyone have any ideas on something I can do to help her get out of this depression?


Posted today
Well I thought I would be moving to recovery but I have no idea what is going on in her head. She is now saying that there are no feelings and don't think there ever will be. In the book Surviving an affair Harley speaks of withdrawals. I wonders if this is where she is or if her and the OM decided to lay low through the holidays and then pick back up. I don't know and looking for help because I am so CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's that rollercoaster HB. Terrible ride!!

Sounds like she is on the fence right now..tettering,,and you are keeping her very unsteady with your continued Plan A. Keep up the very difficult hard work. You did good!

It sounds like you should remain in a very strong Plan A for a while yet, as she's vacillating between her feeling for you and the OM.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

Have you fully exposed the affair to anyone/everyone who could/would be a positive influence on convincing your W to end the affair?

Is there any way she'd move back in with you to allow you to work Plan A full time, rather than from afar?

Give us some more information and there'll be plenty of help. These forums are slower during the holidays, so be patient, at least till everyone get's back to work after the first of the year... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> LOL!

Best wishes,
SD

ParanoidHB,

You need to put a link to your full story in your signature line so the folks here in GQII can get caught up to your story. I believe that you have done a good plan A. However, plan A only works 15% of the time. Your WW still has feelings for you, but the OM poisons those everytime he sees her. I think you have done a good job convincing her that you have changed. However, now she is cake-eating and getting her needs met by both parties. It is time for plan B. Change your thread title and get some of the pros on this forum to help you out with plan B. I think that if you did an effective plan B, your WW would finally have the incentive to break free from the OM's grip. I don't have any experience with plan B, but there are plenty on this board who can help you. Even with children you can plan B, but it will usually involve a legal separation agreement, and since you live at the marital home, are the primary breadwinner, and your WW exposes your DD to OM, you should push for sole custody of your child. This would likely snap her out of her fantasy world. I know that you don't want to do this to her, but sometimes tough love is necessary.

jmwc95

How can I do that signature line link?

I am currently reading Surviving.

The A is exposed as much as it can be. Everyone knows but she doesn't seem to care.She has the mind set "i want to be happy"


I don't know anything for sure I just have a real bad feeling about today. Maybe its me thinking to much.

You really need to finish reading "Surviving".

Tell us specifically to whom you have exposed.

All WS's have the mind set to "be happy", but they really are not, they are very confused and unhappy.

Maybe the bad feeling you're getting is that it's taken you so long to read "Surviving".... just kidding!

Seriously...finish the book. Look up the thread here in General Questions II entitled the "carrot and stick of Plan A". Move over to the Just Found Out forum and read the first 4 threads. Read, learn, accumulate knowledge, and empower yourself to do what you can to help this affair end.

Stick around the GQII forum, as there's more action here, with many more posters that can help.

Best wishes,
SD

Her family all knows, The ones she works with and the church family and pretty much word of mouth got it everywhere else. Plus they really don't care by going places to eat together.

I am almost 100% sure that the A has started back. She denied saying anything she said last Wednesday night. Even what she told my D.

I just so confused and at a loss on what to do. I have turned this over to the Lord so his will can be done. I am so tired of being hurt and seeing my D hurt. I just can't deal with it anymore.

Give Steve Harley a call. Yeah, it may cost $185, but he will give you the best advice at how to proceed. I personally think that she is going to sit on the fence until you stand up and plan B her, but that is what consulting with SH is for. It is well worth the investment. Trust me, he will know what to do, and it will pay off. I personally think there is a lot of hope for your situation if you know how to proceed.

Forgive me for asking but who is Steve Harley. I thought the guys name was williard Harley. Can you tell I am confused???

Steve is Willard's son who runs the counseling center.

Steve is the son, and does very well on this stuff.

What is the OM's situation?

The OM is my ex BIL and he is just another snake in the grass. He says he want to go back to his now 2nd ex wife and kids but never does. I think my WW is now determined to make it work because she is in so deep now.

Sin cost you more than you want to pay, Keeps you longer than you want to stay, involves more than needs to be involved and distroys more than you ever thought it could.

If that's the case, the OM will eventually show his true stripes. What you need to do is give your WW more reason to stay with you that to make it work with the OM. Shell out the $185 for SH and get yourself a plan. It will make you feel a ****** of a lot better that you have a plan and are actively taking steps to get your WW to return to your marriage.

How can I get in touch with SH

Click on the link at the top of the screen that says "Counseling Center."

What can I do in the meantime? I am sitting back doing nothing and my WW is out with another M who she thinks she loves and will do anything to prove that to me and the rest of her family who are all mad at her. It is causing more and more resentment from both sides of the family and I feel like my hands are tied. She doesn't see what she is doing and nothing anyone does lifts her from the fog. I received a deed of separation and property assessment from her lawyer. I now have a meeting with my lawyer to go over that and I feel that I have given up. I know God is able and working but why must we go through times like this in a marriage? I just don't understand!

(((((paranoidHB)))))

I understand what you are trying to say. The "answer," which you already know, is sin. The "answer" is that Satan likes little more than he likes to destroy a Christian marriage, or any marriage since marriage was instituted by God. In that sense it's not much different from the "why me" question that we all face to one degree or another during our lifetimes.

All I can tell you for certainty is that God "allowed" it to happen. What God plans to come out of it I can't say, other than to say that a Christian's response in times of trouble should be to turn to God for His love and support and the working out of His will in our lives. It will generally drive you closer to God as you realize that "we" really are NOT "in control" of things, despite what we might have thought. It brings into sharp focus just how destructive SIN of all types is and what it cost God to make forgiveness available to us, sinners all.

I can tell you that it has taken me from a lackadaisical belief to a much closer walk with God. It has done the same for my wife as she had to face God, and me, with what she had chosen to do. What God gives us more than anything else is HOPE in things "beyond us." What God promises us is total forgiveness in Christ and healing that comes from a closer walk with Him as our Lord and Savior.

It is NOT easy. That's why there are so many warnings against sin and the potential consequences of sin. But it is not impossible. Nothing is impossible for God, unless we are fooling ourselves.

Remember, too, that God is the one who has promised believers that He will lead us through the valleys of the shadow of death....and the shadow of death of your marriage, as was mine...is real.

God bless and wrap you in His arms of comfort and peace while the storm rages around you.

If I may ask How long was it before your W turned back to God. It seems as if my WW is running on all cylinders trying to make this A work. I know that God will not bless this A but I can't help but think why is God allowing it to go on so long? All I know is that through this God has brought me closer to him and I desire to do his will daily. I just can't seem to understand why it takes so long.

There's a host of mere mortals on this website wondering the very same thing.

Perhaps it's to allow us to gain sufficient wisdom to change those things about OURSELVES that were selfish, indulgent, or otherwise not condusive to a healthy marriage. Now, I don't go to church every Sunday, but I sure changed a lot of my behaviours that were counterproductive to a happy and healthy marriage. Funny thing is...it seems to be working!

SD