LOL... thanks... some takes I should just be receiving advice, rather than giving it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

These forums are amazing, and sometimes I want to just blow off an entire day and just respond to every post. They are also very addictive, so I have to be careful not to spend entire evenings here, perhaps making my marriage vulnerable again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

SD

SD,

It's so easy to misunderstand stuff on message boards.

The other night I was kidding M2L about something and then I worried for a day that he was sore at me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

I'm sure your wise enough not to spend all your time here. I want to thank you for your help with my sitch. You keep me going sometimes

Thanks agian,
Maybe2Late

You are very welcome. It's so easy to post, and once you've read a few thousand posts you have a pretty good grasp on Harley's philosophy, and how people might apply it in their own situation.

In my case, as probably with everyone here, the pain is so deep from the discovery of an affair, it prompts people to try to help others, just to save them from silly mistakes, and try to get them on track for the "easiest" path towards recovery. Truth is, though, the "easiest" path is still filled with emotional strife which many of us have never experienced before.

I didn't find MB until 5 months after D-day and made so many mistakes it wasn't funny. Those that find MB before they confront and have coaching all the way through are so much better off than those that don't. They just don't "realize" how lucky, because the pain from the affair is just overwhelming. For me it's sort of a pay it forward thing, I guess.

This is the most genuine online community I've ever experienced. I was totally blown away when I first posted and people I knew nothing about were giving me tremendous support. Unbelievable...support you cannot even get from family and friends, because they don't understand what needs to be done.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling... bless you all!

SD

I know that feeling, I found MB a little to late and then didn't realize how much it could help. I trusted in myself to get things right. Then I realized I could do it on my own, I started praying for help and realized that I was fighting a spiritual battle and not a fleshly battle. Then As my trust in the Lord grew I came back here and read post instead posting and saw that there were more in the same sitch. I still have trouble att times just like this afternoon but with the help of a few good friends, I was able to handle the whole thing calmly. I hope that sticks.

Now for the good,bad and ugly. My DD told me that she has been begging WW to come home. WW told her "I don't know, probably not." MIL told me that she begged WW on Wednesday to go home and comeout of this funk, WW told her "BS wouldn't let me and that BS hated her for what she has done." DD overheard it while MIL said "yes he would because he is at least trying to live right and has seen what he has been doing and has been turning from it. He talked to me the other night and told me things he was working on and trying to correct himself and I admire him for his stance and not giving up on you when everyone else has, he hasn't." DD chimed in with "yeah Mom He prays for you all the time and he prays for himself that he will become the Man, Husband and Father that the Lord would want him to be." WW said "Is he still praying in front of you?" DD said "nope." This all came from MIL and DD said she told WW that if she kept on doing this that DD would bever live with her. WW said you daddy is going to find him a Girlfriend soon. DD said "know what Mom he told me that he already has a GF." WW said "what" DD said " yep he told me she was pretty,smart and he loves her very much" WW said "Do you know who it is?" DD said "yep momma its you." WW said nothing.

Still have not heard from WW since 5:45.

Now if that didn't part the fog a little, what will???

Sounds like it was a very timely conversation, and your WW got to hear the truth "from the mouth's of babes"

Good time to make a long stemmed red rose a gift to her, just for grins...

SD

From what MIL and DD says it had no effect on her the next day or the next.


I might do that before I have to take her back. But I plan on no contact unless she call me.

HOLY FOG SPRAY BATMAN!!!

I've got chills here.

That's awesome!!!

No wonder she was so cranky tonight!

She's feeling the pressure!

This is excellent stuff, PHB!!!

It really is!

Just keep on working your plan.

Try to work on making or buying something for WS together.

Maybe you could pick something up at the ski place you're going to? Or maybe you could let DD pick out a pretty, soft blanket for her mommy. Something that shows you are encouraging DD to love her.

~ Marsh

Oh, it HAD an effect! Just not one they could see. I guarantee it did!

~ Marsh

I forgot one part of todays events. The OM has stated on a couple occasions that he might go home. When my DD cried to come home today my WW made a statement that MIL chimed in on, it went something like this..
WW-are you going home
DD-(screaming) yes then went running across field
WW-guess she wants to go home
MIL-(sarcasticly) well that makes 2 near you that wants the same thing don't it.
WW- Silence and <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />cut eyes at her mom like she could go thru her.

I thought that was funny. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Remember this... it's not any ONE thing that happens while you are in Plan A that makes a difference...it is EVERYTHING you do, and that happens while you are in Plan A. It is the cumulative effect. Like straws on a camels back...Your wife just hasn't receieved the last straw to break the back of the affair....yet!

Plan A your A$$ off, it pays off in the long run.

SD

Ouch!

It's awesome that her family is on your side!!!

Do you mean that OM is thinking about going back to his W? Is that what he meant when he said he was thinking about going home?

~ Marsh

yep that is what meant. I think he starts to feel guilty then WW does something to keep him at bay. Sje is very strong willed and will not give up easy when she thinks she is right. She will try to convince everyone she is right and prove that she "loves" him. The fog will lift eventually and she will see all that she as done and then is when she will be broken and guilty. I think Guilt is the main reason she hasn't came back home other than her will.

pHB - When the fog is thick, but the sun has risen and the sunlight is warming the day, how long does it take before the fog begins to thin and to finally dissipate? What happens to the timeframe when clouds (i.e., the OM) roll in from time to time, temporarily blocking the sun?

And don't underestimate the "power" of your daughter's words. They are telling your wife, contrary to what all WS's try to think, that the children will NOT be "okay" with it and will NOT be "just fine." Thank God for what your daughter has been taught and that God uses the "simplest things" to confound the wicked(sinners caught in selfishness).

God bless!

See what a good night it turned out to be!!!

****Here is a clue - your ww won't be asking your DD questions IF she didn't care at all.*******

It's very good that your MIL is talking to her.

Point to make - your ww thinks that she can't get on the path home because you will never have it or her. We need to let her know that this is not true. Ideas from anyone???? It's early and I just woke up.


The no effect part - Like Marsh says, it DOES have effect. Here something my wife told me.

"M2L, I never thought I would want to be with you again, but the changes you've made are great and why didn't you make them before?" I can't answer that, but it worked.

SD - you told me that is was like adding to a 401K account. A little at a time and it adds up.

over all a good night.

Me too!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Plus, it's hard to change things that we didn't know were wrong! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What about a "Plan A" letter? "Dear WW, I know things have become pretty crazy between us over the last ___ months, but in spite of all that's been said and done, I still love you. I am still very much in favor of giving our marriage a chance, and I'd like to think you might feel the same way. Why don't we take the time to write down what each of us believe we need in our marriage, and meet for coffee one day and discuss this? We both know we loved each other with all our hearts when we got married, and we didn't nurture our love as we should have. We also know this would be the best for DD8. Are you willing to meet me to discuss these things?"

Maybe a really dumb idea.. but after what transpired yesterday, she may be open to the idea.

Gotta get ready for work....ugh!

SD

I like the idea of a Plan A Letter. Problem is DD said the WW throws the letters away without reading them. I have to find a way to make sure she knows that I am open to reconciliation. DD said WW also erases text messages. I thought about sending a text to her that simply says I don't hate you or I would take you back.

Side note OM's W came by my house a while ago and said that she don't believe they will ever come back. I told her I think both are miserable and only fighting to hold on right now because of the guilt they both feel. She said she heard from a good source that my WW made the comment that "we both know we are wrong but we have gone to far." I told her the guilt will set in and to keep holding on a showing him love. She said she didn't want to be compared to my WW and she didn't know if she could ever trust him again. I said trust will be big but if you put your trust in God he can and wants to restore all things, including trust.

I don't know what I should do today because we are not going skiing as planned because of all the rain and warm weather. I am trying to find us something else to do right now. I will figure something out that DD will talk about to WW and make her miss those times.

I also found out that he does not have his kids this weekend as planned and I guess that explains why WW didn't want DD last night.

So what do you think about the text message idea.

Just b/c you can't physically see God working on her, does not mean He's not. As a matter of fact, the things you CAN'T see are usually the ones more powerful & long-lasting.


Needed repeated. Hi SD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Yes it is awesome that her family is on your side. I think it makes it harder for the BS when the WS' family has the notion "whatever makes them happy". I remember when LB was deep in the fog, his brother (whom I'm very close to) would always mention my name around him. LB would get angry & tell him that he was no longer w/me & he would appreciate it if brother would stop mentioning my name & talk about his new "relationship". His brother took a stance & said "Never." I remember a specific time that LB was complaining about his OW. He said she didn't understand his jokes. (See, he's a sarcastic smarta$$!) & she took offense at something he was joking about. His brother just looked at him & said, "Well ST would've understood & laughed w/you. She's known you for 15 years, OW's known you for what, 2 seconds?" And plus, his brother was a constant for me. He would have conversations w/LB & then report back to me what those conversations were & how this whole A was affecting LB & how he could see him longing to come back home.

Please utilize her family as much as you can. They're around her a lot more than you are, so they will be a great asset. Continue to show them what an awesome guy you are & how the changes you are making are permanent. They'll start to tell her how stupid she is for giving you up. And also, it's really important that they do not allow this OM into their homes & let her know that they won't tolerate hearing about her "new found love" YUCK any longer.


And if her family stands firm, it won't work. Yes on your 2nd part there. She WILL be broken & guilty & even might suffer in silence for a while, but eventually she will see no other alternative but to come back home, hopefully a humble woman before God. Have you been praying the Hedge of Thorns prayer around your W?

SD, I like your idea of a letter, but I'm afraid that it might be too soon. It's kind of like pushing it a bit. I don't think she's ready to hear that yet. Actions are going to speak a whole lot harder than words right now. The words usually go in one ear & out the other. And at this point, I'm afraid that she won't read it anyway, just toss it. Just my humble opinion.

My $.02 -- N0! Every time I told LB I loved him & wanted things to work between us, he got annoyed. She knows. Believe me, she knows. Maybe you could instead pray that W has a good dream about you that makes her smile when she wakes up. I also have some prayers that I prayed regularly inserting LB's name into them if you want. Remember a W is sanctified through her H.

Most diffenantly. Send those prayers and I will use them. Right now I feel that God wants to put our M back together and that is his will. WW just don't want no part of God right now.

As far as the text message I was only going to let her know that I was open to reconciliation