pHB,

you never answered Mr W. here. Take the A house away and where does she go? Make it hard on her to have the A.

Hadn't thought about it that way. She told her mom that she would move in with OM if needed. I don't want that.

This is getting over my head a little and I hope more of the Pros come along, but it is not always a bad thing for this to happen.

WHY? HOW CAN THAT BE A GOOD THING?

If they live together then OM has to all things all the time with your wife. They live in make believe right now. They are playing house and it's all fun and no work.

Living together will be work, bills, helping with homework, yard work - just life things that will make OM not so great.

Think back to when you dated someone new. All things were good, fun and carefree. You would go out and have a good time and your date wouldn't have to help you change the oil or things like that.

See where I'm at on this?

Others can explain it better than I can.

You have a point, M2L, but that will give PHB less time to work a GOOD solid Plan A.

Maybe it would be better to save that for when he gets to Plan B.

~ Marsh

I said I was in over my head here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

So lets file this for the future pHB

What about a reply to her email. I think that Mr.W has a very good reply. I have one I have wrote but his is short, sweet and to the point

From my own sitch:

I did something like this and my fww told me "you just don't get it M2L, we are over and done - move on." She saw it as me trying too hard and being desperate, I think.

Sometimes you need to judge your wife and sitch. You know her better than we do.


Others????

pHB - since you requested input, I will offer you my opinion so that you may consider it while deciding what to do.

No response. Nothing. Period.

SHE sees her "struggle" as being with you. It is not.
SHE sees her desires as being justification for doing whatever she wants to do. They are not.

Let's visit her email to you in a little different light, and perhaps you'll understand why no response is required or needed by you. All that is required by you is to stand for her as Jesus stands for you and all who are sinners.


"There once was a girl who wanted to be free from a relationship that she had no desire to be in. (Sounds eerily similar to the thoughts of a certain angel named Lucifer)

Her heart and desire was not there anymore and even though she cared for [God] she had no desire to be around this person or his family who she has tried to get along with.

She has suffered enough over the past 15 years. Instead of [God] giving her the freedom she desires he continues to torture her and her children. Hasn't this girl had ENOUGH?

If you love someone you will let them GO! [For God so loved the world (including this girl) that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.] (God did not "let them go," He gave himself sacrificially, out of genuine and deep love for those who were "lost," even though no one wanted his help)

Because with or without you she WILL move on!" (So, too, thought Jonah and the "world" in general.)


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you received from God? You are not your own; you wer bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." (1Corinthians 6:19-20, emphasis added)


pHB - I know it is hard, very hard, because you love her. But NOTHING coming out of the mouth of someone lost in adultery is intended to do anything but gain acceptance for what they are doing. It is, and you know this if you step back and read and listen to what she says, grounded entirely in selfishness. When the "Taker," as this system calls it, is fully incontrol, ONLY what is the perceived "interest" of the individual is considered or acted upon. The "Giver" has no place.

Let Christ the "Giver of God" be your guide.


God bless.

If you want to reply to her, then I'd go w/ Mr. W's reply.

But, I agree w/ others who said her e-mail is not worthy of a reply.

PHB, you're going to have to learn not to respond to everything she does. She's used to getting a rise out of you by what she does to you. She's trying to CONTROL you....feed off of you.

You don't have to get this right now...it's all a process...part of your journey through this.

I'm just happy to see you coming here and asking for opinions. You have so many great people posting to you and encouraging you.

You're gonna make it!

~ Marsh

I think you don't need to hurry any response. Let her stew for a while. Then when your ready fire away. You know it's not what you say that she'll remember anyway.

Mr. W response is good. What have you got so far?

I really like the part where Mr.W said that if OM really loved her He would let her go back to her God-Given Family.

Oh yeah, I will post mine in a few.

I member posting a thread of my own that said:

I will make it even if I get D.

I came to the point where I changed enough inside to feel better about myself and my sitch that I no long needed my wife, I only wanted her.

That was the point where my wife said that she noticed my changes and felt that she may miss out on the new man I had become.

As Marsh says, it is a process and you are doing fine thru it. It is hard, but many have been down this path before you and have come out better - much better.

STOP reacting to her words. Act on yours, you can only control yourself.

Let me ask you a question as if you and I have been long time friends.

Are you going to jump, react or reply every time your wife says something hurtful?

I was in the Reaction mode. I thought the more I did, she would see and realize what she is doing. I see now that didn't work. That is why I came here instead of firing back. See I have learn something. I know its gradual process and I will have to work on it daily. Hopefully one dat when this trial has passed I will be able to come here and help others as all of you are helping me.

As far as my reply, I canned it. IT was to wordy and sounded needy and anxious. I also was forwarded what WW sent to everyone on the list. I did not receive this for some reason. here it goes:

"There once was a girl who had been in a marriage for the past 15 years of her life. She done everything for this man. She maintained the vehicles, she cut the grass, she kept the house in order, she did all research to be able to have children and when they couldn't have children, she persued adoption by herself! All this man had to do was sign papers. She went to court alone for these children, she spoke to birth parents alone for these children that she so desired! She dealt with all social workers and persons involved. These people knew her but had not yet met or spoke to her husband. This wife did all reasearch to buy homes for this family, all he had to do again was be there to sign papers. When they needed a car and could not afford a new one, this wife researched and bought alone a wrecked vehicle.

Once again this man did not have to pick up a phone and call one person, nor did he have to pick up a part or call about a part for this car. The wife did it all without a THANK YOU! This wife did alot of things for this man including encouraging him to go to his grandparents house every Sunday for lunch for the past 15 years because all his family would be there and she knew how much they wanted him to be there. This wife did this even though she knew this family did not and has never accepted his wife. They never spoke to her when she came in and looked at her funny everytime she spoke. This wife cried to her husband about this because it hurt her so bad. The husband did nothing or said nothing to his family about how they treated her over the past 15
years. But the wife continued to do the right thing and continued to encourage him to go every
Sunday in spite of her hurt. This wife slowly but surely lost all respect and love for this husband. She spoke to him numerous times, she wrote him letters and his parents letters and spoke to counselors about this matter. When he was encouraged by this counselor to write his parents a letter explaining his wifes hurts and his concerns it took him months to write it and send it to them, she wasn't sure he sent it at all! Where has been the protection, the love and concern for his wife, the leaving of his mother and father to cling to his wife all these years? Now there is no love left for him, no desire to be with him and she leaves. He tells their 8 year old daughter that her mother is doing the wrong thing and is going to ******, he tells her that her mother has chosen not to be with her and has left her. Their daughter is caught up in the adult conversation of her husband because he refuses to stop telling her all these things. He does not realize the affect of his actions is going to have on her. She yells and screams at her mother constantly and tells her mother what her dad says. He tries to take the 8 year old away from this mother who has taken care of this child since she was born by herself. He disrupts the daughter at school when the mom ask him not to. The mom has to call the counselor of this school down to talk to the husband about what he is putting his daughter through.
He has proclaimed that he has changed like hundreds of times before and that he is walking with the Lord, but I have to wonder. This mom realizes her faults but still wants to continue to move on without him. She prays for peace for her and her children without all this hatred. She prays her husband will get the help he needs and is able to move on also. This wife has suffered enough and is going to move on with her life. "

What do you think of this?

I think your wife should be a Saint - in her mind.

Your wife is playing by the WS book and rewriting your M history. Nothing new here.

Conflict in her mind. Trying to justify her A by writing this stuff. Poor me, me hurt, me sh1t upon for so long - I deserve this good time A.

ALL CRAP

I think there is much you can glean from that letter, PHB.

Much that will help you in Plan A.

Please don't reply to it or do anything right now.

When I have a min. I'll post more of my thoughts about her e-mail, but I think it could be used as a road map BACK to her heart.

Hopefully others will give their opinions.

Please don't do anything.

~ Marsh

I agree.

She's full of resentments that led to her feelings of entitlement.

She's got SOOOOO very much to own.

~ Marsh

pHB,

you can also take this letter and use it for your road map for Plan A.

Marsh - were you going for this? I see it plain as day now that your pointed it out.

Your wife just told you many things she doesn't like about you. You can use it to work on bettering you in each way that is even kinds true. pHB, I'm sure some of this is true, not all, but you can't be perfect.