Ok I am sitting here thinking about what next. And I am drawing a blank. Has anyone ever been to the point where they just don't know what to do. I don't know whether to go one way or the other. I do know that I want my M to work out, but what if she doesn't allow herself to see the change in me. what if it didn't matter. I know what direction I want to go in my life and I want that to be with her. I am thinking of changing my name to confusedHB because I don't know what is next. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

From what I've read here most judges are sympathetic to the BS and will issue an order that the child of the BS does not have to be in the presence of the OM, at least not until a divorce is final.

Be proactive and get a lawyer to advise you on your rights. Take whatever steps are necessary to see to it that OM cannot be in the presence of your little girl.

In the mean time, you and your daughter need to get busy painting. Sitting around "just thinking" will take you to dark places. You don't need those dark thoughts right now.

Hang in there pHB. It's tough, and I know because I've been right there with you.

SD

Observation...that story DD8 told about holding her down and "tickling" her likely won't play well in court and deposition. A good lawyer can make that appear pretty physically manipulative and controlling. An 8 year girl sitting there smug because she knows he is an adulterer and an interloper should not be "assaulted" and made to laugh. I imagine your daughter felt very upset and helpless at that moment. That kind of "phyicality" along with the threats you have documented should make this case quite simple. Simple doesn't mean easy. Nothing is guaranteed in court.

Additionally, addicts don't respond at all to threats. I don't think you are going to manipulate her at all with threats...however, she IS manipulating you by making you fear following through with your threats. I think you should follow through with action. I know you don't want to do this. This isn't your choice causing you to carry out lawsuits to fight for your family...the lawsuit is merely a consequence, result, a "but-for" of WW choices. It is NOT your fault.

As far as the adoption process...do you currently believe WW to actually be a fit parent for that child??? I don't. If DSS takes him/her away...then that is God's plan and WW consequence for her actions. YOU will obviously be hurt by the fallout. You obviously want this adoption too...but at what cost. Your family. Your DD8. Right now...DD8 needs you to do all you can do to protect her from OM and WW.

Finally...from a strictly legal point of view...and advising you without emotion and your best interests. Do you really want to still adopt this little child age 1? and subject her to years of potentially going back and forth between divorce parents (if it comes to that AND you get limited custody). Plus if you get limited custody somehow you could have to pay a lot of child support for the next 17 years (where dd8 only 10 years more).

Just thought of this too...with such a young child, courts are a little more likely to gender bias and give the mother primary custody...then, in an effort to keep children together she wins primary custody of DD8 as well. In many states a 12 or 13 year old can have a lot of say about where THEY choose to live. It's not absolute but the judge will way the child's wishes when considering the best interests of the child. If the young one, then 6 or 7 is still around the court may still award WW custody to keep the kids together despite DD8's wishes.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Plus who knows what DSS will determine with regards to the child. You are merely pursuing your legal rights and protecting your family. Such "action" by you may make you appear MORE worthy of adopting the child and IF WW moves fast enough off her affair addiction the adoption MAY still be salvageable. That is not your choice but hers. Infidelity is everywhere...it shouldn't preclude you from an adoption at that point in time.

Thanks SD it is tough. I know it is the toughest thing I have ever been thru. I am going to talk with lawyer on Tuesday but I just don't know what to do next, you know.

If not for the posters on MB I would really be going crazy. Do you happen to know a success rate using the MB principles? If I could set a goal I would probably be better off and maybe that is what SH will do for me.

There is nothing dramatic you can do tonight to save your marriage.

Your next dramatic move is protecting your DD from being around OM.

Then your next one will be talking to SH.

Most of the time, you will just be plugging along doing what the rest of us are doing. Fulfilling our responsibilities and living our lives.

What your WW sees or doesn't see is irrelevant to the choices you make.

Now stop fretting and go and do something positive for yourself or DD.

~ Marsh

I also hope you documented WW's discussion with you today at YOUR home.

I mean...her claiming, "I should have had you arrested last night" for stalking...when talking calmly to you the very next day in your home just demonstrates how she would consider it quite OK to manipulate the system. The "stalking" laws were NOT established to protect a wayward spouse in open spaces blatantly flaunting their affairs.

It's just craziness. Standard wayward stuff.

Carry on...paranoid. Don't change your name to "confused"...that name, in it's variations has been overused.

Mr. Wondering

Reading about that "tickling episode", gave me the creeps.

Great post Mr. W.

I agree w/ all the points you made, especially about WW manipulating PHB.

PHB, you REALLY need to forget about trying to get her to agree and let the courts handle this.

~ Marsh

Had this thought too.

DD8 needs to be reassured

She likely tried very hard to hold that laugh in FOR YOU.

When she burst out laughing when being tickled by OM she likely felt that she betrayed you as well.

In retelling the story to you...she likely felt guilty and was looking to you for reassurance that she didn't do something wrong.

Also...she could be exaggerating to you as an attempt to force you to act...to protect her from OM.

The whole spanking story and this potential story could be your daughters attempt to manipulate the situation. Her own effort/plan to bring mom and dad back together. Somehow (I don't have the words but it needs to be expressed carefully and with love) DD8 needs to know that you have a plan, God has a plan and she need only be a good kid. You both need to trust HIM. Also, that this situation is in no way her fault and it is not her responsibility to fix it. (that's not telling her she HAS to be nice or like OM because she doesn't if that is HER choice...however, she doesn't or shouldn't be mean or dislike him FOR you...she's a big girl). I'm not certain of that last sentence.

Mr. Wondering

That has been done. I forgot one part of the conver. She asked why can't you just move on. I answered I still beleive in our marriage. I remembered that when I was writing it down


Ok I won't change.

thanks for the advise in the other post also. I can see that side of the story also

I talked with her about that and I beleive it is probably time to purchase cell phone for DD


I know she is trying to bring us back together. I have talked with her and tried to reassure her this is not her fault and she just needs to be a kid. she still will carry the hurt around.

I remembered another thing WW said today. She said OM was tired of being threatened by me, MIL and BIL and that was why he acted. I said why did he have to call his brother and give him all the numbers to do the dirty work. She said because he his tired of this whole sitch. I said well, he needs and knows and wants to get out of it. I said that because OM has wanted to go back home quite a few times. Probably a LB but it felt good.

Imagine how it make a father feel.


I kinda hope SH puts me straight into Plan B but I will wait and talk to him. I will do the restraining order on Tuesday to let them know I mean business and I am no push over. I also think that it me end up involving his kids as well. I know that when his 3 kids go back to their mothers they will have a lot to talk about.

pHB,

I agree with every word post by these people here tonight. They set my a55 straight. I said the same exact things you are, but I never gave up. Too scared of these people here. LOL

At one point my wife told me straight out"M2L, I don't love you, never have and never will. We had M problems and then I fell in love with another man. A great man and better than you." Boy that hurt, but remember it is NOT your wife saying this it is your WW saying it.

How do you make it thru this. One day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes just one sitch at a time. It is damn hard to do, but ca be done.

Oh, you are not ready to give in yet. Why? You keep asking questions and you keep trying. You will know when it is time to stop - its not now though.

Call your lawyer and Steve and take it one day at a time.

The reason I post is b/c I know the pain. Just went thru it this summer and fall. IT WILL BE WORHT IT IN THE END.

Stay true

Did anyone have an answer for this?

I have, PHB, which is why I hadn't said anything before about it. I didn't want to add to your stress. I only did tonight b/c I wanted to back up Mr. W's point b/c I believe w/ every fiber of my being that you need to keep OM away from your DD.



Good.

~ Marsh

I know I am not alone but I sure feel that way.


My WW has said alot worse things than that. But as she told me today "where is the BS I know" and I answered "where is the WW we all knew"


Just trying to make it thru it is hard enough. Sometimes I feel like the fight and worth it. Especially if people start getting hurt.


Just a bad couple days I guess has got me this way. I will hopfully be back tomorrow


Tuesday can't come quick enough!



I sure hope so, because I am sure am getting lonely. I don't have any friends that aren't married and that makes it worse.

This is GREAT...she is noticing a change in you. As an addict she WANTS and NEEDS the old you that she can blame. Good job...thus far.

As far as the MB odds...100%

100% that if you stick to the program YOU will make it.

I can only ballpark the odds of saving your marriage. Just a guess based on statistics I read in the last couple years from various sources. Something like 80-90% of marriage survive infidelity. Of the say 15 in 100 that don't and result in divorce only about 4-6 of those affair relationships result in an affair marriage. Of those 4-6 affair marriages only 2-4 of them last more than 5 years.

Even if you fail to save your marriage fighting MAY also pay dividends for your family. YOU may facilitate the destruction of the affair relationship before they get married, procreate, OM gets access to your DD8, etc. which will make you more happily divorced, your daughter not subject to OM and actually save your wife a ton of grief. This is not to mention she MAY come to repentence and seeking forgiveness a heck of a lot sooner (before it's too late for her) without OM in the picture.

Don't spend so much time worrying about whether you have a chance or not...YOU DO. But either way...again...YOU will be OK. ALL waywards behave precisely as your WW.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks Mr.W I like the 100% it really helps on days like these.

LMAO!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

Thanks All for the encouragement.

I hope tomorrow is a better day than the past two for me.

Not all days will be down days. You need to pace yourself some.

hang in there buddy