Now that being said, she isn't sure whether she has anything left for me and I am not sure if I have anything left to give her or whether I want to subject myself to this kind of hurt again.

I don't feel as if she was completely broken or if she wanted to make right.

So my decision is to continue on my path and just see what it is she wants to do.

She had planned a cruise for them to go on and actually asked me about it. I told her I wasn't sure. She is still hung up on OM right now and the things he would say to her.I do not feel like being compared to OM and will not.

About me, I have still been going strong and have not gotten into a relationsip yet. I have been talking(which I know I probably shouldn't be doing)to a W but have not taken her out on an official date yet. I talked with a few more before this one and could feel my vunerability kick in and would back off because I actually didn't feel anything.

I just don't know if I can trust WW anymore. Any suggestions.

Tell your W exactly how you feel. Up front, point blank, with no anger or grief, simply straightforward about where you're at now with how you feel about her/a relationship with her.

Be honest with her...if you're not sure that you want to 'be there' for her anymore, tell her that, and gently tell her why.

Bluntly, if she wants to be return to being part of your life, then let her work for that opportunity. Let her know that SHE'S the one who's going to have to work at rebuilding things (if you're willing to give her that chance.).

Its up to you...but regardless of what you decide (to give her the chance or not, either way) take is SLOW.

pHB!!!

Just when I think I've officially "quit posting", someone in whom I've invested some time and care pops up again! Good to hear from you.

So, if I understand you correctly, WW and the OM have "called it quits" and she's once again looking to you as a safe harbor? All because you "have always been there for her".

Well, that's a good thing, if you still have any interest in her. I agree with Owl completely. Here's what I would do, if I were in your shoes...

Write down a list of what you expect of her, down to the last detail, and present it to her, person to person, without judgement, without attitude, without Love Busters.

Some of the things you might ask for would include, No Contact, first and foremost, and all that comes with that, including giving up her cell phone for a new replacement you have account information on, marriage counseling, preferably with the Harleys, a minimum 90 or 120 day committment to the marriage, pickup up the pieces and trying to make them fit, etc. The list is yours, make it what you need it to be, without selfish demands, etc.

Have a sit down, heart to heart discussion and tell her "where you are at". Speak from your heart. Tell her the pain has been overwhelming, but you have stood by your marriage and tried to become the man she would cherish in a perfect marriage. Tell her you will be able to forgive her if she can find it in her heart to take responsibility for her choices, and change her behaviors to be suited to rebuilding a marriage.

This is all your call, and only you can know where your boundaries should be set, but IMHO, sometimes they (WW's) have to be told their chances have been used up. If you are ready to take this step, and make it clear to her that you are not capable of receiving any more pain, any more lies, any more deception, then that's what I would recommend. It should not be delivered as an ultimatum, rather as boundaries you have set that you simply must adhere to in order to protect your well being.

Perhaps she's seen that you have come to the point where her leaving no longer will devestate you, and will sense your ability to move on without too much personal disruption. If that's the case, then this would be a good time to deliver your message to her.

pHB, you have been at this a long time. Only you know what's best for you. I am offering these suggestions, only as suggestions and not telling you what to do. Life is short, and to be tied up in a limbo because of the bad choices of a spouse is a horrible thing. At some point in time you must challenge her position. If she's planning on just using you until the OM becomes "available" again, and she'll continue to run to him if he cracks the door a bit, you will be in a living ******, not that you haven't been for several months. Sometimes one has to decide whether to fish or cut bait. I get the feeling you should put your WW in the position to make that choice.

Wishing you nothing but the very best...
SD

pHB,

This is the break you have been waiting for and that we told you would eventually come. If there is even a sliver of you that wants to save your M, you need to take advantage of this opportunity. I wouldn't even push for a complete commitment to the M, but rather a commitment to your marital boundaries. You don't want her to feel to much pressure right away, so tell her if she commits to your boundaries, you are confident that the love will come back. She should have to move back in with you, and I would watch her like a hawk. If she breaks NC immediately go to plan B. If you do choose to try and work it out, realize that you need to be VERY patient and your needs will not be met for a VERY long time. However, my WW is slowly starting to defog, and I am thinking of putting a lowercase f in front of WW. It will take every bit of 6 months before she will start to fall back in love with you. No R/M talk, just having fun and courting her like you did when you first met. Keep her busy because withdrawal will be tough. I'm very optimistic about your chances if this is the path you choose.

pHB - your "feelings" are understandable. Your faith in God is paramount, though, don't you think?

What value do you place on your marriage vows before God?

What opportunity do you have to witness to your wife about her relationship with God as you submit your life to God?

Do you want to keep your marriage intact and BUILD something better than either of you ever had before?

Got it. You want her to come begging back to you. Just a tad unrealistic for the beginning of recovery when the "agreement" that most of us "shoot for" is "I'll try."

So my decision is to continue on my path and just see what it is she wants to do.

And just what path is that? Path Divorce? pHB, we all (those of us who have been the BS) understand your emotional feelings on this. So here's the question you need to answer....do you want a marriage to your wife with God as the center?

She had planned a cruise for them to go on and actually asked me about it. I told her I wasn't sure. She is still hung up on OM right now and the things he would say to her.I do not feel like being compared to OM and will not.

Is that anything like "withdrawal?" MOST, if not all, WS's go through withdrawal, it's part of the process. To cruise or not to cruise? I'd say that depends at least upon a willingness to TRY to recover the marriage. If that is the case, perhaps building some memories may be a helpful way to look at it.

About me, I have still been going strong and have not gotten into a relationsip yet. I have been talking(which I know I probably shouldn't be doing)to a W but have not taken her out on an official date yet. I talked with a few more before this one and could feel my vunerability kick in and would back off because I actually didn't feel anything.

You are married, pHB. We've been over this ground before.

I just don't know if I can trust WW anymore. Any suggestions.

Tell her if she is interested in working things out with you she needs to change her number, delete all his contact info, and block all access to OM as a gesture of good faith towards you.

She doesn't want to be witnessed to right yet but I did tell her to get back in church. My accountability partner told me the same things yesterday. He even reminded me that I said that I didn't believe in divorce. I just have alot to think about.

Begging would be nice but I don't expect that from her. She has alot of pride to deal with. It would be out of her character to do that because she has never had to do it.

Yes but she has to be submissive.

So here's the question you need to answer....do you want a marriage to your wife with God as the center?

Will I do it, I don't know yet.

are you saying I should go with her just to spend time and see what it is she is like now and willing to do. Not sure whether I should do this or not. I did tell her I would think about it but I don't know if this is such a good idea or not this soon. Let me know what you are saying here.

I just don't want to hurt or live in fear. I only am trying to protect myself. I trust God but I don't trust WW because she is not under his wing. As the song goes She has one wing in the fire.

Now after all that I still don't know where I want to go. I don't want to go thru the hurt again but I know she is still my W. I am taking this as slow as possible. Am I missing something I should be doing to try to draw something from her. I want to move slow but I really need to know whether she is wanting to work on our marriage or not. heck I don't know.

I want to move slow but I really need to know whether she is wanting to work on our marriage or not. heck I don't know.

I agree if WW had done this 2 months ago I would have been at work trying to reconcile. BUt now I am not sure