I will give a little background on our relationship. We have been together since college bf/gf for 3 ½ years known each other for 4. Lived together for 2 years and he proposed to me last Christmas. I have read all that’s been noted about living together b4 marriage and I do completely agree, it was a bad idea from the start but we can’t go back now. I had my cold feet since I have been planning this wedding and our relationship is far from perfect. Since he has proposed we bought a house together and have a joint account (as well as separate accounts), so breaking up will probably be considerably messy, no kids. We don’t argue or fight and we generally get along, when we talk which is not extremely often, he is very closed off with me and sometimes will note “you don’t know anything about that or “I already know what you will say” for his reasons for not talking to me.

He comes to me on 12/16 to say he is not sure if he wants to get married he knows it is unfair to me but he is not looking forward to the wedding planning or wedding so he feels that means he should not do it. Although he doesn’t want to marry me he doesn’t want to break up either. He is not sure why he is not looking forward to it but he doesn’t really care enough to figure it out. When I try to figure it out with him he seems more confused. I decide to take a questionnaire on my emotional needs and also love busters and I ask him to complete one also, he agrees. A week goes by and whenever I ask him about the questionnaire he hasn’t gotten around to it but he will. Christmas comes and we both decided not to get each other anything, I do spend about 4 hours cooking all the things he likes and he does absolutely nothing for me, he even refuses to give me a massage since I have been working out and my muscles are sore. He just spends the whole day on message boards or watching TV. He does agree to watch a movie with me but no serious contact besides that. I confront him to talk and he says he still hasn’t figured it out yet and he needs more time, I say he has been putting it off and he has had plenty of time. At this point I really feel like he doesn’t want to try and I feel like we need time apart. Our relationship is far from perfect but with a little effort on both ends we could be very happy, the trouble I have is getting him to try. He has not told his mother he is thinking of calling the wedding off, but he made it clear to me to stop making anymore plans. He notes he needs more space and he doesn’t have a chance to appreciate me since I am always around him. The sad thing is when we moved in together I was moving out of state so I have no family here, I am very close to buying a one way ticket back home for a while to figure out of all of this is worth it. I can spend all the time in the world trying to figure out how we can make things work but he won’t even give me the time of day right now. Just to talk to him about anything I have to corner him, and generally he doesn’t even look me in the eye.

Without getting into more detail should I stay or go?

Welcome - this is a good place to be under the circumstances.

I give him credit for telling you that he doesn't want to get married. So be sure to thank him for that. Then see if you can come up with an agreement on splitting the finances.

There is obviously another woman somewhere in the mix. But I wouldn't waste too much time trying to find her. The two of you aren't even married yet, and he is doing this. Be glad you aren't 10 years into it with a bunch of kids.

I am pretty sure there is not another female in the mix. If anything it’s his work. He is starting a business and also works a 9-5 job. He did mention he doesn’t have time for me, and sometimes I feel like he doesn’t want to be in a relationship period and it’s not about another women. I guess it is possible that there is another female, since he has hinted to the fact that I could possibly cheat on him when he admits to not trying enough with us. I feel he is afraid of commitment if anything, he doesn’t have a good relationship to look up to and his parents are divorced. Mine have been married for nearly 30 years.

Q -

Agree with Believer, there is an OW somewhere waiting in the wings. I also agree that you would be wasting your time trying to figure out who it is.



This is guilt because of what he is doing.

Unfortunately, this relationship has no future. Most of us BS here will agree that marrying anyone who has been unfaithful during a supposidly committed relationship pending a planned marriage, would be a major mistake.

Work out the finances, move on and find someone who is willing to put as much effort into a relationship as you are.

Who

I honestly don’t feel he is cheating on me, I think the main reason he doesn’t look at me is because he knows I am hurt and he doesn’t want to deal with hurting me. If I did suspect him of cheating I would easily call this off, but that’s not the case here.

I would install a keylogger on the computer. Just do some checking.

Qetesh, I am sure sorry this has happened to you, but at least he had the decency to tell you before this went any further. I applaud him for that. Better to find out now, before you are married, than when you are married and have 3 little kids. It would have been tragic if he had gone ahead and married you feeling the way he does. As hard as it will be, this gives you a chance to move onto something better.

I have already done some checking up on him, .. (emails phone records messageboards private messages)
and he is not, he comes home everynight on time and I also know where is all the time. I also used to work with him so I know who he works with and keep tabs.
I have been cheated on in the past and unless he is doing some serious covering up he is not. I actually felt bad about checking his phone records and emails later but nothing came up. this was done about 1 month ago.
I am about 95% sure he is not since no1 can be 100% on anything involving someone else.

Yes..

Do some checking..without letting him know..

Any unaccounted for time? Can you reach him at all times if you need to? Is his cellphone always turned on? Does he come home late? How's your sex life? Have you visited him at his work? Do you know his colleagues?

Many of us here thought that our WSes were not cheating...

He is a young man, Q..

I'm sorry to have to say this to you... but there is a low likelihood that a woman is not involved to some extent...

Let us know the outcome of your investigations.

Prove us to BE WRONG. We would love to be WRONG about this...

he hasnt made up his mind so to speak yet, but his doubt and him not comming to a conclusion makes me wonder if he is seriously not ready to do this. he says he is not ready to get married yet he wants to be with me, i refuse to be with him if we do not marry so i guess we need to split.

i can reach him at all times, although i am not the type to call every 5 minutes i have tested him enough to know he is always available. i used to work with him so thats negitive. our sex life could be better. i want it alot more than he does, because he works ALOT (from home) in general he is too tired to have sex with me. even with that said after checking everything (emails phone records) i have still come to the conclusion that he is not cheating on me, not to mention he has told me he isnt, and he wasnt lying.

Are you working outside of the home?

yes i am actually at work now. I work 45 hours a week. (salary)

he works about 60 or so, (salary) but I call him from work occationally and he emails and calls me also.

he has actually checked up on me for cheating because of my sex drive and the fact that he doesnt meet a few of my needs. but i have not cheated on him and i have cut off all contact with other men since he proposed.

Maybe he doesn't like the idea of a big wedding and the wedding hoopla...

You said:



What if you told him that you would settle for something quiet and more private?

This sort of reminds me of my husband. I realized that I have been too pushy about BIG CELEBRATIONS and he has gone along with this over the years but he really prefers the quiet and solitude. My OS is like that too...

Just a thought...

Okay, so we have an engaged man who is too tired for sex, and can't appreciate you because you are always around. He wants you to stop planning the wedding, and has not told his mom.

Taking the EN questionaire is not on his list of priorities.

Does that about sum it up?

This is true, but he has anxiety associated with getting married, it’s not just the planning and all that is scaring him, it’s the commitment. He is afraid of losing his independence, he is also afraid that it won’t last or he will be a bad husband and ill cheat, or we will be unhappy/ divorce. With all of this said the fact that he wont give me the effort needed to figure things out and fix them makes me wonder how strong his commitment to me really is?

Yes. It is WEIRD for a young man to be too tired for sex. This is when their sex drive is typically the highest...despite what else is going on in their lives?

Are you leaving out any major changes or events that have occurred in your lives?

If not an affair, is there some reason for him to be DEPRESSED. Do you think he is CLINICALLY DEPRESSED?

this about summs it up, he is avoiding the questionaire. we do have sex just not as often as I would like, and me coming on to him usually turns him off more.

he also doesnt want us to break up if he had it his way we would stay a couple living in a house together. yet he feels he needs more space.

What would this be like according to his plan?

Did you put pressure on him to get him to propose?