I have discussed his reasons for not wanting to do it; he states it is all the same for him and sex is boring. Yet he really doesn’t want to try to spice things up, I think he is anemic and has very low energy he is also an artist so his work takes up a lot of his energy. He works about 16-20 hours a day if not more. I find it odd also I have only gained about 5 lbs since we got together and frankly I was too skinny b4. (99 lbs) now I am about 105, I am attractive and I keep myself up. He states we have done it too much in the beginning and now he is burned out from sex. We do it maybe 1nce a week or once every 2 weeks. I would like it 3-4 times a week. he may be slightly deperessed and i am not sure why.

Well since I moved up here and I knew no1 I had no life outside of him, now I am slowly beginning to have one and I am going to do a lot more volunteer work next year so things will only get better in that aspect. He states he wants more time alone. Since he works so much he gets no time to himself, and weeknights do not count he feels he needs time to himself on the weekends, which I admittingly do not give him a lot of though things are much better than when we first moved in together.

I would like to say no, but honestly I did. We had been living together for over a year and we were not going anywhere, I didn’t say I was going to dump him, but he knew if he didn’t propose soon I would move out and “see” other people. When he did buy the ring I repeatedly asked him if he was sure and he said yes, now he tells me he wanted to try and make things work but he wasn’t sure then, he only didn’t want me to go and thought things would get better which in my opinion they have but I am not sure how he feels.

Okay, well you need to move out and start dating other people.

Start letting folks know that the engagement is cancelled. Work on an agreement with him to split things up. Don't continue living with each other, and don't live with anyone in the future. It is always a bad idea.

Qetesh-
I hope you will continue to post here for awhile. These next couple of weeks will be hard for you, and we all understand that!

But there are a whole lot of red flags here. I am 100% convinced that there is someone or something else involved here.

When my Ex was cheating on me - I had NO IDEA. I would have bet anything that he had never cheated. We were together every morning and evening. Whenver I called, he answered the phone right away. There was no unexplained time.

I now realize that when I called him, he answered the phone, even if she was with him! If he was on the phone with her, he would also take my call, so I would not suspect. I think he took a few sick days without telling me about them.

Everyone who knows him was shocked. The people he works with day in and day out never suspected - and yet he was talking to her on his cell phone at work.

The reason that I am convinced that something is up is because:
1. he won't look you in the eye. I am sure you are right - he feels guilty about hurting you. But there is more to it than that. he feels guilty. If he was convinced that he was doing the right thing - and postponing the wedding is perfectly ok if he has doubts - he would feel bad, but not guilty. this is CLASSIC behaviour when someone is cheating.

2. The lack of interest in sex. You know that he is giving you a load of crap with all that "we did it to much in the beginning and now I am just tired of it". That is not the way we are desinged. Either he is having his needs met some where else, or .......is it possible he is Gay? I don't want to open a can of worms here - but something is not right. If you had a lot more sex before, and now it is sometimes only once every two weeks - soemthing is up.
You do not wnat to get into a M where your new H is all ready "tired of sex" you have a lot of years ahead of you - and there are a LOT of men out there who would love to be in a passionate M with you.

3. He needs more space? More time to himself? You two don't spend enough time together as it is! He is working 12-16 hours, and then he wants to also spend your precious weekend time away from you as well??? Something is NOT right! He should have a desire to spend time with you. What on earth is he going to do on the weekends when he is having some time to himself? I don't think he is going to sit in his car and read a book. he wants time away from you to explore another relationship. He is unsure of the other relationship - and that is why he does not want to compeltely break it off with you.

Just my own 2 cents worth here - but I would love to see you tell him that you are not sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind - he does NOT get to choose your life for you. That you want to be loved, cherished, and have a passionate, intimate relationship with a man who WANTS to spend time with you. And if he is not that man, then he needs to find some place else to stay.

God bless you.
I know this is hard.

I understand how it looks and I guess it is not possible that he is in love with his work and success more than me? That may be what he is having an affair with so to speak. He is not gay and we do have sex, but something is not right and I guess I can’t rule out another woman. He did fill out the questionnaire, last night at about 10pm I asked him if he had (he promised me he would yesterday), he was watching TV with me and he said he hadn’t yet so I just got up and went to our room and closed the door, he slept on the couch and when I went home for lunch today I noticed he had filled It out, the funny thing is when I looked over it he was happy in nearly every area, so something is up for him to want me to stop the wedding planning. I have asked him if there is someone else and he seems to be telling me the truth when he says no, I am generally confused, is it possible he is depressed and having cold feet? The sex thing annoys me but its not my main reason for loving him so although I would like it more often, I am not completely upset with the fact that he only wants to rarely (1ce a month as he noted on his questionnaire) and I was convinced we would be able to work this out.

I guess I am scared something is up, the fact that he put it off could mean he is hiding something or maybe I want him on my timetable which is unfair.

Absolutely not!!!

Any "problems" that exist before marriage, do not go away after marriage. They get worse. And then a few new problems pop up as well. It is just human nature. M is a lot of hard work. You need to go into it with the fewest up front problems as possible.

My guess would be this - he is involved in some type of on-line affair. perhaps it is still an EA at this point. You said that he spends a lot of time on the computer. That is a big red flag. You checked his email about a month ago - how about a secret email account that you don't know about?

I am not sure how to further investigate - I know some people put key loggers on their keyboards to log all of his activity. That is the only way I can think of that you would be able to figure out what he is doing.

I would watch out for a couple of things here - first, that he is having an EA and that he wants some "time to him self" because this woman is going to finally meet him face to face. Perhaps she is planning to come to your town - or watch for him to suddenly take a trip.

I think it would be a very good idea for you to find out as much as possible now, while you still live together, just so you know the truth. it is common for a WS to deny an A is going on, until they move out into a seperate aparment and then suddenly the OW comes out of the dark, and the WS claims that "we just started seeing each other, after I moved out, and it is not an A becuase you and I don't live together right now". This sort of things leaves you with many doubts later on.

I just want you to have all the facts up front.

By the way - NONE of this means that there is anything wrong with you. it does not mean you were not good enough, or worthy of his love enough. he has something wrong with him, that he is (perhaps) willing to let a good woman, a vibrant, passionate, bright woman get away. You have every right to expect your future H to cherish you - to have the desire to spend time with you - to want to spend time with you. To protect you from harm. You need to requre these things for yourself. Stand up for yourself.

This is the KEY statement right here. I don't think that he is cheating on you, I just think he is so consumed with his job that he isn't spending enough time with you to REALLY connect with you anymore, and he is afraid to make the commitment of marriage now that he doesn't feel as strongly about you. So if he is having an affair, it is with his job.

I know when I was working 60 hours a week at my first job, I was burnt out on life, and I didn't want to do much of anything when I got home, just relax with time to myself. He is likely feeling the same way. However, this is not how you would like a relationship to continue, so I would send him a message if I were you. This is what I would say:

BF, I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but not like this. We have major problems in our relationship that need to be addressed. I am not going to sit around and wait for things to just work themselves out. I'm not going to just cohabitate with you and pretend like we have a real relationship. I deserve a real relationship. If you are not willing to work on this relatinoship with me, then we need to split up our finances, move out, and go our separate ways. I need a commitment one way or the other. I hope that the commitment is to work on our relationship, but I am prepared to move on without you. These are the things that I need from you to show me you are committed to the relationship: counseling, EN and LB questionnaires, 15 hours/wk time together, etc.

Most men are reluctant to enter into counseling or due "relationship work" and would rather just ignore the problem, but when faced with losing the person they loved, will make the necessary changes to save their relationship.

I would just stand up and say this is what I need and are you willing to give it to me. If he is, then you just got what you wanted. If he isn't, then you know what to do.

Exactly how long has the sex be infrequent?

Yesterday I asked him if he was willing to try to make things work and he seriously thought about it and said he doesn’t know. This to me is him saying our relationship is not worth his effort and enough to get me started moving on. My mother thinks we need time apart so I am going to buy tickets to come home for a while and I am going to try and find a job out of state while I am gone, this way I can move away from him. And to the previous poster you are right I am worth it, and its not that I don’t feel like I could have another man, its jus the work involved in finding one that stresses me, when we honestly are very compatible the only reason why we stopped being compatible is he stopped trying, and I cant force someone to try for us.

its been about 9 months that its gotten bad enough where I have been frustrated enough to let him know. he generally doesnt even sleep in the same bed as me anymore he watches TV and sleeps on the couch.

What happened 9 months ago? Think for awhile about what has changed.

When did you leave the place he works at?

I think it initially started when I lost my job where he works, I was briefly out of work (about 2 moths) and then I took the job I have now. During that time I did in some ways form emotional relationships with men online. Nothing I ever wanted to act upon and he knew about it, so him knowing about it may have been why his sex drive went down. I have since cut off all contact with men online but I guess it beings out all the needs I have which are not being met, he knows of these needs I tell him many ways but I feel his efforts to try are very low, he also doesn’t ask much of me at all, and I do more for him than he “claims” he needs.

I had to edit my post because now that you have explained about your EA's it's a totally diffent issue.

Still thinking about this. So you were engaged, living with your fiance and having online EA's?

Maybe the online As caused him to have cold feet about the marriage..

He likely feels betrayed...

I was, I wanted affection and admiration from him, and I knew it was too dangerous to allow it from men in real life, so I sent photos to men online and got my attention that way. He hated it and we had arguments over it and eventually I gave up posting on that message board and talking to the men. He suspected I had actually met someone, and he posed as another guy to try and get me to admit to it, I never actually met anyone, and I never intended to leave him or anything like that, I guess they were just giving me something that he was not. So in that aspect I was not perfect I admit it, but I still love him and want things to work. I am not sure he even trusts me online anymore because if I am chatting with my sister he assumes it’s another guy. We are still living together and engaged since he hasn’t asked for the ring back (I am keeping it anyway) and we haven’t really told anyone it’s off.

Hmmmm....I am thinking that maybe he has withdrawn from you because of the EA's? Have you ever gotten into the root causes of your EA's with him? You know why you did what you did but have you ever sat down with him and said this is exactly why you did what you did? Have you ever sincerely apologized to him and explained how you plan for it to never happen again or did the two of you sweep it under the rug? It might be that he is thinking that since it was never a PA affair that he should be able to easily get over it but maybe subconciously he is still feeling angry and hurt over it and it is his hurt and betrayal are being displayed by a low sex drive and emotional withdrawal on his part? Maybe he feels like you are the one in the wrong so he doesn't want to hear anything from you about your EN's? Before you had the EA's did you ever express to him that your EN's were not being meet? I am curious and I think you need to elaborate on where your relationship was at pre-EA.

I think this is the answer for why he broke off the engagement, Q.

Have you made your amends to him for this?

Have you asked him what you can do to win back his trust?

Have you ever said this to him as explicitly as you have said it to us?

I was, I wanted affection and admiration from him, and I knew it was too dangerous to allow it from men in real life, so I sent photos to men online and got my attention that way. He hated it and we had arguments over it and eventually I gave up posting on that message board and talking to the men. He suspected I had actually met someone, and he posed as another guy to try and get me to admit to it, I never actually met anyone, and I never intended to leave him or anything like that, I guess they were just giving me something that he was not. So in that aspect I was not perfect I admit it, but I still love him and want things to work. I am not sure he even trusts me online anymore because if I am chatting with my sister he assumes it’s another guy. We are still living together and engaged since he hasn’t asked for the ring back (I am keeping it anyway) and we haven’t really told anyone it’s off. [/quote]